[BellFlower]

Hi everyone...
I am new to this forum and mainly signed up for it because of one specific problem that I can not handle on my own, it seems.

First, some background.
I'm 22 years old and am blind.
I live with my family who are very nice people, but are growing frustrated with me.

When I graduated high school, I had really big dreams.
I was always very motivated. I struggled with depression but found support through family, friends, and counseling and was on some very effective medication.
I graduated cum lade and immediately jumped into college.
I finished a semester and did wonderfully, as I was very motivated and driven to do my best.

The next semester, my doctor informed me that I needed to have surgery to repair a retinal detachment.
Long story short, one surgery turned into three painful eye surgeries in the span of a month.
I tried to go to school during/after these surgeries but I was in so much pain that I couldn't hold my head up straight.
I had to drop my courses and started my recovery process.

I decided after I was better, to move in with my then girlfriend. This relationship did not work. She was physically and emotionally abusive.
I refrained from going to school so that I could submit my life to being there to cook and clean for her. I was absolutely miserable during this time period, as I was starting not recognize myself.
After a year of that, I finally got the courage to leave her and moved back in with my family.
I had nothing at this point besides family. No friends, no money, no furniture. She had even talked me into giving away most of my clothes and my dog whom I loved with all my heart...

Fast forward a couple years, and I am still here.
I pay my family rent, but besides that have not been able to get into school since I dropped my courses.
I've looked for jobs but am so terrified to take any because I'm scared of failing... or not being able to take it on because of my disability.

I'm in this vicious cycle of wanting so badly to go back to being motivated and happy, but i'm so stuck in this mentality that if I try to do anything, I'll fail or have to be taken out of it because of medical issues...

I know how stupid this sounds. Trust me, I beat myself up for it everyday.
I wake up depressed, go through my day feeling depressed, and go to sleep and do it all over again the next day.
I've gained so much weight over these passed couple years to substitute how incredibly empty I feel... but in turn have been hating myself for letting my appearance get this far out of hand.

Please, someone help me...
I don't think I can continue to waste my life like this. I feel like a useless human being and I never thought in a million years that this would be my life at 22...

Thanks in advance for your answers and support...

[Clara22]

Hi Bellflower,
Welcome! Hope you find a home here. This place has been very useful to me. I have a disability, as well, although you are much younger than me. I am sorry you have gone through all the ordeals with your girlfriend. I am not sure I can offer any valuable point of view about that. Please, do not feel you have wasted your life. Acquiring a disability takes a lot of time for adjustment. It is like being born for a second time. Employment for people with disabilities is not abundant but there are programs. Also, there are benefits you may want to explore. There are independent living centers and disability navigator programs to understand benefits including financial aid. Also, there are blind associations. Ok, hipe you can take some advantage of these programs. Warm regards