[Immunity]

For the past few weeks, I've been pretty dead inside. Can't really feel things. I naturally struggle with feeling things, a lot. Basically I experience a lot of fatigue/apathy and indifference.

But there are times when I just get sad. Sad about myself. My life. The people who were once part of my life and are no longer present.

I can't have functional relationships. I don't know what relationships are even about. All I know is that I feel alone sometimes. Life seems futile. And I feel very alone, unable to connect to anyone. When someone tries to get closer to me, I turn cold. And yet when they leave, I feel a void.

I don't know how to deal with this. I am really losing hope.

Life seems so messy and unfair. I don't want to be part of it. It hurts too much when I let myself feel things.

Everything hurts if I start thinking about it. So I don't. I just numb myself out. But these feelings are in me. They don't just go away; they eat at me from the inside.

I don't love myself. And I can't love other people. I can't feel other people's love. Love is simply not part of my life, and that saddens me, when I care to think about it.

What's the point? If I can never share that feeling of joy and happiness with someone. If I am unable to be in the presence of others, and unable to be by myself. What should I do to help myself? I've been stuck in this situation for so long. I cannot take this anymore. I don't want to continue to live my life this way, being so disconnected from everything and everyone.

And yet, I am terrified at the idea of letting someone in. I cannot handle dependency, but I cannot take separation or endings, either. It hurts too much. So I just detach myself and stay alone. After a while it feels familiar. Safe, albeit empty.

Life is a mystery. A scary thing.

I am afraid of living this life. I am afraid of feeling things. I am afraid of having desires and needs. I am afraid of everything. And it's becoming unbearable.

Thank you for reading.

[penngroverose]

I know exactly how you feel. Haven't been on one date in 7 years after the breakup of a live in relationship that I thought was going to be the love of the rest of my "older life".
e ended up having "borderline personality disorder"
Then I experienced a series of 5 other traumas that I won't list here but believe me you would find it amazing.
I don't want to be around people, never see any of the few friends I did have for years. Never go out or anywhere I used to go and have a hard time feeling anything but sad or anxious.
I feel OK if I stay very quiet and alone but that is just making me worse. I get feeling hopeless too am also very discouraged by the state of the world.
I realize tho that the ONLY way to break out of some of this is to force myself to get out.
I think I am going to force myself to go to the city to a museums just for starts but first I have to get thru an appraisal on my land which a critical loan depends on. Then I will try to go. You can't imagine how worried I am about it.
Why don't you think of one thing you could do that you might be able to enjoy.
Share here what that might be and then commit to doing it and report back.

I hope you feel a bit better tomorrow, it is after all "another day"

I think this is an excellent description of how depression affects people, Immunity. It's why many of us take med's & see pdoc's & therapists. I hope you have available to you whichever of these you may need. Writing about your feelings helps too. And that's where PC comes in. So keep posting! The more you post, & reply to others' posts, the more you'll get out of the time you spend here. Best wishes...