Stressed... about to go into hospital

(((((TJ)))))....

I new to this group... Hello everyone. I have an extensive background with mental illness in my family. My sister & son bipolar schizo effective. I have been primary caretaker of both & suffer from depression.
TJ my heart goes out to you but what a brave thing to do, seeking help. There is no easy answer & coping is difficult. I agree with another member, you are kind, considerate & patient with others. You deserve the same.... it starts with you. Give yourself love.
Best wishes to you & take it one hour at a time don't overwhelm yourself.

tj, thank you for keeping us updated.

Sometimes we have to take 10 steps backwards in order to move forward. You are more aware now that you have had the experience of being back home, your limitations and STRENGTHS. I'm sorry it didn't go so well but enjoy what you can (taking it 15 minutes at a time) Remember caretakers sometimes feel helpless and they too end up in a very uncomfortable mental state of being depressed, overwhelmed etc.....
Once again you were able to put your feelings aside and were empathetic to your wife and her feelings. I think that is something to celebrate.

Hugs for you, TJ.

Big hugs TJ!

Ok...

Been a bit mind blown. Mentioned this in part before on here... But my T on what I've been telling her of my experiences in here and my sensory over sensitivity she suspected elements of aspergers (high functioning). She asked me to do a test and send the results back to her.

She said that if I got a score of over 34 that would give her cause to get me put forward for screening... I hit 39. Sat there at the computer and felt my world crash around me a bit. Obviously it's just a test and I would need to be put forward for official diagnosis... But yeah, panicked.

Sent my t a follow on 'omg' email and text asking her to call me.

She was saying last night that patterns were falling into place, but that till recently she had missed it as we were always chatting in a neutral calm setting one to one. That with high function it is very easy to miss but would explain a lot with regards to me struggling so hard to function in a lot of situations that has led to depression and anxiety.

Spoke to my wife and she has done her best to reassure me and to put into context that it's something to explore and that regardless of diagnosis or not, it will be a good exercise to rule in/out root causes.

Exactly. Refine the picture.

The "autism spectrum" is wide. I suppose "elements of X" could easily be overlooked, but if you know that X is (or isn't) part of the picture, then you can take that account in treatment.

Still... Oh, bother...

Hi TJ, if we're talking Aspergers it doesn't have to be "bad" , there can be plenty of (sometimes really simple) "day-today" adjustments you or others around you can (if needed) make in reducing sources of anxiety and in minimising anxiety levels. And some of it can even come down to basic manners of communication.
And if you were diagnosed with Aspergers that doesn't make you "less of a person" in any way. You're still you, with all the good qualities we know you have.
You know.......compassion, understanding, insight.................remember??

Alison

I don't really get it. Asperger is not really a disease ...I see it more like a personal trait. I believe I've got "traces" of it as my cousin has it and I feel I think similar to him and got high score on an asperger test here on pc. Although I don't think I have it (cause of some reasons) but I don't mind really. What difference does it make? They won't give me other type of meds and you have to understand every persons fears and desires anyway... And...actually...that cousin of mine is kinda like an idol to me...or at least his mother was.

It's ok to be scared though tj... I just don't see why. (((tj))) But I would not at all be surprised if you would get the diagnose. Basically cause I feel I can relate to how you think and well...apparently I think like aspergers..

Regardless of what you get tj...you are tj! Your personallity or you won't change cause of it just like that! It's just their stupid way of finding the right "general" treatment for you. When you meet people in the future you don't have to mention "high functionality asperger" ... you just have to tell them your name. ^^

Maybe that kind of thinking would make you feel more comfortable... dunno.. :/ Hugs! ^^

Bit of catching up to do, last few days have been messy and I needed to step back from posting till I at least had my consultant appointment today.

So, later on Tuesday after trying to contact my t by text for a few hours I was in a panic and spoke to one of the nurse managers... Big mistake. He essentially debunked what my T had said and that in the 3 weeks of me being here, there had been no hints of asprrgers to the staff.

This contradiction triggered a spiral of confusion and then despair and I made another attempt (which was stopped)... But they missed the fact that I had access to sharpe plastic and while they left me to get the doctors I went medi-evil on my arms... 30+ cuts on both which looking at them now I am both shocked that I had it in me in such a short time frame... And that I had that much self hate and apathy to be so excessive.

