[freefallin]

I know there is nothing anyone can do to fix the situation for me. I'm really just thinking about things and venting in what is hopefully a safe place to do so.

I don't have very many "in person" friends. I had some in high school and college, but everyone's gone their own ways by now. What I do have is a group of online friends, but honestly, they're very bad for me. I wish I could remove them from my life, but I can't. Here's why.

So a few years ago, I found out that there is this circle on the internet of people who participate in freelance projects. Writing projects, editing projects, data entry projects, etc. Everyone has kind of heard of everyone else who regularly freelances on these projects, but there are definitely sub-cliques of friends within.

I applied to one of the jobs several years back when I needed some money and was afraid to work outside of the home due to health issues I was experiencing. One day, one of the women started a Facebook group with some of her freelancing friends, and I guess one of them said, "Hey, that girl 'freefallin' seems cool. We should invite her to the group." Ever since, we have all kind of popped into the group all throughout the day and chatted about whatever was on our minds. They're the only "friends" I have who I talk to every day.

I've honestly wished I could just leave the group for a couple of years now, though. They're bad for me. Two of the women in there are very well off financially these days, while the rest of us are rather poor. The two well off ones love to flaunt their wealth because I guess they were poor for a while themselves and now want to feel better than others for once. I know I am not just imaging this because one of the two has even admitted that she loves when people her age are jealous of her "success." She is very overt with it. For instance, if I post that I just found a new wallet at Walmart for $5, she will pop in and say something to the effect of, "Cool! I love my wallet so much! It's this designer one," and then she posts a picture of her $300 wallet. One day, I posted a picture of the shoes I just got from Payless, and she responded saying she would never buy shoes from Payless because they're cheap crap that breaks, and she only buys designer shoes now. She brags about how easily she has found jobs while I can never seem to find one too. It's stuff like that ALL OF THE TIME, and it just really wears on me.

The other thing is that all of them except for me are in relationships, and they're the type who like to talk about their sex lives all of the time. They're always asking me when I am going to get a boyfriend or when the last time I "got laid" was. They know it makes me feel uncomfortable and bad about myself since I have never even dated someone, but they do it anyway. I would not at all be surprised to find out that they have held private conversations among themselves in which they speculate on whether or not I've ever had sex. They're constantly reminding me how nice it is to have someone around to help pay the bills or offer emotional support, and it's just like, "Thanks so much for rubbing in my face that which I don't have."

Honestly, these just aren't the types of people I want to associate with ALL of the time either. I'm fine with having friends from a variety of backgrounds, but I need to be around likeminded people if I ever want to get to where I truly want to be in life, I think. Most of the women in the group had children very young, and the reason they work from home is that they're housewives who stay home with the kids. That's what they see as their life's biggest aspiration--being mothers and living the housewife sort of lifestyle. There is nothing wrong with that, but that is not the type of life I want. I want to have a traditional career someday and don't want to have kids until I'm in my 30s if ever. I know several of them "settled" with the men they're with because they have admitted they just didn't want to be alone. I'm not the type of person to date someone I don't really like that much; I would rather wait until someone who is a good match comes along, but they see that as a bad thing because they think being in a relationship is what it's all about. I just don't really fit in with them that well, and it would be helpful to be around people who are more like me sometimes.

Talking to these people all of the time is just fueling my depression further. These are people who intentionally try to make me feel bad about myself. Not all of them are like that, but enough are that it really affects me. I want to leave the FB group or even deactivate my FB all together, but I can't. For one, a lot of project managers post about online jobs on FB, so I would never hear about a lot of opportunities when they arise without FB. For two, if I just left the group, I would awkwardly run into those women all of the time since they participate in so many of the same freelance projects.

I so badly want to find a job outside of the home so I can get away from this toxic freelancing circle, but I can't seem to. Months of applying to jobs made it very evident that employers just don't want me. So I'm stuck.

Sorry this is long. No one has to respond! I just really needed to get that all off my chest.

[waterknob1234]

I understand how it feels being stuck in a toxic situation. These so called "friends" you describe sound like people with what I would call shallow values. I don't look down on them for being housewives or placing high value on spending time with their children. I did this when my children were small. Thankfully, at that time in my life I had the resources to spend at home time with my children. I am concerned about the value system they are teaching their children but that is not for us to control.

These people sound like selfish, shallow, materialistic people who are only interested in money, themselves, and materialistic things. I love my $5.00 Walmart wallet. If I had the money for designer clothes I would spend that money on something else, like getting medical bills paid off and fixing up my house. I promise you that their relationships with their husbands or boyfriends will not last and they will end up with nasty breakups and divorces because they are in relationships for all the wrong reasons. I don't discuss my sex life because it is private. Your sex life is private. And theirs should be private. Your sex life is none of their business.

Since so much of the world, social and business is unfortunately tied to facebook, it is probably not wise to close out your facebook account altogether, and you do want to keep yourself open to freelancing job opportunities, but I would seek more positive friends. Do not compare yourself to these people. You are better than them. Their little successes now are temporary. You are correct in that it would be good to start finding other people to be friends with.

