[dhail1]

I've been living with this annoying on off depression for a couple of years now. I'm not quite sure when it all started but it seems to get more and more severe with each episode, it's to the point now where I don't know what to do with myself. Regular daily activities that used to occupy most of my time, such as gaming, chatting with friends etc. just don't seem fun any more, and I've lost almost all motivation to do anything. As a result of this, my school work is suffering. It was hard enough to get motivation before, but now it's almost impossible and even if I do manage to drag out a work book, it just ends with me closing it having learned nothing at all.

I've considered suicide before, but I don't think my depression will will ever be bad enough for me to see killing myself as anything other than a selfish cop out. Mostly I'm just sick of this constant feeling of loneliness and worthlessness, even though I don't have any reason to be feeling those things. Realising this then makes me feel guilty, as if I don't deserve to be depressed. It's because of this that I can't ever reach out to my family or friends, and I likely never will, I'm always afraid that if I do, they'll see it as a failure on their part, or that it will change how they see and treat me.

so can you guys offer any advice? I honestly need some help, but i don't want anyone I'm close to to find out about my "issue". thanks

[regretful]

If there is a counseling center at your school, you might start there; not sure if pastoral counseling is your thing, but I have found that to be useful and private in the past. But in all reality, you might want to swallow your pride and tell someone. I had to admit my depression problems to my wife, family and friends (not necessarily in that order). When I did, they were able to pitch in and help...btw, you don't need any reason to be depressed. It is an illness, and the guilt about being depressed is part of that illness. I wish you well in your search for help.