The nurse I spoke to originally came back in... Saw it and just said 'let's go for a walk outside' which was spot on... We had a long chat and I did calm down.

Ironically my T called me once we got back, reassured me that she believed there was a genuine case of concern and that she thought the nurse was out of order as the form of asprrgers she thinks I have is very easy to miss and that with my heightened anxiety and depression it's not a surprise that those aspects are coming to the foreground.

Next day I had a few wobbles (punching wall fits, impatience with staff and general irritability)... Did an outdoor activity in the afternoon that was going well till we hit a very crowded area and I became hyper sensitive to the noise... Covered my ears and had to sit down to do some calming exercises... Well the occupational therapist was concerned and irrespective of me keeping things together and not flipping out has said I'm not stable enough for further out door trips. Well, felt like a total failure... She said it wasn't my fault but damage was done and I'd ****ed up even though I thought I'd done well.

Asked my T to speak to my consultant before I saw him today (I rationalised with her that it was better he heard her opinions from her rather than second hand from me... Baring in mind I know near to bugger all anyway) which she did.

He took it on board and even said to me that she sounded very experienced and it was something to explore... However, for now he wants to focus fully on what he termed 'chronic' depression and anxiety. He is a bit concerned as he thinks that the hospital setting is not ideal for me but it's catch 22 as he doesn't think it's safe for me to go home either. Reiterated that I can discharge myself anytime I want but it would be against his medical advice... + he has added a medication that he wants to keep a close eye on: not sure of the name right now (edit: just found out its sodium valproate also known as epilim chrono) but it's a mood stabiliser primarily for treating bipolar but in my case is for reducing the sudden surges of calm/lucid - severely depressed, irrational and self harming.

He has also said that he's going to have an argument with the occupational therapists about the trips out as he wants me to do as much activity as possible.

Wow ermh... again I don't really know what to say... New medicine seems nice...no? I can check up some common side effects of it and see how other experience it... If you don't wanna google it yourself. I'm here at least.

Sorry for being me. Feeling awful this morning. I wish I was better by now.

Don't apologise for being you! I like you. Although I can understand the feeling. You wanna chat? Want to elaborate? Hugs anyways!

Edit: I can't chat right now..will be without internet for some time... bu send me a pm and I'll answer as soon as I can... (if you want to that is)

(((((TJ)))). Hope you hang in there. We're here for you.

((((((TJ))))))

Was wondering where you had got to I hope the new med helps to settle you. I've been on the same one since January with several increases since then. It makes me pretty drowsy during the day at work so my pdoc has changed the times that I take it and so far today I actually feel awake!

When I first started taking it my mood was pretty good for a couple of months but it dropped again and I haven't been able to get back to that since despite all the increases. Hopefully you will have more luck

And never apologise for being you, you are just fine

Yes, a classic dilemma... "Hospital setting is not ideal" -- I suspect that's an understatement for you.
I took the similar depakote for several years. Keep an eye out for side effects, especially those that may not appear immediately. If I remember correctly, this type of medication has a wide range of uses, including for epilepsy and other neurological disorders.

Here's hoping the benefits of being away from inpatient grow and become apparent to everyone soon.

Thanks for the messages.

Today has got progressively better though I think I'm coming down with a cold thoughtfully provided by my wife who just loves to share her germs and misery with me.

Had a weird confrontation with another patient this morning... Now I'm not a naturally aggressive person and usually with depression and anxiety I'd be useless anyway but I was lucid and calm(ish) at the time.

As I've said I am very hyper sensitive to noise and distraction and it can trigger all kinds of reactions out of me (usually self directed). Well I was talking to one of the junior doctors when this kid (19 - to early 20s) who is very impulsive and no regard for etiquette came up and start talking to my doctor very loudly and right by my ear. I took a deep breath and asked him politely to wait his turn to which he responded aggressively that I couldn't tell him what to do and to piss off... Then carried on.

