[Hellion]

So I'd be lying if I said I've been feeling great and my depression doesn't have the upper hand. I mean I have been doing what I can not to be dragged down too much...and also keeping in mind friends/family who care about me and who I care about and enjoying time with them as best i can. But on the inside I feel pretty crappy...I think if you asked most people who know me they'd say I seem to be doing fine right now, guess I have gotten better and better at more or less hiding it around people out of fear of dragging others down with my misery.

I have been having suicidal sorts of thoughts, which I don't have plans of acting on and thats all based on just being in pain, sick of just surviving and medicating/drugging symptoms even though I know I should not be down on myself for not being able to attain relief via a healthy diet and excercise and talk therapy. But even more disturbing then the suicidal thoughts brought on by essentially being exhausted of existence, is more impulsive thoughts I've been getting.

Like I am used to it building up over a few days to the point I consider ending it at which point I can either convince myself otherwise, but have had to go to the ER a couple times due to being unable to do that on my own. But somewhat recently I will have more sudden thoughts like I am walking across a train track or street and think 'what if i just stand here and see if one hits me' might even stop a second before I sort of then think 'what the hell am I doing'...then it sort of wears off but that can happen when I am not even really feeling suicidal. Also sort of invasive thoughts pop in my mind like different ways I could end it I just don't know what to do with that...so far I've had it under control but what if I actually did do something stupid during one of those impulses? I don't know if this really makes sense, but its the best I can explain it....does anyone else get that sort of thing?

[flours]

Originally Posted by Hellion

But somewhat recently I will have more sudden thoughts like I am walking across a train track or street and think 'what if i just stand here and see if one hits me' might even stop a second before I sort of then think 'what the hell am I doing'...

Had that before without ever having actual suicidal plans. Like some strange force was controlling me and I just thought what the xxxk ....

[Hellion]

Originally Posted by flours

Had that before without ever having actual suicidal plans. Like some strange force was controlling me and I just thought what the xxxk ....

I suppose the fact that I have actually attempted worries me...so worried about what if I act on one of those impulsive things. Suppose it wouldn't be a bad idea to mention it in my next therapy appointment.