[Haunted1]

lately I've been really depressed, mostly over the past month or so. I shouldn't be really, I have great friends who give everything they have to keep me up, a fiance' I love and a wedding to plan, I'm almost done with college and have a job I love, but I'm depressed.

A little over a month ago my dog died. I made a post about how this affected me and I struggled. losing that dog was like losing the best part of myself, my child and best friend. I was hysterical for days and was put on medication to help me deal, I slipped into a depression that only my best friend kept pushing me out of.

A few weeks ago I decided to get a puppy because I was so lonely without my dog. I found a lab mix online and instantly fell in love with her picture. My fiancé told me not to get my hopes up because the picture was old and all the puppies might be gone that one included.

I messaged the lady and that was one of only two puppies left, I was so excited and drove two hours to get her. Upon meeting the puppy I just knew she was the puppy for me, something in her eyes made all the hurt go away. I knew she'd never be my old dog, but that was okay I wanted her to just be her.

I let this puppy sleep with me everyday and for the first week didn't leave my house because I wanted her to bond with me, I did everything with her. We hit it off pretty well and I instantly was in love.

A few days after getting said puppy I found a possum hit on the road, one I often fed on my porch I was upset and buried it, then a few days later I found a baby bird laying in the middle of the road, I tried to locate where it came from and could not. I love animals so much and I took the baby bird into my home where I fed it with a dropper every hour even during the night and I kept a heating pad on it. After three days it died, a few days later my goldfish of five years died. I was devastated over the bird and fish but tried to keep playing with my puppy and just breathing.

Today I came home from shopping to realize my puppy killed my pet chicken while I was gone. I loved that chicken I say pet because I hugged it, held it, named it and spoiled it rotten. My puppy killed. All the emotions boiled over and I was angry beyond angry, I said I wanted to get rid of the puppy because I am in fear for my cats and other small chicken. I don't know how she even got the first one it was locked away. I said I didn't want to risk more animal lives by keeping her. this led to a fight between me and my fiancé who said I was being cruel to the puppy and not fair because she doesn't know better. I didn't beat or even smack the puppy I simply ignored her when she came near. I'm so hurt over my poor chicken that even looking at the puppy makes me want to scream at her. she went from being my new companion to an evil little monster in just one day. I don't see my puppy I see the thing that killed my chicken.

Deciding that I had ignored her long enough I attempted to make peace and be kind but now the puppy hates me. She refuses to sit with me and prefers to lay at my moms feet, she won't come into bed with me anymore but sleeps on my moms floor. When I call her she ignores me and when I put her in my bed she immediately runs back to my moms floor.

I only ignored her a few hours, but she'd rather sleep on my moms floor than in a big warm bed with me.

I want my old dog back, I want my big girl that slept with me and I had seven years with. The puppy and I are pretty much done for relationship wise because she now ignores me even when I bribe her with food and once again I'm alone. I have a house with two dogs and both prefer my mom, I'm sleeping along again and I have no companion to love me.

I'm depressed and I don't know what to do at this point. There's no point in getting a new dog it will probably ignore me as well, maybe I was a little hard on the puppy but I was so hurt and I feel as if everything I love either dies or hates me.

I tried to keep the bird alive but giving it everything I had wasn't enough, the fish, my dog, my chicken all dead and the one thing that should comfort me hates me and I'm not thrilled with it.

I don't know if I can ever love that puppy again like I did but I can't try when she won't come near me. i'm fed up and feel so alone, I just don't see the point in me owning animals and they used to bring me nothing but joy, the past month I've felt nothing but pain.

I just can't see a light at the end of the tunnel anymore, and I feel truly alone.

[Rohag]

Originally Posted by Haunted1

I want my old dog back...
...I feel truly alone.

Mourning, trauma, more mourning and all set in a bunch of other pressures. I'm sorry. This is heartbreaking.

Have you been able to talk to your therapist about these events?

[smmath]

Wow, you have a lot going on. I can understand how the deaths of your animals really effected you. I'm sorry that those things happened. Hugs.

Are you in therapy?

Major depression is an illness. One might say: "I shouldn't have diabetes" too. But by saying that, they would most likely not be suggesting perhaps they were at fault. They might be suggesting it's "not fair" which is also a debatable proposition.

When one succumbs to major depression, one may say I shouldn't be depressed. But by saying so, one cannot mean that one should not have depression any more than one can say s/he should not have diabetes. Does this make sense?

[Haunted1]

I don't have a therapist I don't really have the money right now and years ago when my abusive father left my mother *at last* I was in therapy I had several bad experiences. I talk to my best friend mostly she's very supportive and always listens.

[Rohag]

I regret your bad experiences in therapy. I'm glad and relieved you have a supportive best friend.

Just a guess - your early experiences in a home with an abusive father have something to do with the way you experience trauma and grief now. Please keep talking to your friend and also to your fiancé - as best you two are able.

[Haunted1]

Yes, the abusive father caused more emotional scarring than I'm comfortable to admit too, it's also why I have a passion for animals. A book my mom once read said the reason I bond so strongly with animals and try to save them all is because I felt worthless as a child and I bond with animals because they don't judge or reject me.
I struggle with depression,anxiety,nightterrors,severe emotional issues, introversion and just for fun an eating disorder all stemming from my "Father" I also have trust/relationship issues. In short order I'm a mess and the only thing that used to keep me going was my dog and for no reason what so ever God saw it fit to take even that from me. So now I get to struggle with my religion as well.