Ramble on...

I've been going through with this determination on staying as far away from my family as possible and I had to make some compromises but it's working out pretty well.
I don't see them face to face but allow myself to talk with them over the phone-unless they really upset me on the phone-then I cut the phone tie also.
Initially, it was really hard for me to do this. I felt isolated without having seen my families faces-you know, people whom I REALLY know. So, that was kinda scary.
But now, I'm doing pretty good. I feel guilt about Mom though because she's old and she's got a lot of health problems but I do talk to her on the phone a lot-well, almost once a week.
The strange thing is I really feel like I could live the rest of my life with never seeing them again.
I'm really confused about my Mom though. It's not easy disowning your old and sick Mother. It feels mean and cruel but I have to for my own sanity.
I asked my Mom on the phone.."Mom, why did you hate me so much when I was a teenager?"
And to that she replied "I was going through a lot then, I just got remarried, we moved, I had an operation..."
And I couldn't believe she sat there and complained to me about how hard her life was and she needed to take it out on me...she did'nt explain why me but I changed the subject 'cause I knew if I got into it-I'd start yelling and screaming and hanging up on her. She's old, she's had a heart operation, she's sick in other ways too, so I just didn't fight with her about it but it REALLY made me mad.

I can't bring myself to totally cut her off. She my MOM!
I don't like her but I do love her and it's confusing me. I'm trying to forgive her and my family. I'm working on it really hard and trying to understand but even when I do forgive her-I still don't think I'll want to see her. Her 70th birthday is coming up and she's having this family shingding-she wants all the kids to be there-I DON'T WANT TO BE THERE!!!!!!! I'm not going.

And also, she's going to take a bus to Philly, in March, to see the flower show with her FAVORITE daughter-whom she's even now closer to because since favorite daughter's accident, they have so much MORE in common since they both move slowly and are physically ailling. Yippeeee!!! Break out the party crew-they've gotten even closer!!! Favorite daughter is meaner than ever too-oh my Lord! I returned a phonecall to her because I felt bad that she was in an accident and she almost died and everything-you know how that goes..
Anyway, she gets on the phone and bad mouths every body under the sun in a more mean spirited way than what she use to before the accident. I mean she really ripped into EVERYBODY and it was very nasty. I understand she's bitter about the accident but why are you taking it out on people who are doing chores for you, running errands,cleaning your house, cooking you meals and being kind to you? And they weren't the only ones she skinned. I cannot talk to her anymore. I cannot for the life of me figure out why the hell SHE'S gotta be Mom's favorite daughter. I dont' have to be the favorite but couldn't she have picked someone who's a little kinder and loving? You know, a GOOD person. Is she really that guilable?
Anyway, I got sidetracked-Mom's coming to Philly to see the flower show with favorite daughter. I live in Philly-I'm supposed to go meet them. NOOOOOOOOOOO, I'm not! I said yes but I meant NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! I feel obligated to go but I don't want to see her with her favorite daughter...NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Okay, I'm going to read my forgiveness book since I'm starting to grind my teeth. I'm still not going to either event but I don't have to be angry with my mother and feel this upset about her.

jax, i'm so sorry that your family puts you through this hell. it's a lot more common than you think it is........my mom and i were fine until i grew old enough to have an opinion and started thinking for myself. and then i figured out some things that had happened to me when i was 5-7 and our relationship really wasn't much after that. i went to a Pdoc and it took him 5 years to help me figure out that what she did to me wasn't my fault and that i had to detach from her.

detaching was really hard but my life improved immeasurably when i did. i stayed away until i was 56. sometimes you have to do what you have to do to stay alive and sane. any time you want to talk to me, send me a PM.......i've got BIG ears and can listen to you and send cyber hugs.....

i know how hard this is........i only have contact with one member of my immediate family now.......i miss my parents but i don't miss the craziness of my middle years..........

i'm here.........love, pat

((((((((((((((( Jax ))))))))))))))))

I can't tell you how much I relate to a lot of this.....

Love,
Fuzzy

JAX....

MUM BETRAYED ME BADLY. DAD WAS THERE FOR A LITTLE WHILE TIL HE MET AND MARRIED MY STEPMUM. NOW HE LOVES HER CHILDREN AND THEIR
GRANDCHILDRENMORE THAN ME AND MINE. BETRAYAL AGAIN. IFEEL FOR YOU, WE ARE SIMILAR. I PICTURE THINGS WHEN I'M READING, DURING YOUR POST, I WAS SEEING A GARDEN GROWING, WHEN THE POST CAME TO AN END, THERE WAS ONE TALL STRONG FLOWER LEFT, THE OTHER TWO HAD FADED INTO THE BACKGROUND.

i THINK THE TALL STRONGFLOWER SHOULD ENJOY THE INDEPENDANCENOW AND FIND AS MUCH SUNLIGHT AS SHE CAN. let the othr two live in the shade of her, only giving them the light on her terms.

hope you can figure out my ramblings,and if you need to talk about parents issues, i'm your woman lol.

take care and stay strong....xxxxxx

love jinnyannxxxxxx

I'm glad you were able to ask your mom such questions, but sad that you weren't able to work through her responses yet. I'm sorry for your unhappy life. (((hugs)))

Can you give your mother a little more of a benefit of the doubt that she was doing the best she could with what was happening then? No, it doesn't release her from doing what would have been best for you, too. I also wouldn't hold it too much against her for going on about her hard life, as you did ask for an explanation. Maybe she needed also to share all that with you.

