[Bolivar83]

I don't have anyone else to talk to about this...My family is in a bad way right now. I live with my sister and her partner - they took me in when I was at my lowest, and had nowhere to go. They are a continuous source of support for me, and I do love them dearly.

But my sister in law in out on disability right now, my sister left her job [her boss was abusive; it's rough for women in the trades and the job sites can be tough environments]. I've been seeking work since I've been out of college for the summer. I've been seeking work, but I've had no luck. I've been on several interviews, and I've applied at any job, from fast food to office work, but nothing has panned out. I feel helpless, and worthless.

Everyone's getting depressed (my sister is also bipolar), and I am having trouble sleeping at night, I'm so stressed out and guilty. When August rolls around, I'll be back in school, and will have financial aid so I can start paying my rent and utilities again. But until then, I'm trying to find a job and trying to not bottom out in despair.

My sister in law is worried about finances, and I know it's worrisome especially since I can't contribute much besides housework and caring for the pets. I have gone on GR, and gotten food stamps to contribute something, but it's paltry. She is worried, and has been stressed out; she reminds me daily that I need to find a job. I keep a log of jobs applied for; and try to find 20 every day. I offered to leave so they could rent the room out, but they welcomed me to stay as long as I continue to look for work.

But we are all getting so on edge, and are taking things as slights: I used too much creamer, my sister didn't do the laundry, my sister in law didn't clean her dishes - all petty stuff, but it can erupt due to tensions.
We all talk about each other to air our grievances, and it's making a toxic atmosphere. My sister is in such a deep depression, that she doesn't even want to go to a job interview tomorrow, and everyone is threatening to leave.

I have a therapy appt next week [due to high demand for county services, I qualify for about 6-8 therapy sessions a year] so I have to hang on until then.

This is really, really stupid - I know. I feel helpless, worthless, like a total loser. I'm in my early 40's and I can't seem to pull myself out of this hole. I used to rent my own little house, have a great job - but I got really mentally sick, left the state, and just fell and fell. My family helped me come back, gave me a safe place to stay. I hate myself.

I’m afraid of the household falling apart. I don’t know what will happen to us, or our pets, if someone leaves. I’m scared. Part of me just wants to walk off into the night and disappear, but while there would be a lot of relief just to run away, eventually you “sober up”, and realize you’ve made things worse. Plus it would be wrong for me to cut out on them and leave them with debt and worry.

Thanks for allowing me to vent.

[TheOriginalMe]

Sounds like you're having to be the strong one in the household right now, your sister is too depressed and your sister in law is too stressed from being the wage earner. Keeping a log of the jobs you apply for is a good idea, you are trying your best and that is all you can do with that one.

Can you all come together and try and talk openly without starting WW3? It would be better to have an open discussion than the toxic sniping. Otherwise could you just say, "you know what, this conversation is getting us nowhere" and refuse to be drawn into the grumbling and griping?

It is not easy being the strong one and I frequently want to run away from my responsibilities, it would be so good to be free. Unfortunately, I like my warm bed and home comforts too much.

[HuxleysParadox]

You sound like you're in my world! I try to tell myself that things MUST get better. Sometimes it works, sometimes I cry myself to sleep.. if I do sleep..
You aren't a loser, I'm a professional who's job tanked after the economy I'm looking for a second job and get answers from "too educated, not the right education, and you're already employed we want to give the position to someone who really needs it" (because I guess I don't somehow??) It's a very distressing market out there, so don'tlet anyone tell you it's all on you that you can't find work.

[Bolivar83]

Thank you TheOriginalMe and HuxleysParadox for your replies - I appreciate the feedback.

Things have settled down a little, so we did have a productive talk about the situation. You are right, OrignalMe - the carping is a bad habit that needs to be curtailed; I need to think of the others and extend a little courtesy.

It's true - there are many people in the same boat right now, and at least I have a safe place to stay, enough to eat, and many other blessings. You are right, just need to get up everyday and try, again. Sending you good wishes, HuxleysParadox, for that 2nd job - it would be frustrating to be told some of those things (prefer to hire someone who needs 1st job, etc) b/c you wouldn't be looking if you didn't need it. Keep in there...

Thank you, again -your responses and forums really helpful.