Keep posting here. I have found that everyone here is very helpful and supportive. This is a good place to rant. I think you have a good head on your shoulders. Hang in there. I know what you mean about this job search thing. I have a job but I am searching for another. I haven't searched for a job in 10 years and it seems to be more complicatied than it used to be. Best of wishes to you.

[tigerlily84]

I would definitely agree with waterknob. You deserve better, and you seem like a kind person. I also know what it's like to be in a toxic relationship with someone. In my case I have been in several, with a certain family member and also "friends." The thing is, since I grew up with a toxic family member, I thought that it was normal for people to treat me the way that your friends are treating you. So I didn't know the difference. You do.

I find that the best way to deal with these people is to simply change the topic when they begin saying derogatory things. Since they are a freelancing social group, keep the conversation focused on work related topics. If they begin to ask questions about your personal life, just tell them that you would rather talk about the project that you're working on because you have a deadline, or whatever the case may be. Be cordial but firm. You have to draw boundaries with them. You don't owe them explanations and they aren't your friends.

As for them talking about their sex lives and flaunting their success? I find that on social media, people tend to overexaggerate (if not flat-out lie) about how successful/happy they are. That's why people post their best selfies and make sure to share where they're checking in. Most likely they are unhappy with their empty lives. You have nothing to be envious of. Focus on your work (which you have control over). I'm also looking for a job and it's awful out there so I understand completely. Good luck to you.

[flours]

Hi freefallin,

I know that situation very well. The people I know and I studied with are just the same. Only they're talking about different things but it is the same attitude. like they would always tell you what prestigious project they're working on right now and about what famous persons they've befriended(!!) they always wear the latest fancy clothes that you can recognize from the magazines. just that they're already worn out and damaged. or they have the newest device like iPad or whatever but the display is already broken. just to show off their attitude and that they can afford to wear down these things quickly. they do the same with education. they talk about some intellectual books they've (all) read and I am the only one who hasn't so I cannot be a part of the conversation.

(I honestly don't know how they can keep up. I feel like nothing compared to some of them… seriously…. I know a lot are using drugs to keep working and network but I don't want to…drinking is already enough of a danger for me. it's crazy!)

and I'm jealous of them! really really jealous and I hate myself for being! I feel like a bad person because of that and that makes everything even worse.

but I know they're not all bad people. some are really nice. it's just a stupid social group that does that. they're all under the same pressure and I guess I do look the same, maybe sound the same. (not quite that impressive…)
anyway it's horrible. every time I meet someone it frustrates me so much. but I don't think they're doing that to make me feel bad. I rather think they're doing that to make themselves feel good. to tell themselves loudly what they have achieved so they can feel better because I think they're also suffering from constant competition and may have their own issues.

so I don't really know if there is even a reason to be jealous at all… it's like on Facebook. we all just show our sunny sides.

[Clara22]

I promise some of the people that are showing off as big winners and Prada shoppers are feeling as much or more insecure than us. That is why they spend a lot of money in futile stuff and take the time or bother to expose their "achievements". I do not know if you have encounter somebody that lived with plenitude. I am agnostic but I used to participate in the church in the past. I met some people that were peaceful and quite happy, and they were humble. Also, at the university I remember that professor, he loved his stuff, and he did not care about fashion at all. Last time I saw him he told me he and his wife had gotten rid of several possessions because they wanted to have less and less. I kind of envy him.

[freefallin]

I appreciate all of the replies, everyone. I'm not ignoring this thread. I'm just waiting to reply to it when I'm less hallucinatory lol. I've been awake for a very long time because of stupid freelance-related crap I'll probably post about tomorrow. Going to try to sleep for two hours then wake up and study for the test I never got to study for because of aforementioned freelance crap.

[Clara22]

Good luck with the test!

[freefallin]

Originally Posted by Clara22

Good luck with the test!

Thank you. I'm pretty screwed on it. Too much information to absorb in a short amount of time. BUT it's our last of four exams, and our professor replaces our lowest grade with our final exam grade. I made 97, 98, and 97 on the first three, so even if I make a 5% on this one, the grade will essentially be erased. I'm just trying not to let my inner perfectionist win because even if I know a grade will have no effect on me in the end, I still stress over it.

[freefallin]

I think there is probably truth to the idea that none of them are truly happy. It just sucks that they have to try to build themselves up at my expense.

I can't only talk with them about work things because the point of the group isn't to talk about freelance work. People talk about the work they're doing in there sometimes, but it's intended as more of a general hangout. They would be like, "wtf is wrong with you?" if I told them I would only discuss work from now on haha.

It feels like lately they're constantly trying to rub it in that they all have somebody, while I have nobody. Like I see them constantly saying things like, "I'm so glad I have so and so. I can't imagine not having someone to cuddle with at night," and then they all have a conversation right there in front of me about how they all agree life alone would be terrible. Like, hello, I'm right here. It also seems like they only support one another with their relationship problems because they see those as "real" problems. If I post that I'm upset about something, they ignore me. idk. Someday I'll be able to leave that group.

Thank you for your replies. It's helpful to be reminded that there are others out there who aren't as shallow and always trying to devalue others to make themselves feel like more worthwhile people.