I'm sorry her words made you so angry. That isn't good for you, and I hope you can work through these harmful feelings. I do understand somewhat I think, about what's caused the anger, but I don't know the whole story. (And that's ok, I don't need to hear specifics )

You can't change the past. None of us can. You can change the present. Anger should be dispensed with as soon as possible, so it doesn't also ruin your future.

TC.

((((((((((((Jax))))))))))))) You pretty much just described my relationship with my family!! I applaud you for doing what I haven't been able to. That's some pretty serious self-care. Pat yourself on the back for doing so well with it.

Anger can be justified and sometimes it takes a long time to work through. Take your time. I actually finally forgave my mom, but it took me decades, literally. I just looked at my oldest sister who had a lot less to be angry about toward her and decided I didn't want to be old and that bitter. But again, it took me nearly a decade of therapy and years and years of life experience to get there.

(((((((((((((Jax))))))))))) I'm proud of you, hon.



Love, Candy

Jax, my stepmother was similar to how you describe your mother, I totally understood the why-when-I-was-a-teen thing, my stepmother did the same sorts of stuff because she was going through menopause (her excuse)!

I started weighing the pros and cons; the first time I did was when I got married. I was 39 and was thinking of keeping my name, not changing it to my husband's? I mentioned this to my mother and she freaked and I weighed it; she was 74 and would be around 10-15 more years (she died in 2001, 12 years :-) and I decided I didn't care enough either way about the name thing whereas I didn't want her complaining the next however many years, so I changed my name :-) I learned to judge what was and was not important to me in the long run and what sort of woman I wanted to be in 15-20 years when my mother wasn't around anymore.

I think we get better at what we practice and practicing staying away from people doesn't just go away when the people are no longer there? I would stay away from your family when you have something going on but I would join them when they have something going on. You only don't want them to wreck your life but why wreck theirs in return? Your mother wants you around on her birthday? I would show up. I would be pleasant but not say much and leave early for "another engagement." :-) Your mother/family isn't going to understand anything you do. But you still need to do things that help you grow as a person, to become a "better" person however you define it. Staying away from your mother and the confusion and pain it causes you -- is that worth. . . what? What do you gain by that? Neither you nor your mother gains anything?

Hi,
You gave me a lot to think about. Thank you for your responses and the time and thought you put into them. I like hearing everyone's different takes on it.
It was easy to take the ones who agreed and congratulated me on my growth- thank you. I'm sad you understand so well 'cause that means you've been through it too but I'm glad you understand what I'm going through 'cause I don't feel alone- you let me know I'm not the only one.

As for the responses that challanged me. I got a little tense when I read some of your posts (not tense towards you) but that was only because you posted exactly what my conscience keeps nagging me about. Your posts represent my internal struggle. I understand all too well what you wrote and why. I appreciate your suggestions and comments but there's so much more I'm not explaining because it goes pretty deep.
No, I really don't have an unhappy life-I have an unhappy family relationship-other parts of my life are very happy, as long as I don't let the unhappy family relations spoil that for me-which is why I have to get away from them.
I have to stop giving them excuses-there's no more excuses. She's 70 years old, she knows the difference between right and wrong. It's not just in the past, it's still here in the present and it promises to still be here in the future and I'm not having it anymore.
I'm afraid she's going to die. I don't want to live with that guilt but I don't want to live with people who make me feel so ashamed of myself and so unimportant that I think I must be the most horrible person in the world and nobody could ever possibly love me because I am sooo not worthy of being love-how DARE I ask for support, understanding and caring?
NO-I do not accept that anymore. I do not want that in my life drowning me anymore. I'm moving away from the furnace-I may think it makes me warm but in reality all it does is scald and burn me. There are other ways to get warmth-I shouldn't have to be burnt and scalded for it. No-I'm through with that.
Deep breath.
I'm letting them go but I'm going to forgive them and take control back over my emotions. They will not make me lose my self control and make me surrender my dignity for the sake of trying to be heard and understood. They can't hear me and if they do then they DON'T CARE!!!! That's okay though-life never promised to be fair. It would be nice if it were different but it's not. They have their own reasons-they have their own insecurities and hang ups. It's not against me personally-it's about them. It's all them. And that's okay because I'm all me and I got my own insecurities and hang ups. But our insecurities don't mesh well together on my end. It ends up hurting me too badly.
I'm okay. I can do this. I'm letting go a little more.

Mom, I'm not going to the flower show, I'm not going to your birthday party. I love you as my Mother and I'd love nothing more than to have a happy relationship with you but our personalities don't mesh right and I'm happiest when I keep the family at a distance from me. Thank you for the invite but I'll be passing on them both. I'll be thinking of you and I'll miss you. Have a wonderful time at the flower show and a very happy birthday. Kisses, love Jackie.

Okay, it's done. Relief!