How to tell your kids...?

Does anyone else here have small children? Mine are 8 and 4 (nearly 9 & 5). This is the first time my depression has become so overwhelming that they're starting to really see the bad parts of it...the crying, anger, frustration, quick temper. My daughter (the older one) is asking why my husband and I are fighting or why I'm crying at night (from her room, when she's already in bed...it happens less when they're up and about because I'm better at controlling it in front of them).

I feel like I need to give her some answers, but I don't know what to say. This isn't something I share with others generally, and I don't want my kids to be talking about it outside our home. I also don't want them to think there are things we don't talk about or that this is something to be either scared or ashamed of (though I obviously am). With my family history, it's very possible that this is something she will eventually deal with, and I really want her to not feel like it's such a negative thing - not sure how to accomplish that. I feel like I need to apologize for being short tempered when I am, and explain that that and the sadness happen because my brain isn't working quite right at the moment. That it will get better, and I'm working on it, but right now I'm sick and this is part of the sickness.

Anyone else have experience with this, either positive or negative? Suggestions?

My mother had several hospitalizations for depression when I was growing up and I found it all very scary and humiliating. Our family didn't talk about it much (this was the 1960-70's). I think I would felt comforted by reassurance that her illness was treatable and there was hope she would get better, that it was not my issue to 'fix', and that other family members/friends were very much there for me so that I didn't feel so alone and ashamed. I don't think a detailed explanation of 'depression' would have helped ... just some discussion that she was sick.

BTW, telling me that my mother would get better would have been true because she ultimately did find recovery and had a good life.

Thanks, Lulu. I guess at least talking about it in the open with the kids might be less scary than ignoring it and them knowing something is off but not knowing what it is. I don't want them to worry that I'm sick, but I don't want them thinking that I just run around emotionally volatile all the time, either.

I got clean and sober when my daughter was three. A year later I got divorced. My depression actually got much worse after I got clean and sober. It had a big impact on her as it robbed her of a Father lots of times. Sometimes all I could do was park her in front of the TV with videos and sleep. I felt, and still do, very much ashamed of it.

She is 21 now and is doing very well. I felt is was my responsibility to tell her everything at some point so she didn't think it was her fault. At her age now she basically knows everything about me. The hard part is what to tell and when. The age appropriate thing. The nine year old you could tell much more than the 5 year old. I believe in openness and honesty in families. When she was 9 I had her come to an AA meeting and give me my birthday chip. She didn't know much about it then but was very proud to do it. She has been to many meetings with me since. She has a high potential to be an alcoholic but isn't one but she likes to go to meetings with me. I like to give her awareness. She had many problems as a teen with depression so it was during those years that I told her most of the stuff. I think the important part is letting them know it is not their fault even though it may effect them. Also letting them know that the world is not perfect and everyone has problems. Be an example and model of how someone with problems can get help and can get better. That is the most powerful thing you can do for them because then if they suffer later in life they will know how to get help. I worry about my daughter a lot even though she is doing very well now. She has mine genes and is just like me. I do have confidence that she will confide in me and will get help if she needs it though.

Thanks a lot, Zinco...reading your experience helps decrease my anxiety about talking it over with her. With my son, I've been OK at acknowledging when I'm short-tempered and letting him know I'm sorry about it and that it's because of my mood, not because of him. With my daughter, though, I do think I need to start talking about a few more things. Even just saying that I'm having a problem with managing my emotions, and that my problem is because of a miscommunication between parts of my brain...and that I'm seeing a professional (like one of her friends does, actually - she's been to a neurotherapy appointment with another little girl a couple of times) to help me get better. I really want to impress on her that when I get overly sad or angry, that it's NOT her fault or responsibility...and that I'm really sorry it happens and am trying to make it better. Also, that she can talk to her dad if she needs to about it, and he's working to support me through this and is always willing to talk it over with her, too.

You may want to talk to a child psychologist about the best way to approach these conversations. Talking to children about a serious, on-going illness should be age appropriate so as not to scare them and to ensure they are not only able to understand, but can process what you are telling them. Do you want them to know mommy has xyz or mommy isn't feeling well? What words do you use to tell them? How far do you go in talking about your illness and treatment?

This initial conversation may just be a cursory conversation. As they become young adults and can emotionally and intellectually understand what is happening and ask clarifying questions you can go into more detail.

