[EglantineRose]

So, I have depression (kind of like double depression- sometimes severely depressed, lately I have been more empty/having symptoms of chronic depression) and an anxiety disorder. Even though my health still is not good, I decided to try doing more with my life lately, which have included enrolling in college next year (online program) volunteering one day a week, and recently I got a job that is full-time over the summer (it is
housekeeping, so with my low levels of energy from depression I have found it extremely challenging, but I want to consistently get better at this job, because I like the work environment and it is very tough to find work where I live). Despite accomplishing a lot over the past few months, I still feel unhappy and still have a lot of fears.

I currently take 15 mg of Cipralex, which works in some ways, but it does not make me feel any happier, more relaxed or more energetic. I honestly don't even know what my motivation has been for doing all of these things, because I do not feel satisfied with anything despite knowing how far I have come over the past few months- I just feel empty and a lot of the time still afraid- of myself and who I am or could be as a person, and of failing.

Although I have done fairly well when it comes to work, school, etc, I am still not doing well in terms of friendships (I have not had friends in years) and finding personal meaning and/or satisfaction with life. I don't know what is going to create this feeling, or what is going to make me feel happy. I'm sure that if I could feel happy I could find the things that make me happy, but that feeling has just been non-existent for me for years. I'm not even just upset over the fact that i'm not happy, but I have had a fear at times that I am a horrible person (I used to tell myself that it was ok that I was unhappy, as long as I was being a decent person and I wasn't crazy).
Anyways, i'm afraid that this depression, unhappiness with my life and this fear is going to bring me down and make me loose motivation to do the things I am already doing. It is sad because I never used to be this
way, I am sure that at one point I was a more normal person. I already had to change my entire sleep pattern around in order to work at the job I have (last year I was going to bed in the late morning/afternoon and waking up in the evening, and now i'm waking up early in the morning for my job).
Something that I am planning to do is go to a support group this month, because I would really like to connect with and maybe even get to
know some people in my community who share some of my struggles, because I really want to have people in my life who understand me and who I could be there for as well, if it is possible to meet others who want the same thing, it would be very positive for me. It would just be nice to connect to people who are on the same path to a healthier life that I am. Anyways, any suggestions would be greatly appreciated. I am just so tired of living my life either always being afraid or depressed.

[bluekoi]

EglantineRose, I suffer from depression, too. I understand how hard it is for you. Maybe you should ask your doctor to increase the Cipralex or add another med? Sounds like you are doing a good job of trying to help yourself!

[glok]

Hello, EglantineRose. As suggested, please let your treatment team know about your concerns.

I wish you well.

[eeyorestail]

Eglantine Rose, your situation sounds a lot like mine was years back. It's great that you are trying to put yourself out there and do more. I think that will go a long way in helping you feel better and more motivated. Like the others suggested, it might be good to take a look at your meds. A little tweaking can make a big difference, especially in that "get off your feet" kind of way.