[mulan]

I haven't been around here for a long time. Life sometimes catch us in their constant full speed movement that our time to stop and look around is gotten away.

Well, I'm here now. I thought I could write in the ups and downs threat but today I felt like writing about me/my day here (not that it has been a particulary special day...)

6:00 a.m. :time to wake up. Read the last minute pages and do the last minute reviews before my last exam of the year. An exam on a saturday morning? yes, it seems so. I'm a little upset now because I fail two questions that I knew just because I was distrated. Multiple choice: I search for the correct setence, I didn't find the one I thought it was the true one, I had to chose between some I didn't find very correct...in the end the answear I wanted was in those setences. How did I missed it?

I take school very seriously. It's not learning or studying I take serious. It's having good grades I take serious, and by good grades I mean the elite grades. It's probably one of the few motivations I have and probably one of the things that has the potencial to let me down. I feel bad about myself when I'm not one of the best. I allways look up. And in the last times I'm not being one of the best. What my mind concludes: I'm not enough smart, I'm stupid...will I go anywhere?

I don't have anyone around to talk about this, beside than people don't understand how sad this can make me feel, when I complain about something like this I'm said to shut up...to not mock with the worst ones... I have been thinking lately, this can be also a cause of me being a middle child of two very demanding parents?

Got home after the exam, my sister was asleep. I didn't cook luch, or ate, just stayed 6/7 hours on the internet. I was so lectured by my sister when she woke up at 5 aclock p.m. (yes, she can sleep a lot!), she was mad, very mad, and blamed me because I didn't wake her up and I knew she had lots of things to do around the house today.
As usual, she called our mother, as usual she listened to her and toke her side. I have listened to many of these conversations, they are not nice to hear, hearing others complaining about me, blaming me, it's hurtfull. This time I didn't hear the conversation because I was taking a nap.

When I woke up by the sound of my mobile ringing (my mother was calling) I saw it had happen one more time. She pretended she wanted to know about me, until she told me to cook dinner for my sister...really?! I was sleeping why she couldn't have asked me herself! And by the time my mother was starting to lecture me taking my sisters side I just hang up and went cooking.

I wonder, are we still kids? she almost never calls mother, when she is mad at me she allways calls mother and I have to listen the same things from the two of them.

I'm irresponsable, that's true, I'm lazy, it's true. But way my sister has to be so mean and demanding about that? She is allways making me feel like a kid who desobeyed mother's orders (my sister is the mother)...It's like anything I do is never good enough for her. If she tell me to do something I would, few times she is satisfied with what I do.

My congrats to the brave ones who read this post until the end. The novel of my life is not so that interesting...I would say boring.

[Clara22]

Thank you for this post, Mulan. I was missing you. I am relieved as I imagine this is a temporary arrangement: one day you will get your degree and you will move out. The price you have to pay to get your degree is to live with your sister and endure your mom, as your family pays your bills. Sometimes it is too expensive, but also your aim ( your degree) is a good one and will stay with you forever, you will have a good profession. When I read your post I remember how many times I was frustrated by my parents. They put a lot of pressure on me even I had a recently acquired disability. My mom would show her frustration often as she had to assist me, even though I was self conscious and always try to do my best not to bother her. When my dad got his cancer he apologized to me he told he now understood how I felt when he was pushing me so hard. I told him not to worry. After many years I got a lot of independence. I moved to the US, my mom was very proud of me, came to visit me many times and we became really good friends. At the end of 2012 I came back to my country because of several issues, including my mom health. My mom passed away last year. I took care of her and several times I lost my temper while assisting her. She did not bother me, I was upset because I saw my mom suffering and did not know what to do. Then I understood her reactions during my adolescence when I got my disability.
If somebody had told me that I would become independent and that my relationship with my parents would change, I would not have believed it. When I was doing College, and I felt trapped at my parents home, I felt I was in hell. But now I know that things evolve naturally.
That is why that I am relieved as I imagine this is temporary for you. I send you a hug

[Pierro]

The situation you are in is not ideal but it is temporary. I dont think that you are lazy, you are driven and dont give yourself credit. Your sister should have something ready for you when you came home. Is she on night shift that she is in bed until 5pm?

[mulan]

Originally Posted by Clara22

Thank you for this post, Mulan. I was missing you. I am relieved as I imagine this is a temporary arrangement: one day you will get your degree and you will move out. The price you have to pay to get your degree is to live with your sister and endure your mom, as your family pays your bills. Sometimes it is too expensive, but also your aim ( your degree) is a good one and will stay with you forever, you will have a good profession. When I read your post I remember how many times I was frustrated by my parents. They put a lot of pressure on me even I had a recently acquired disability. My mom would show her frustration often as she had to assist me, even though I was self conscious and always try to do my best not to bother her. When my dad got his cancer he apologized to me he told he now understood how I felt when he was pushing me so hard. I told him not to worry. After many years I got a lot of independence. I moved to the US, my mom was very proud of me, came to visit me many times and we became really good friends. At the end of 2012 I came back to my country because of several issues, including my mom health. My mom passed away last year. I took care of her and several times I lost my temper while assisting her. She did not bother me, I was upset because I saw my mom suffering and did not know what to do. Then I understood her reactions during my adolescence when I got my disability.
If somebody had told me that I would become independent and that my relationship with my parents would change, I would not have believed it. When I was doing College, and I felt trapped at my parents home, I felt I was in hell. But now I know that things evolve naturally.
That is why that I am relieved as I imagine this is temporary for you. I send you a hug

It's nice to hear from you. I apreciated your words. And your life story gave me something to think about...thanks for sharing it. It doesn't looks like an easy life at all...

Probably the big question I have is if I can live a life on my own, and don't lose myself in the way? As I said I'm very irresponsable, probably more with me than with the others (I just don't complain or lecture me in the same way). Lets wait untill this summer passes and we will have some facts about it...Next year I will live many time just with my younger brother who doesn't keep me straight in line as my sister, that will be my time to play big sister. I'm not very threaled about it. I complain, that's true, but my family can be at the same time my worst enemy and my only and biggest support.

[mulan]

Originally Posted by Pierro

The situation you are in is not ideal but it is temporary. I dont think that you are lazy, you are driven and dont give yourself credit. Your sister should have something ready for you when you came home. Is she on night shift that she is in bed until 5pm?

I'm really lazy, but just the ones who live with me can see that!
My sister only became mad because I didn't wake her when she had to study...we both are in the same ship. She just likes to watch series until late and she can sleep a lot! I know if I was in her situation she would have wake me up, I was like looking to the watch from time to time and thinking, just one more moment and I will do it right away. For god sake I didn't have the motivation to cook or at least eat something when I was starving, I was thinking the same way about my need as I was thinking about my sister's need.

[Clara22]

Sometimes, I am too "lazy", too. I mean, I don't have the drive to do stuff for myself and get stuck. Actually, I don't think we are really lazy, it is something else

[Rohag]

Originally Posted by mulan

I have been thinking lately, this can be also a cause of me being a middle child of two very demanding parents?

When your situation permits (you are very busy now), I believe it would be valuable for you to investigate this and all your family interactions, not just those involving you. It could bring you many insights.

I wish you much success now and in the future, Mulan!