[NohopeYet]

I'm about to be brutally honest! I wish I could die without the fear of going to HELL. That is the only thing that keeps me alive. Its crazy because my fears keep me isolated and suicidal but my fears also keep me alive. I have a mother who lacks empathy and compassion. with NO one else I can depend on for support. I have been diagnosed with severe depression and social phobia. I have struggled with low self esteem and body image for over 15 years. I am overweight, physically ill (doctors don't know what is wrong), gained over 50 pounds in the last year and have no friends. I have literally pushed all my friends away with my isolation. I have been to 2 treatment programs. One when I was 16 (was there for 2 years) and another one as an adult where I was there for 30 days. Neither one helped! I have been seeking therapy on my own but it never gets me anywhere. I literally have no motivation to get out of bed or even bathe myself (disgusting i know). I am a complete waste of life. I have begged my mother to at least talk to me when I feel like giving up and all she does is yell about what I don't do right. No emotional support at all and she has now turned my family against me. They wont have anything to do with me because they think I'm out of control (based off what my mother has told them). I have come to terms that my mother is not capable of showing me love and support. I have no one and I feel like giving up but I don't have the courage to end my life. Does anyone relate to these feelings?

[Rohag]

Hello & Welcome, NohopeYet.

Originally Posted by NohopeYet

I have come to terms that my mother is not capable of showing me love and support.

Good. I mean, it's not good your mother is incapable of being a support, but it is healthy to accept she cannot serve in that role.

Depression + Social Phobia + physical illness(es) = Isolation + Misery

Originally Posted by NohopeYet

I have been seeking therapy on my own but it never gets me anywhere.

You've already been through two formal treatment programs. Only if you want to share, what have you been trying to do lately?

Please make yourself at home.

[Flower68]

I also have a mother who is not a good support system for me. It's very upsetting but you must move on. I have a wonderful boyfriend who helps me when I feel down.

I used to get upset and ask GOD why he would give me a mother like this. It's not fair etc.

I think he did so I would have compassion for others.

Are you spiritual at all?

[Frankbtl]

Hi NohopeYet, I am really sorry that you haven't had the support you need.
But you've come to the right place here for some understanding and support, OK?? You're not on your own, and thank-you for sharing what's been going on for you.

Just going to ask you a couple of questions if that's OK.
It is really good that you've tried to get help with therapy especially considering your other lack of support, but have you managed to actually see a therapist?? Could they have been better if you have?? Or do you think that you could go through a pdoc or someone for a referral/recommendation?? Even one who can work with you online if you're having problems getting out??? Or maybe try some online chat/crisis lines???
The overweight/physically ill part...........could that be due to medication/side effects?? Although I'd say that maybe a review of medication might be helpful anyway with the way you're feeling.

But absolutely don't judge yourself/"beat yourself up" about the way you're feeling, the things you're struggling to do, right now. Depression can "zap" you so completely that even the smallest of tasks can seem like climbing a mountain. So anything you can do, anything you can do despite..........you've seriously got to give yourself credit for. And now about you getting you the help you need to move a bit further forward??
And there are going to be people on here who can relate to you, understand and are either going through or have come through some of the same things as you are right now.
I should also mention the forums on here for Anxiety, Panic and Phobias and for Self Esteem if you haven't already seen them. If you check them out you'll see that there are others going through/been through Social Phobia/Self Esteem issues and it is often good to share experiences.
So, welcome to PC, and if your family aren't there for you right now, we are!!!

