[notafanofme]

Ok Hello Everyone,

I will try my best to keep this introduction of myself ramble free but I can not promise anything.

First off I am a 23 year old Puerto Rican / African American woman who is married to a now inactive 23 year old Puerto Rican man. Got married at 18 and immediately moved with my husband and lived on our own in military towns around the US for 5 years and as he got discharged (honorably) I had to move back my parents. My husband decided he wanted to live on his own/with his family because of our marital problems and here I am a year later still with my parents and older sister.

In this past year I got a job at USPS working my but off, lost at least 30 to 40 pounds. I work 50 hr weeks and helped my parents financially, got them out of an apartment and helped them achieve one of their biggest dreams (bought a house). I had helped them reduce there debt up til this point but know working on keeping the house and fixing it up. My parents are good people, they are just sometimes too much and a little embarrassing, both were pretty bad alcoholics and smokers but have reduced it a bit since I got back home.

I have always been a negative person, as a child my family always had a joke that would end like "she doesn't like people, shoot she doesn't like anything". It was kinda true. I had always been depressed as a child at like 6 years old I would linger in the middle of the street when I saw a big enough vehicle going fast enough but either my mom or sister pulled me or I would think of my families tears and I would move because hurting them just to end my life was not right. I would never want to make them sad but I just wish i could like sleep and dream for the rest of my life and like never have to get up or if magically I could sleep walk and work through out the day and wake up in time just to go to bed. I try to take life one a day at a time but its so hard, hard with a husband who only comes around once in a blue and makes me feel more like a female friend (not even a romantic girlfriend) than his wife, a job that is very degrading and stressful, having parents who need you emotionally and financially all the time.

My life does not sound that bad, I know its better than others but the thing is this is my life, I don't see it through other people's eye's or maybe I could shake this horrible sense of failure and disgust with myself.
I apologize about the giant ramble, sigh.
so cliff notes martial issues, depressed/unhappy with life since childhood

[Rohag]

Hello & Welcome, Notafanofme!

First, thank you for your sacrifices. Military service can be exceptionally rough on families.

It does sound as if you started suffering from depression from childhood. Your illness has a deeply rooted life of its own apart from external influences. Are you in any treatment?

Please make yourself at home.

[atomicc]

You have quite a lot going on. Have you tried talking to your husband about what's going on? Maybe try for more visits?
I think that going to see a doctor or therapist may help. I find it useful to just have someone outside of the situation who you can talk to and who is there to help you deal with the things causing you distress.