[Idiot17]

I'm so confused, i just want to end it.
Finite.
So today i told another person what i truly am, what i believe in, why I'm immersed in negativity, no such thing as happiness.....

The impression i give off is one of contentment and now i broke off AGAIN and admitted AGAIN to a different person what i really am. Such a loser.
I'm losing my grip. Losing my mask. Losing my shield. Losing the fake profile i erected. Why can't i just lose life. Living. Breathing.

What's happening to me that suddenly I'm spilling my guts? To me it sounds like I'm starting to tell anyone willing to listen. A wimp. How can i get my grip back place, my shield readjusted to my inner self. I can't, so i might as well lay down never to rise again. Another day. Another rant. Sorry. (another inadequate word).

[ToeJam]

Don’t feel ashamed for sharing. It is not weak to reach out… you are human, you will need support in your life… No person (no matter how hard they try… been there done that) is an island, a rock… there will be times that we just can’t do it alone.

Depression is a horrendous burden to carry.

The quote from an old sci-fi show sprang to mind when I read this… so nerdy of me, but hell… if it fits, it fits:

“Tracey: When you can't run, you crawl, and when you can't crawl - when you can't do that...
Zoë: You find someone to carry you.” - Firefly

This doesn't make you a loser or a wimp at all. I think this is you trying to reach out for help because you know that's what you need right now. It's not healthy to keep everything hidden, and keeping up appearances is such hard work. It's ok to let the mask slip and reach out to someone.

[Idiot17]

TJ, Secret,

This conversation i had was not about reaching out for help, it was a philosophical conversation about core ethics and beliefs therefore all my truths came out. So it was not about trying to get support. I know how important support is, probably more so since i don't have it.
Now i'm just hoping that person leaves my life and i don't have to see them again.

And btw TJ that quote you shared was not nerdy at all.

I'm just so stuck. I don't see how i can continue. Why to continue. I'm at the end of the cliff. I can't wait another 14 yrs to perhaps get support and help i need. What is the point in continuing??

[ToeJam]

Originally Posted by Idiot17

TJ, Secret,
I'm just so stuck. I don't see how i can continue. Why to continue. I'm at the end of the cliff. I can't wait another 14 yrs to perhaps get support and help i need. What is the point in continuing??

Don't think I'm being paranoid or sensitive... but pretty sure you lifted the 14 year bit from my thread. Please, please don't see that as a fact for you... + it was context, I said that those 14 years were self inflicted... I refused to get help... please don't do that... take it from someone who was dumb enough to.

You say that you don't have support right now... the person that will get that ball rolling is you, please reach for it.

[Idiot17]

TJ,
One needs strength to reach out for the help needed. Not all have the strength within them. I'm one of those people.
When i was in school, my school intervened but there is only so much they can enforce. Even when i did what i did nothing was enforced upon me to continue getting help.
For some reason i'm to stubborn for my own good. I rather just give up and die then try to perhaps seek hard finding help. Whats the purpose in looking for something nearly impossible to find while in such a dark place.

[ToeJam]

I think (purely my opinion, take what you will from it) that you are not giving yourself credit that from where I sit… I am seeing – strength. People are complicated, we are multifaceted… so yes, I accept that there may be stubbornness there too, an almost perverse wish for it to get worse.

This might be my words about me and you don’t relate at all… but reading the above, I think I can relate… certainly experienced what I’ve described.

You say “I rather just give up and die then try to perhaps seek hard finding help.” But please recognise that this is you asking for help, you are reaching out… you are sharing your pain with us and we’re listening.

Please allow yourself some kindness and just reach out for professional help if you are feeling this bad.

[Idiot17]

TJ,
After a year or more here, yes i'm able to rant and complain here yet this isn't irl. Thst's why i brought myself to the point of being able to vent here.
Irl i have many people that rely on me to give them strength for what they're struggling with. I can't see myself being the recipeint of that. If (and thats a big if) i would ever reach out to anyone irl it would only be to a professional. But to get there.....i just don't have it within me. That's why i so congratulate anyone that is seeking the help needed.

A perverse wish for it to get worse.....i can definitely relate to that.

[ToeJam]

I don't want to be one of those unwelcome guests that never shuts up or goes away... so I'll impart one last thing... if you want to chat, then please, my pm is always open... but yeah I respect how you feel and I do get how hard it can be.

The bit I wanted to interject with though was with regards to this:

"Irl i have many people that rely on me to give them strength for what they're struggling with. I can't see myself being the recipeint of that."

This is going to sound cliché, but I know from my own experience that when at my worse, there is no way in hell that I have the strength or presence of mind to be the strength that others rely on. So, perhaps if it's not for you... then consider it for them?

Wouldn't say that's the ideal reason to get help... but it's certainly better than not doing so at all.

I really wish the best for you chap and I really hope that things get better.



I'll shut up now.

[Fuzzybear]

(((((((( Idiot17 ))))))))