I repeated a bit more forcefully to back off as his shouting was clanging in my ears and in turn he squared up to me in a manner by which was about to go to blows... And for once I had the energy for it... One of the nurses surged in and pulled me back before I lamped him one. Walked me down to somewhere quiet so that the triggers of noise were reduced and then went off to deal with the kid who was still kicking off.

Once I calmed down I spoke to the staff who had been involved and apologised but unanimously they said it wasn't my fault.

About 20 mins latter the kid came up and apologised which I accepted and he's been fine with me since.

So yeah, been a weird day... Woke up on edge and petrified at all the stimulus around me... Then almost had a fight... And since then it's been a relatively good day.

Hang in! Good people around here are pulling for you, TJ! Juleeo

Late at night and can't sleep. Some poor lad has been seriously injured after escaping the ward (he only came in earlier in the day) which I can only imagine was via the roof (a plan I had considered earlier in my stay). No idea what his diagnosis is but I'd been a bit nervous as he was loud and had been scheduled to move into the bed next to me.

He was brought back by the police about an hour ago and they are waiting for an ambulance to come to take him to a&e. I was sitting in the lounge at the time he got here and his face is mangled, looks like he's been kicked in the head repeatedly... Pretty horrific.

Feeling really sorry for him... First day on ward<escapes<beaten by god knows who.



What a horrible thing to endure.

Yikes!

Hoping you're asleep now, ToeJam...

He got beaten after escaping? How? By a stranger on the street? Or a patient at the hospital?

Hope you fell asleep after writing that. And that today has been a good day. Or...maybe...a better day..

Not entirely sure what happened but he was beaten outside of the hospital. He's back in the ward today which is kind of a pain in the arse... Not because of any dislike for him but because he's on level 1 observation which means a member of staff has to be in sight contact with him at all times.

He's in the bed next to me and as such it's added to my irritation as well, I'm in the bed next to him so the staff member can hear anything I'm doing which includes cutting which happened this morning. Was feeling very numb, empty and just in one of those general irrational states I get into.

Had my room raided and they found some of my utensils. Had a chat with one of the nurses and explained its a coping mechanism that reduces suicidal thoughts. He got that but flipped it (logical, I do understand) that they are responsible and held accountable for anything that goes wrong and were I to cut too deep (and one is a bit) and it was a serious injury how would it look them saying "well it was his coping mechanism"?

Couldn't exactly argue with the logic... But my depression deepened and I somehow convinced one of the nurses to let me have an unescorted walk which led to further cutting but outside.

By the afternoon I was starting to feel a bit better... My mum was coming down to visit and I was doing what I could to calm myself and prepare. About 10 mins before after a quick wash I asked one of the support workers for my deodorant (toiletries are locked away)... Not sure what possessed her to say it but she brought up the cutting and in a condescending tone said "we thought you were doing well, what is your wife going to think when she sees them?"

I replied at that time that what had happened in the morning was a different mind set to how I felt now... Which is true, I flip from calm/lucid - depressed/self-destruct and with hope the meds would balance me out.

Went back to my bed though and realised how angry I actually was... Returned and said that though I got her attempt to 'shame' me into thinking, I wish it was that ****ing simple and how dare she throw judgements at me that had no basis to my condition. My shouting Drew the attention of one of the nurses who asked what was wrong... Well for what ever reason I punched the wall and screamed that I was sick of this place. Split my knuckle bad and blood was pouring all over my hand. She took me to the quiet room and I burst into tears.

Explained what happened and she advised that she would have a word as it was unprofessional to trigger me off that way.

I said that I didn't want to see my mum now as I was in no state for it... She calmed me down, took me to the med room, cleaned up my hand and the cuts on my arms and told me to take a few minutes to use some grounding exercises while she went and talked to my mum.

Long story short, I ended up spending time with my mum and went for some walks. Later I cleared the air with the support worker and we both apologised.

Am probably going to lose my unescorted walks, but that's probably for the best.

Hugs.. :/ I really wish I could help you.

It hurts real bad to say this...but...Yes. It's probably for the best. In general...I think trusting the staff there is for your best...even if not everyone are that great.

toejam I have finally learned I need those retreats every so often......... wish they were on a private island instead. Huggles you and sending special thoughts