Alison

[Jolisse]

Hi NoHopeYet,
I can relate to your feelings, I know what it's like to be completely overwhelmed and have nowhere to turn.
After 20 yrs. of chronic depression, I realised healing comes from within. You can choose to stay depressed, or you can fight it. Unfortunately there's no magic pill to take away our pain.
No matter how you feel, you have to go out and do things. I know how hard it is, when you just want to stay in bed all day. You need to do something that will take your thoughts off of your depression and focus them on something else.
Engaging in outside activities will give your mind a rest, even for a short period of time.
You can't allow yourself to fall into a deeper depression. The longer you stay like this, the harder it is to crawl out of that dark hole.
I don't know if you're on meds, but that would be a great start. I find exercise, interacting with other people and doing something productive to be very helpful. You're in a cycle, that you need to break, for you're own sanity.
Over the 20yrs. I've felt like you many times, but managed to help myself by doing something to give my life a purpose.
I know right now, you feel there's nothing that can help you. But once you start taking small steps, you'll start to feel a little bit better. It may only be for a short period of time, but that will turn into longer periods of time.
Do you work? I find working to be a great distraction and always feel better for doing it.
You can't give into these feelings, you need to fight and do anything and everything to feel better. Please, please don't give up on yourself, you can overcome depression with a lot of work. But this is your life we're talking about and you need to fight for it.

[James511]

Dear No Hope Yet, When I've experienced an overwhelming episode of self hate or loathing it's been because I've blamed my situation on my perceived shortcomings or my inability to function as a regular person. Sometimes we are born with great coping skills and sometimes we're not. Each of us is different. Try not to judge yourself so harshly. You are what you are, the good the bad and everything in between. I'm thinking of you and I'll say a pray that you get through this too. Be tough, please....

[waterknob1234]

Hi NohopeYet, and welcome to pc. Your story tugs at my heart because it sounds so similar to mine. I have been in a dark depression for about a year now. I have thought of suicide but I don't dare act on it for the same reason as you. I don't want to spend an eternity in hell. I also don't want to do that to my children. I am also overweight, though in my case I have lost some weight due to physical illnesses. I have also had weird physical illnesses, the latest of which is migraine headaches. I am sorry you have to deal with the hurtful lack of empathy from your mother. At least you are able to accept the fact that she is not able to be supportive. I find that most people are not able to understand depression and offer us the support we so desperately need unless they have experienced it themselves.

I don't know what your weight and physical condition is but getting outside and walking and doing a physical activity would help. Of course it is hot as blazes in Florida this time of year so anything outdoors you would probably need to do early in the morning or late in the evening. The other option is walking in an indoor air conditioned mall. I would say don't give up on yourself because your life is too important and you are too important. Seek different kinds of help. I find fighting depression is like fighting a battle but it is a battle worth fighting. And I believe we each have to find our own purpose to live for. You are here for a unique purpose. Don't give up. And keep posting to us here on pc. God bless.

[Fuzzybear]

[Clara22]

Hi,
I feel reflected on your words. Because of several reasons, my mom was like yours. Our relationship became better later on. Many things she told me or did to me were more related to her background than to me or her relationship with me, at the end of the day. She had enormous problems herself and inevitably she passed those onto us. For example, my sister, who died from cancer, revealed she had had a very painful conflict with my mom all her life, my sister revealed this almost at the end of her life. She never felt loved by mom. To me it was a surprise because I thought my sister was the favourite child of my mom. She ( my sister) chose to be at her home almost until dying. The last day at home she said to my niece: "Oh I think that grandma loves me, she is coming everyday to see me." What my sister did not know ( my niece, either) that it was me who pushed my mom very hard to visit my sister more often as my sister was terminal. My mom would not go if you did not tell her, not because she did not love my sister but because my mom was emotionally impaired.
My brother has a lot of mental health issues and addictions and his relationship with my mom was terrible.
Only as an adult I could build a better relationship with my mom. It took a lot of time and me going to live overseas. I don't want to leave the impression that my dad did not have issues, as well, but for sure my mom's were worse or more damaging.
I have been diagnosed as having an anxiety disorder plus depression. I was told that anxiety is the most important component and that it was inherited from my mom side. Also I think her negative thinking and detachment impacted on my childhood, personality, etc. but this is the rule of life: in turn, my mom had had a very painful childhood. To me acceptance of this fact has helped a bit in order to find relief and improvement. I have had ups and downs. I think you will be able to feel differently in the future, less hopeless. Please, keep posting, this place is helpful