[IchbinkeinTeufel]

<rant>I feel depressed right now. :\ I could do with some company, ... I haven't hung out with anyone in a long time, (I mean locally) unless you count my parents and the guy living here. ¬_¬ I've not gone out in ages, either. It takes a LOT of effort to workout and practice on the guitar; I dunno how the heck I manage it. I've not studied/practiced German in a while, though, which I suppose I could put down to being busy with the guitar. (many hours daily practice, most of the time)

I've been feeling like this for a long time. Sometimes it's just more noticeable. I'm so sick of being alone. I'm so pissed off that I seclude myself and struggle to connect. Got an old (and questionable) friend that could lead to other old friends, and I STILL haven't met him since years ago, and IDK if I ever will, because that means connecting to someone real, or rather... trusting. Didn't go so well, last time.

I'm also sick of seeing fortunate people getting so much. I shouldn't be jealous, ... I know it's petty, but all you people with amazing, rich lives can swivel on it; most of those people probably have no idea how lucky they are. I need to get out of this place. I'm STILL waiting on a certain company to find me a place, ... beginning to lose hope and willpower. I'm starting to think I'm forever going to be stuck here. My best mate just got himself permanent housing, ... nice single-bedroom place. Lucky sod. He's being living alone for quite a while, ... here I am still stuck here. Things seem to go so smoothly for him, with regards to housing. Not me, ... ton of MH crap and I'm still stuck here. I'm pretty disgusted in myself for saying/thinking this, but I'm just getting to me. I usually try to shrug it off. I love my dad, and my step-mother has her moments, but I feel trapped, ... like I'm not moving on with my life. I'm 27 FFS. My MH ******** has held me back for a LONG time.

Got 2 loving parents? Mother not a crazy *****? Had a good education, and something to show for all those years at school? Got a nice job and a social life? In a loving relationship? Got a family? Able to have a family? Brain working properly? Pisses me off. Don't get me wrong, I'm GLAD there are lucky people out there, I'm just all bitter, right now, at the cards I've been dealt.

I'll get on with it, as usual, ... **** all else I can do. Have some nice things, myself, so I just cling onto them as though they were oxygen.

I'm sure it doesn't help that the guy living here has taken a fancy to this woman I had a thing for, a while back, ... it's stupid really, and I don't really understand why it bothers me, not that I'd tell anyone here. It just does, ... not like she knew, and I could certainly not be any sort of a father to FIVE kids, let alone one. It just feels like I'm having my nose rubbed in it yet again, ... I will never have a normal life. It's always him, not me. How ****ing pathetic do I sound right now, seriously? I will wash my mouth (or brain) out with soap, later.

Sorry.</rant>

Maybe I should go back on anti-depressants. ¬_¬ I just, ... don't like them. Propranolol is just making me paranoid about my heart. (HR went really low and I got heart-palpitations, recently, .. ever since, I've avoided them) Unfortunately, anxiety isn't the only issue, ... it's just somewhat tempered, thanks to CBT, but that CBT was a while back, now, ... I'm worrying that it's fading and I'm regressing back into my old "OCD" ways.

[smmath]

Hugs buddy. I'm sorry you are going through this. You have a lot on your plate and you are strong enough to get through it. I wish there was something I could do to help, but sadly I don't know what to say.

But, you can always message me if you want to talk.

[IchbinkeinTeufel]

Originally Posted by smmath

Hugs buddy. I'm sorry you are going through this. You have a lot on your plate and you are strong enough to get through it. I wish there was something I could do to help, but sadly I don't know what to say.

But, you can always message me if you want to talk.

No problem. The message alone is appreciated.

[maddnessreturns]

I hope things start looking up for you soon. I know getting out is hard and it is sometimes just a chore to get out of bed (at least for me) but maybe you could plan an outing to something you enjoy? Also feel free to message me. I'm always looking for a friend.