serioulsy losing all hope

I really hoped to get over that. but actually it pretty much caused me to relapse. I know it's easy to blame people and maybe it would have happened without them anyway. had some good days more often recently.
but the last couple of days were quite unpleasant. I tried to forget about the rude friend and I did. there is another person that is causing me stress. I feel really useless and speechless. there were a few things I had started working on that suddenly seem a complete waste of time. I am tired. I don't see there is any point in anything.
I am afraid of people. I am afraid they will hurt me. and they do if they can. I don't know how I can protect myself without isolating. I think it is impossible. I want to take a risk but right now I feel like I am literally physically not able to do that. it knocks me out each time so bad. I find it funny how social problems control my physical condition. it's pathetic. but true. I just feel sick. I have trouble to get up and move. I don't want to. I don't want to go to the bathroom or get food from the fridge. I think it is useless to do anything. like it is useless to anyone spend time with a person like me.

The mind-body connection thing. Yeah, I'm there too! My phone is about dead. I'll try to come back to this.

(((((Flours))))).....it ain't useless.

Hi Flours,
Ignorance about our condition makes regular people to do wrong things. I can see we can be exasperating, on the other hand. Perhaps it is time for you to try a new T or perhaps look for a new diagnosis and treatment. This is your pain and now it is very intense. It seems impossible but it may be a solution.

I am not sure if I have trouble with other people's ignorance to depression. I rather cannot deal with some behavior or situations generally. I talked to my therapist about that and that I wanted more progress. and talking to her I got the impression it is possible. also while I have been writing here I have thought a lot about what is wrong or what I am doing and thinking wrong. so in the last meeting we found something for me to practice. like I should be more assertive and ask for what I want and tell myself that I deserve it and other people do not come first. and I should not avoid situations when I might face some difficulties with that but get used to endure confrontation of any kind. so eventually I should be able to deal with it if someone insults my appearance or there is a strong competitor and I will not run away from that anymore. I guess that has been my strategy mostly, running and hiding.
and although all of this sounds very optimistic and I really want to try and I will I just don't know how I can eventually cope with these confrontations. I know I shouldn't be hurt by small incidents like these but I am and I have no clue yet how that will ever change and what I will do if I can't even run away.

Why do you feel so badly of yourself? You sound rly harsh, mean towards yourself in the way you think and talk about yourself and comparing with others. Have you been through bullying, abuse ?

yes, I got bullied at school. it is long ago but I learned then that I am not a normal person and I have no right to exist and I need to avoid others. rationally I know this is not true but it is a feeling that I am trying hard to get rid of.

woke up feeling really miserable. dizzy. don't know what to do although I have things to do I feel I am not able to right now. first got to compose myself but know it's not going to happen. I have so many beautiful things in my life I cannot appreciate. that makes me sad. I meet all the preconditions to have a good life like other people but I just can't do it. I am trapped. it is as if I only don't press the right button to open the door and instead try the wrong one over and over again. please somebody show me the way out.

You can learn to change your view of yourself, develop more self worth, value and have a healthier, more harmonious relationship with yourself and that can help others be more positive with you as well.

We do not have all the preconditions if we have mental health issues, IMO

We CAN learn to think more positively/find alternative more helpful constructive ways of thinking about ourselves and others and adopt healthier, different behaviours that serve us well in spite of having mental health issues.

but if I count that it means I'll never get out of this. I need a perspective. otherwise there is no reason to get better anyway. If I take it as a reason not to participate in life I will never.

What I wanted to say is that not all the factors are OK, something is going on and we need to address it. But maybe I had not understood your previous message

been doing surprisingly well today. sometimes I experience moments when suddenly a thought enters my mind and I feel like I am falling down an abyss but mostly I managed to brush it aside. it's strange, like I get scared to death for a second and then I realize that actually nothing is wrong. it's not anxiety though but rather hopelessness or something like that. hard to describe. does anybody know that?