[softer_]

Hi, first post. I need to vent or something. Not in a good spot. And I’m usually not one to whine and complain. Ugh.

Today was a bad day. The past few days have been close, too. I can’t remember how many. I go to work, I do what I have to do. I try to mask it. I spent like 8 hours straight working on a song last night (I’m an electronic music producer) - felt like I was going nuts but couldn’t seem to stop for the night to relax. Every time I tried to chill and watch TV, I’d pause the show after a couple minutes. I don’t get it. Overboard, but with good results.

Today I felt the depression get ready to take hold about an hour or 2 after waking. Maybe earlier, I don’t know. Very negative thoughts just flood and take over. Focused on all the sh***y things I’d been through this year, being mistreated by people and in relationships, my stand-still life, big dreams I hadn't been able to accomplish and now just don’t care about. Argued a bunch over text with the girlfriend. Felt bad about that - its me being stupid, harping on ****. Felt hollow and hopeless, more and more. Read about my AD, it still isn’t working on week 6. Maybe it needs more time. I don’t want another type to try because they make me feel unlike myself and I can’t function in the sack! That brings on a whole other level of unhappiness and disappointment, as if there’s room for it in my brain and life. Kept thinking about swallowing all my ADs - I know I wouldn’t do that though. I’m not thinking clearly, but at least I’m aware of that much. It’s just a fantasy.

My mother was worried when I got in from work. Said she could see how bad I was today. Later I saw my girlfriend, I explained it wasn’t anything personal and she cried for me. I’m a nuisance to everyone and it’s embarrassing. Everyone who knows me well enough, that is. I used to be a rock. Da fuq happened?? I even started to shed a tear and my voice got all shaky when I told my mom not to worry. I haven’t shed a tear in 7 years, when one of my best buds died. Didn't cry though. Had to take a benzo before leaving the house because I felt all messed up. Sometimes a tiny bowl helps reset my mind for a bit. It’s probably counteractive, or maybe not. I feel the same when I’m sober. I read all the internet crap about weed I dunno. Kinda seems to help chill me out and reset. Treated me well over the years. I only smoke a tiny amount at a time, no big joints or anything.

Before the ADs - when I got the balls to go see a doc - I just blazed constantly to try and take my busy, negative, anxious and irritated mind off whatever was infesting my head that moment. I just read something about depression being glamorized in the media. How the f*** is this glamourous? I realize my thoughts are not really flowing well as I write this, but whatever. Just wanted to get it out where it exists somewhere other than my head. They say a lot of the best artists are crazy...I guess that’s a silver lining? Lol...

I want a formal diagnosis from a psych doc. That’s gotta happen soon...my GP recommended it, but I initially denied. Stupid me, always prolonging the inevitable.

Thanks for reading my novella.

If your AD isn't working after 6 weeks it probably doesn't need more time... either needs a higher dose or you need to try a different one. Sometimes GP's give doses that are too low to be effective I think (mine did before I saw a psych, who told me the dose I was taking was not going to help). What is the med/dosage?

Also the sexual side effects of SSRIs get better over time as your body gets used to it in my experience. I think other men here will back me up on that. It's not a good reason not to take meds if you do need them.

Hope you start feeling better man - exercise can help a lot if you don't do that already.

[happyfeet95]

talking about it helps. Its good that you're not shutting yourself up. Trust me, i learnt that the hard way. You're going to be okay. There are people who care for you and are ready to help.

[softer_]

Originally Posted by nowheretohide

If your AD isn't working after 6 weeks it probably doesn't need more time... either needs a higher dose or you need to try a different one. Sometimes GP's give doses that are too low to be effective I think (mine did before I saw a psych, who told me the dose I was taking was not going to help). What is the med/dosage?

Also the sexual side effects of SSRIs get better over time as your body gets used to it in my experience. I think other men here will back me up on that. It's not a good reason not to take meds if you do need them.

Hope you start feeling better man - exercise can help a lot if you don't do that already.

Thanks for the reply. I'm on a very low dose of Wellbutrin, and I just don't think I'm on enough of it. (150mg) I've read in a ton of places that this particular med usually takes around 8 weeks or so to level off. I dig the motivation this one gives me in terms of workflow and just tackling life, whereas the Celexa I used to take for a while did the opposite…was essentially numbing, which is no good for producing art. I'm gonna go back to the doc in a couple weeks and deal with this.

Definitely need to start working out again. That all came to a halt about 8 months ago. The Wellbutrin would probably really help me there too. Thanks again man, hope everything's good with you!

[softer_]

Originally Posted by happyfeet95

talking about it helps. Its good that you're not shutting yourself up. Trust me, i learnt that the hard way. You're going to be okay. There are people who care for you and are ready to help.

Thanks! Yeah I ignored this problem for most of my life. Just started getting a lot worse the past couple years.

[Fuzzybear]

Originally Posted by softer_

Thanks for the reply. I'm on a very low dose of Wellbutrin, and I just don't think I'm on enough of it. (150mg) I've read in a ton of places that this particular med usually takes around 8 weeks or so to level off. I dig the motivation this one gives me in terms of workflow and just tackling life, whereas the Celexa I used to take for a while did the opposite…was essentially numbing, which is no good for producing art. I'm gonna go back to the doc in a couple weeks and deal with this.

Definitely need to start working out again. That all came to a halt about 8 months ago. The Wellbutrin would probably really help me there too. Thanks again man, hope everything's good with you!

My bad on the poor advice for the 6 weeks thing... I've always heard 4-6 weeks for SSRI's but I guess that's for significant effects, not necessarily the full effects. I'm glad you are doing your own research and not listening to my sub-par advice.

It's been shown again and again that regular exercise just as effective as a standard low/starting dose of SSRI in treating depression so getting back to working out might really help if you can motivate yourself to get started - would seemingly be as effective as doubling your dosage of wellbutrin (only it will kick in faster!). You can find info about it online, but I'm pretty sure you just need to work out like 3 times a week for a half hour to get those benefits.

Anyways, take care man!