[whatever95]

I'm 19 years old and have been struggling with depression and social anxiety for as long as i can remember. I started self harming in middle school and the last time i did was only about two weeks ago. I just can't seem to shake this. I've seen about seven different therapists, and tried different medications but nothing has worked. I used to be sad, and desperate, but now i feel nothing. Just a complete sense of apathy towards everything in my life. I hate myself, I have no hobbies, skills, or interests. I have two friends who I rarely hang out with, only text. One is my best friend of twelve years, who is the epitome of perfection. We are on the same wavelength about everything except ambition. She knows what she wants out of life and she plans to get it, and knows just how to get it too. I struggle being her friend because I am the exact opposite. I have no idea what I want to do with my life (and i know that at my age that is common) but it is emphasized by the fact that i have no interests or motivation. I failed my first year of college because I just didn't care enough. I literally don't care about anything and I'm so empty. I stopped eating for a long time and just this month I've been binging and I've gained so much weight and I hate it, I hate myself. I've never had a job and I'm too uninterested/scared in getting one. I still struggle with social anxiety so I avoid social situations as best as I can.
I know that i have many more years ahead of me to change and flourish as a person. But i just don't know if im capable of that, or if its even worth sticking around. I try everyday to create ambition, to think of things that i love and make me happy, but none of that matters to me in the end because i am just incapable of feeling enough for any of that to matter. I just don't know what to do anymore. I know my parents are disappointed in the way I turned out, and since they are the main source of care and social interaction for me, I am constantly exposed to their negative feelings, which combined with my own abysmal self esteem adds to my depression. I contemplate suicide almost everyday. Life just has no meaning to me anymore.

[Steiner of Thule]

I feel pretty disgusted with my body as well. Have you tried seeking any form of help?

[whatever95]

I last saw a therapist a couple of months ago, but quit as it was no help.

[Altered Moment]

I would encourage you to stick with therapy and meds. It can take a lot of trial and error with meds to find what works. Therapy can be a long process and takes a lot of hard work. Also look into whatever other forms that you can do on your own. Meditation, CBT, exercise, ect. Of course you have to want to get better and be willing to fight for want you want. It takes a lot of help.

[waterknob1234]

I agree with Zinco. It sometimes may take a different therapist, more therapy sessions, or medication to get better. In a way, it is a battle to beat depression, but a battle worth fighting. You can't let depression win. Also, even though it is tempting to compare yourself with other people, don't. Everyone has different talents and abilities, and develops them at different times and rates. Be careful about comparing yourself to your best friend. You have your own hidden talents and abilities. You just have to find them for yourself. The reason you did not do well with college was because of this and because of depression most likely. Don't give up. I wish you the best.

You're only 19, and your brain is still changing. Have you tried going to a psychiatrist who specializes in adolescents? I went to one who normally works on people in their 40s and up (I'm 22) and he told me that the brain responds differently to medicine in different stages of life: from childhood, to adolescents. to young adult, and finally adult... You may fall into the young adult category (19-24) but don't quote me on that.
If the medication hasn't worked for you, it may be that you're brain has been changing all this time, with hormones and new development.
Besides all this, being a young adult is hard enough without depression.. many of us are in the same boat of not knowing what to do, despairing about the future. Don't compare yourself to your friend! Not everyone has it all together.

[whatever95]

Thank you everyone, it is hard to remember that I'm still growing as a person and right now is not the end all be all. But I've been trying to help myself on my own, like exercising more and eating better and making lists of good things in my life. I might look for another therapist soon, but I won't stop trying to get better even if I don't get one. Thanks again