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#1
Aug 24, 2014, 08:47 PM
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I am a recovering alcholic/addict-sober now almost 2 1/2 yrs. After coming out of my 30 year fog I realized i have had severe depression/aniety all my life, just didnt get diagnosed or i dont think i could have because i self medicated for that 30 yrs...I am now 42..and i was experiencing and going thru torture since i got sober...i was suicidal at times..it has been nothing but fear, pain, lack of self worth, self abuse, thoughts of anything horrible you can think of basically..the world ending, feeling devestated, panicked, more than full of worry, just to name a few emotions and feelings. now adhd has surfaced as well...when it was at its worst not being able to be in public, with my friends or family, all the world was against me, paranoia, hallucinations, anger, reacting with out thinking, lots of crying.. must have gone thru 10 therapists, not one actually listened or took me seriously because of my addicted past...i made some pretty bad decisions over my life, and even a few more once i got sober...feeling like i dont belong anywhere...and god forbid i talk to my family...i try telling them how i feel and they say nothing because i dont think they want to believe anything i am going thru is real...sometimes i think numbing my self with alcohol and drugs again would be easier than dealing with this. but that is definately not the answer...i actually exhaust myself everyday, especially with the racing constant thoughts that never stop..ever!
i am still far away from being given an actually diagnosis, and right now i have found a wonderful therapist, a life saving med dr, and have started having relief each day with a combination of effexor, adderal, ativan, and trazadone. I didnt sleep for about 20 of those 30 years i was using...but whats next??? im actually happy for the most part, got back to work after 6 years of being on disabilty, have a good job at a good company, going to be starting a part time job, have a wonderful man, i just cant believe it, its really a miracle. but...i have my days where i still am waiting for something bad to happen, or when the world is gonna end..something is bound to happen things dont go right for me....one major incident and that will be it...i will snap... anyone else experienced anything like what im describing? i feel like the only one out there sometimes that has lived similar to me? one of the main issues, with other people not me, are the meds i am on. i was addicted to opiates and benzos as well as alcohol. they are working for me...and if something that helps me not want to die everyday i am going to use them. looking for any feed back positive or negative.... 
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 Fuzzybear
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#2
Aug 25, 2014, 11:37 AM
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Hello & Welcome, Josieposie.
Quote:
 It sounds you are in a good place at present. I agree, though, you will have to remain on guard for occasional depressive irruptions. Do you feel prepared for those more difficult times? Please make yourself at home.
__________________
My dog  mastered the "fetch" command. He would communicate he wanted something, and I would fetch it.
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#3
Aug 25, 2014, 01:01 PM
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My story is very similar. I was diagnosed with depression 6 months to a year before I got sober. They were willing to treat me but on the condition I get clean and sober. Otherwise the pdoc was gonna cut me loose. I think the Effexor helped me to get clean and sober but that is just my intuition. I didn't get sober because of the pdoc. Really my bottom was getting fired from a job I had held for 11 years and did very well at. I got another really good job right away but go fired from it because of my using. That was it for me and I went to a 30 day treatment center. I have been clean and sober since. 19 years. In recent years I did experiment with pot a little to see if it would work on anxiety and depression but i found it didn't help. Some would consider that a relapse but I don't care.
The thing is like you my depression got much worse after I got sober because I was no longer self medicating. That had actually worked for a long time. I know, like you, there is no going back to that as it quit working and made things much much worse. I take benzo's (klonopin) but I am very careful to take as prescribed and no more, or less than prescribed. I used AA to stay sober and it has helped me a great deal. Probably saved my life. Many people in AA also suffer from mental illness. But there are some A holes that think you are not sober if you take psyche meds. Ignorant. Anyway I applied the twelve steps and the program to my depression many times and it just did not work the same way it did in keeping me sober. I have had to get plenty of professional help. And try to apply whatever I think might help. Meditation, CBT, spiritual and personal growth, dealing with the past and so on. I have found great support in AA and Alanon but it is not the answer to my depression. So having 2 1/2 years is a major accomplishment. Good for you. Recovery from addiction and mental illness is a life time thing. It takes constant and vigilant work. Sounds like you are having some good success. With meds and therapy and getting back to work. That is huge. Find people who understand mental illness and addiction recovery and not the a holes who are ignorant. There are many in the recovery community but often they are quiet about it. The best group I was ever in was a dual diagnosis group. Many of us here are dual diagnosis. I still suffer from anxiety depression and its affects on my life. After a year of trying other things my pdoc finally did agree to give me klonopin. Nothing else worked and I was in serious danger of offing myself if I had to put up with the anxiety and paranoia that went with it. It was horrible. Anyway keep trudging down "the road less traveled". You have made amazing progress and it takes time and patience.
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The "paradox" is only a conflict between reality and your feeling of what reality "ought to be." -- Richard Feynman Major Depressive Disorder Anxiety Disorder with some paranoid delusions thrown in for fun. Recovering Alcoholic and Addict Possibly on low end of bi polar spectrum...trying to decide. Male, 50 Fetzima 80mg Lamictal 100mg Remeron 30mg for sleep Klonopin .5mg twice a day, cutting this back |
 josieposie
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#4
Aug 25, 2014, 01:57 PM
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   Quote:
__________________
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| josieposie
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This is an old thread. You probably should not post your reply to it, as the original poster is unlikely to see it.|
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