[Rainrunner]

What a funky day.

I went into work this morning feeling like I was doing the Walk of Shame. Which was dumb. Just because I was socially inept during a business trip with my team does NOT mean they are thinking I’m weird. But any interaction I had with them today had me thinking that they were thinking that I’m weird.

For crying out loud, I feel weird even writing about it.

As the day progressed I found myself doing that numb thing again. Just like the world is doing it’s thing around me and I’m….apart. I seem to get this way when I’m anxious (i.e., team thinking I’m weird and me making it into some kind of horrid disaster).

I’ve gone through this before and my tdoc has advised many, many times that this stuff is a result from the domestic abuse situation I was in. It is how I coped - I simply shut down. It is trauma, I am healing, blah, blah, blah. But that knowledge doesn’t help sometimes.

The knowledge I have does not connect to the heart. I tend to think that if it would just DO that, that connection, I would be so much better.

I called the pdoc today to see if I could get in sooner and nothing opened up. I’m still set for 9/17 and that seems so far away.

Whatever. Carry on. Meh.

[pegasus]

Hello Rainrunner, I think for many of us, the 'shutting down' is the way we cope, don't beat yourself up over that , it is a coping strategy! Hugs