[deadpoet]

I'm a gay man who's lover decided to call it quits after nearly 25 years. To a degree, the relationship was toxic: we could, at times, bring out the worst in one another. But my memories (selective?) are if the times we brought out the best in one another. We were such a great compliment to one another. Now that he's gone, I feel completely lost without him. Sadness fills my days and it's difficult to think of anything but what once was. My mind keeps returning to this no matter what I do. Somehow, I can't see my future without him. And yes, there are times when life seems like a futile exercise to me. Therapy isn't covered by Medicare in this state, and even if it was, the copays would be beyond my financial means. If you've any ideas about how I can access proper mental health care, please share them with me. I don't want to feel this way anymore. Thanks.:sinking

[glok]

Hello, deadpoet. The grieving process often is long and hard.

Finding Low-Cost Psychotherapy | Psych Central - Part 2
NAMI: National Alliance on Mental Illness | State & Local NAMIs

I wish you well.

[shabur]

Hi deadpoet. It sounds like you may have codependency issues. One typical definition is "having low self-esteem and looking for anything outside of ourselves to make us feel better, making the relationship more important to us than we are to ourselves."
I know how you feel; I've been there. I lived with a friend for many years and it was a toxic relationship. When she decided to move out I felt completely lost. I was willing to overlooked all the bad in order to maintain our relationship.
I was fortunate to join a group facilitated by a therapist that focused on codependent relationships. I'm now more confident in myself and don't look for my self worth in others. There are CoDA (Codependents Anonymous) groups out there that are either free or cost only what you can give be it $1 or more.

[Haunted1]

Hello deadpoet, I don't really know why I'm commenting on this I can't being really to imagine what you must be feeling losing someone like that.
You said your relationship was kind of toxic, I've been in those I once dated a guy who out relationship wasn't good for anyone let alone us but we couldn't stay away. When I walked away if was for the best but it was hard for awhile.
I thought maybe even though we were terrible to one another he was the best I would ever get, I feared being alone.
I'm engaged now to a wonderful man, he treats me like a man should.
I want you to know that you deserve a great relationship and while it's hard now you will find someone who makes you see what you were missing and you'll realize that one wasn't working.
A toxic relationship blinds you until you don't realize it until you step back and think about it. I hope you get to feeling better and if you want to PM I'd love to talk to you and help if I can.