[A18793715]

So much has happened in the last 6 months that it's too much. I feel like I'm literally going to break into a million pieces at any moment. But how long do I have? A day? A week? In Feb, I had weight loss surgery and I was depressed right after because of trying to adapt to a completely new life style. In May, my now ex of 5 and a half years and I started having problems. In June, we broke up and he moved out of state and I moved back home after not living at home since I was 17. I'm almost 23 now. I've lived with him since the day I turned 17. Within days of each other, one of my best friends who I talked to about everything and she was always there to help me and I helped her when she needed me. I was really relying on her and out of no where, she told me she didn't want to have the same kind of friendship we have and that she couldn't deal with my problems anymore and told me if I wanted to still talk, we could talk about normal things but I was completely hurt because suddenly, I was completely alone. The main two people who supported me vanished before my eyes and there was nothing I could do. I only have two other friends but I don't talk to them or have trust in being able to open up to them on that level. On top of that, I had to move back home. Which is extremely, extremely stressful. There's not enough room. It's a 3 bedroom house. My mom and dad sleep in separate rooms. So there's one room that I share with my sister and her friend that lives here. My sister has two kids who are toddlers and her friend has a baby. So there's 8 people at a given time finding where to sleep every night. I have ssi, but there's no apartments or anything around here that I can afford. Not even studios. And I can't move out of this city because my doctor. On top of that at the time, a close friend of mine, he found out some things that happened sexually between his ex that he's been trying to get back for 2 years and I've been supporting him the entire time, but his ex is my best friend Jenn. So he had every right to be upset, but he went way overboard. He wouldn't stop texting me, calling me, showing up at my house uninvited and unannounced. It was a huge stress on top of everything else going on within days of each other. I thought that was the most stressed I could possibly be and I was wrong. Each day, something else adds to the pile. Every tiny little things feels so huge and I almost can't deal with anything without getting this feeling inside me that feels like I'm about to break. Even something tiny as my nephew asking me to open something for me. Just the fact that he opened my door and came in here when I wanted to be alone just added to the weight. There's no reason at all for that to make me stressed, but it did. And that's just an example and just I can't even think really. I honestly don't even know if you guys can follow with me on this message. I have paranoid schizophrenia, major depression, panic disorder and PTSD. Plus random dissociative episodes. The thing that has set it to what I feel like is the max is what's happened over the weekend. I thought I couldn't possibly get any more stressed. I started dating a new guy and my sister hated him from the start. My sister, she needs see a doctor because I know something is wrong. She's so mean to everyone and has horrible anger and rage issues plus she acts like she's really "hard", so it makes everything even worse. A few days ago, my new boyfriend posted something on fb about her, his opinion of how she needs to be a better mom and about how rude she is and stuff. And she got pissed off at that and the next day, I had spent the night over at his house and he went to take me home and the entire side of his car was spray painted. We figured it was my sister but then confirmed it when I called my mom and told her and she told me that my niece and nephews dad had called and said he filed a police report against my sister because she went over there on the same night and stabbed his tires and his neighbors saw her and her friends and told him who did it. So we know it was her. I avoid confrontation at all cost because it makes me panic. Even when someone gets slightly mad, I start to freak out. So of course my new boyfriend was really pissed off that she spray painted half of his car. The night before, he was telling me how he was annoyed at me because I complain about things but I won't stand up or do something about it because I avoid confrontation at all cost. So I know he was annoyed at that as well. So by then, my anxiety was through the roof and after he took me home I texted him a text explaing to him about the confrontation issue and that I don't mean to make him annoyed. It was really hard for me to do but I finally sent a text explain everything to him and he says he never got a text from me about anything about problems and continued to complain about my sister. Now my sister is mad at me because she and my mom is saying that everything is my fault because my boyfriend posted the message that made my sister get mad and do what she did. I just can't even handle that. I'm scared of my sister and it's pathetic. Because she's so mean and always threatening people. It was really hard to sleep last night because my paranoia was really bad and my voices kept going on and on about how if I went to sleep, that she was going to kill me in my sleep. So now I'm terrified of her and myself and I just don't think I can take one more thing.

tl;dr?
Boyfriend of almost 6 years broke up with me, moved out of state. Best friend dumped me. Cut off completely from emotional support. 3 major stress situations happened within days of each other and it's been months of extremely stressed out and now another huge stresser happened. I'm trying to date someone new, but he gets irritated at me talking because it's something that is easily fixed in his mind. He can simply tell people to stop talking to them. I think someone will try to kill me if I say that to someone. He doesn't understand and it's making everything more stresssful so I sent him a text message trying to explain it to him and he says he never got a text even though I told him I was going to send him one. I'm scared anywhere I am and I feel like the next tiny thing, something bad will happen. My self harm urges are already really bad but I've been able to resist but I'm starting to get impulse urges when I see something. My hallucinations are horrible. I'm not on any meds except for anxiety and sleep. No antipsychotic does anything to help, so my doctor agreed with me to not take anything and just wait for a new med to come out. My paranoia is really horrible because I'm terrified my sister will come in her and beat me up badly or try to kill me on top of always being paranoid that there's somewhere in close proximity to me waiting to kill me if I let my guard down. I've never felt this close to completely giving up before and I've had failed attempts in the past. I really don't know what to do but I feel like one more tiny thing and something really bad is going to happen and I'm terrified and don't know what to do. I feel like I'm falling faster than anyone can possibly save me before I hit the ground.

[kaliope]

sounds like you are tied up in a lot of drama. could advertising for a room mate possibly get you out of the house? that would solve a lot of the problems. you contributed to your stress by getting a new boyfriend, especially one who adds to the drama by creating conflict. why on earth would he post such things on facebook? it is better to be stable in ones own life before getting into a relationship. where can you go to find supports? do you have a therapist? if not, maybe now is the time to get one to gain some coping skills to help you manage your life. if you have one, maybe increase your sessions for the time being. maybe get into a group. get involved in some stressfree activiites that will take you out of the house. take a risk and talk to those other friends.