When I was a tween, my mother became very ill and was hospitalized for almost 5 months. We were told mom was ill and she needed to be in the hospital to help her. We weren't told how ill she was, what illness she had (blood poisoning), what to expect or if she was going to survive. We were reassured she was where she needed to be.

As we became young adults we learned more about what had happened, the seriousness of it, that she almost didn't survive and how if affects her now. But we were at a point in our lives that we were able to handle that information. Had we been given that information at the time, I know I wouldn't have been able to handle or comprehend it. I would have been scared and confused, and it would have been all consuming.

While visiting my sister and her family, my 7 year old nephew saw me taking a handful of pills one morning and asked me why? Not wanting to scare him by going into any detail, I told him I have something wrong and I need them to help me feel better. He asked if I will get better and I told him "I hope so." Then he gave me a hug and we went to the table for breakfast. (He is an exceptionally thoughtful little guy.)

i have a seven year old.

i decided that after i was shamed for it growing up and made to feel like depression wasn't 'okay' that i wasn't going to do the same things. when my oldest was younger, i simply left it as 'mommy isn't feeling well.' that was good enough.

recently though he's picking up that there's more to it than 'not feeling well', so i sat him down and i explained that i had something called 'depression'. i said it makes me tired and a bit cranky, but it also makes me feel sad for no reason whatsoever (i know that's not the most accurate, but he's 7). i stressed that it was no one's fault and that it wasn't his job to worry about it or to try to cheer me up.

i explained that i see a therapist, which he has heard me talk about, and i told him how the therapist helps me figure out how to live with depression.

most importantly, i let him ask me questions and answer them honestly, but age appropriately (he doesn't have many yet).

my 7 year old is capable of not talking about things, but since i'm open with the people in my life about it, i don't really ask him not to. for things that i ask for him to keep quiet, i explain that it's not *bad* to share things, but that certain information is "family" information and that mommy and daddy are in charge of telling people (i don't want to teach secrets the way my parents did which caused me such heartache).

and, the handful of times he's accidentally said something, i've made sure not to be angry, just to sit him down and be honest and open again about how mommy and daddy make certain decisions because we're the adults and it's okay that a mistake happened, but let's try again next time or something to that effect.

Thanks everyone for all your thoughtful replies. I pondered what was shared with me here and talked it over with my husband for several days. One night while I was snuggling my daughter before bed, she mentioned something that sort of naturally led into this discussion. I basically told her that most people go through life with ups and downs in their emotions...creating a visual wave with my hand. Then I said that my brain works a little differently and makes those waves bigger, so that sometimes I'm happier or more excited than others would be in the same situation, and sometimes I'm sadder or angrier than others would be, too. I also told her that sometimes I'm not totally sure why I'm feeling certain ways. I told her I was working with a doctor to try to figure out how to even that out a bit more for me. I also told her that sometimes when I react to her and her brother and I'm angrier than I should be, it makes me feel sad, too, because I don't want to react that way - that I really love her so much, and that my emotions are never her fault or responsibility.

She seemed to take it really well. I'm a little afraid for her future, because I can already see how extreme her emotions can get relative to the situation, and she already exhibits a lot of the same anxieties I had at her age. I am glad, though, that she talks about them to me - I was always ashamed to mention it to my parents, and so spent years of nights terrified to go to bed, stay in bed, or get out of bed. She and I, however, have worked out a few options for her nighttime anxiety, including a self-guided meditation that works most nights. I hope I can get enough tools going through this now to help equip her if she needs them in the future. First and foremost, though, I hope my fears about her future don't come to pass.

Good for you. I worry very much about my 21 year old daughter as she has my genes and I see the traits. One thing I have noticed in my family is that my parents 8 grand kids stand one hell of a better chance then the older generations had. This is because of many years of struggle and recovery and learned openness in my family. This applies to alcoholism/addiction and mental illness. My great grandfather committed suicide, my grandfather spent the last two years of his life sober, my mom went to Alanon when I was a teen, my dad my brother and I have been sober for many years, my nephew got sober at 16, my other 14 year old nephew is seeing a T and Pdoc for some anxiety (no meds). My sisters adopted son is seeing a therapist at nine because he was dumped in a Russian orphanage at birth. Attachment disorder. A huge evolution of recovery in my family.

Be a good model as you are doing. Very powerful.

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