[Xzahn]

I wanted to write this down for so long, but kept postpone it because thinking and especially writing about it, makes me feel worse. Now I'll finally do it. It's gonna be long, and I want to thank in advance to those who read it.

There are few problems which began to interfere with my life. I had them for like 5-6 years, but I never gave them much significance. Until the last two-three years. The few people that knew about them, were telling me that they all gonna disappear with time. They didn't. I tried to get rid of them myself, but nothing seems to work. I'am able to suppress them, but it doesn't work well.

As far as my personal analysis of myself can tell, I have three problems, which are more or less related.

1. Weak Social Skills

I just cannot understand well with other people. When I talk to them, I've always think what I'm going to say next, are they going to like it, what they gonna think of me. I even began to stutter. And its not only when I talk. It is the same with all my actions. Hell, I'm even thinking how I should walk. If there are a lot people around me, especially if they are strangers, I began to shiver, my motor skill abilities become terrible. I act completely inadequate. I can't have a proper smooth conversation with my former classmates, which I already know for like 5 years. You can image what will be talking to the girl I like. Its gonna be 3 years now, since I first met her. And I write to her in Facebook from time to time, to remind her that I exist. And I'm not that kind of person. And I wasn't. I like meeting new, interesting and quality people. Even though I have hard time expressing my feeling and emotions, I really want to. I know I'm not the most social person ever, and I don't want to be. All I want is to be able to talk normally to people, without the thinking and the fear. It's not too much to want I guess.

2. Low Self Esteem

Obvious I guess. I don’t really have a reason, but I’m always criticizing myself. I have more than one accomplishments, but they just doesn't seem to matter. I have perfect image of myself, and the tiniest flaw or mistake can put me in depression for weeks. In future I imagine myself as not only successful but a good and quality person, and not being that person now or fearing that I’ll never be, makes me crazy. Now I need to find a job, and I think that it wont be problem with my specialization, but I’m afraid. I don’t know exactly why, but I suspect It might be because I think I’m not going to do it right, and I’ll fail. I don’t talk to the girl I like, because I’m like…“why would she want to be with me, when I don’t want to be with myself. I’ll wait until become a better person”. Only waiting doesn't working, though.

3. Lack of clear goals

I’m interested in too many things, and I have so many goals, that sometimes I get so frustrated and confused that I rather watch a movie, than actually do something. Most of the time it’s a huge mess in my mind. I’m interested in IT, and generally in software engineering, but I also quite enjoy, if not even more, web designing and developing. My university exam on 25 July, is on software developing language, and I must pass it with excellence in order to learn for free. Yet, I (or my mind) just decided to start watching web design tutorials, because its more enjoyable in the moment. And what is a web designer without Photoshop skills – started watching Photoshop tutorials. While I’m thinking, server administration might be helpful too. I’m interest in psychology, more precisely social psychology. I want to learn that too, later on. Maybe in France, so I need to learn French. Awesome. But I have other interests, such as neuro-linguistic programming, philosophy, graphology and body language. A month ago I was looking into local university’s journalism majors. That is because I like the automotive journalism. But you can’t be really successful working as an employee, right? I need to take matter in my own hands and learn entrepreneurship, marketing or maybe finance?

Well, in my head is far more confusing than its sounds here. Sometimes I think I’m going to explode from questions. If you went this far, it means you read it, so thank you. I appreciate it. I really needed to write this down, since there is no one that I can actually talk to, about it. I’m 19, the year in which I need to make a few right decisions.

[Altered Moment]

One comment. Maybe imagine yourself as already being a good quality successful person right now because you are. Make a list of all your successes and qualities.
Also at 19 you don't have to decide your whole future in one shot. Focus on your test and take the rest one day at a time. For all of us one day at a time is all we can do. Think about only what you will do today and short term goals like the test.

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[Xzahn]

Originally Posted by zinco14532323

One comment. Maybe imagine yourself as already being a good quality successful person right now because you are. Make a list of all your successes and qualities.
Also at 19 you don't have to decide your whole future in one shot. Focus on your test and take the rest one day at a time. For all of us one day at a time is all we can do. Think about only what you will do today and short term goals like the test.

You're right, but it's easier said than done. Tried so many times. Thank you, for reading it.

[Pierro]

Where are the positives. I know that you have some.

[Xzahn]

Originally Posted by Pierro

Where are the positives. I know that you have some.

I guess I do have. As long as I'm home, everything seems good, or at least not so bad, but the moment I need to do something important, especially including people, things can go totally the opposite way.