[lovesdogs99]

I am not sure how many of you remember me, but I was on a lot about two months ago. My biggest problem was basically this:

A 20 year old man used me for my body, taking my virginity, lying to me, and completely and utterly screwing me up. He didn't just "break my heart." He broke my mind. My thoughts spiraled out of control, I developed many fears and fell into an incredibly suicidal place. I have a cognitive distortion now. I was terrified of everything. People. The world. It was hard to live.

I got back into school about a month ago. I had gone from being inside my room for three months, never leaving, to school. It was honestly so nice, though. School has become my escape, my safe place. I have very very high grades that I'm proud of. School work keeps me always having something to do, something to work towards. It's really nice. My problems aren't gone, but this distraction definitely helps mask over it.

Back in the summer, I had had many fears about falling in love or being attracted to every human I saw. I was also scared of physical intimacy. Another big one was never falling in love again, never being normal.
Being in school really has distracted me from that, up until recently.

A boy, a disrespectful pothead boy, has a crush on me. Don't get me wrong, he's not a bad person. But he's a rebel, and has no respect for authority. He's really nice to other kids our age and everything, he's funny and cool.
He's the only boy who likes me in our school. I have first period with him. We haven't even gotten to talk yet, I just know he likes me. I don't know, it made me feel special and gave me butterflies that someone noticed me.

That was like last week.

Anyway, this week, I met an online friend. He's also 20, and was actually in the same class as the boy who used me. He lives in Oregon and only comes back to my state every couple of months. Let's call him M. I don't want to date him, I don't "like" him like that, but I definitely think he's really cute. He used to even refer to himself as my "uncle" but that was like a year and a half ago. We've been online friends for two years and finally got to meet! I was nervous but excited. He's only a few inches taller than me. Honestly, he's very handsome. He's not that old looking, but he's got clean cut hair (it used to be really flippy) Walking around with him was really nice, we click and it's easy to talk. We walked around in my town a little and he also caught up with some of his other friends. M asked what I wanted to do, and I said anything! So we got in his car and drove to his old house, only like 500 feet down the road from where we were though. He felt so insanely nostalgic. The house and the property are both for sale. We walked around in the woods, and we went to this abandoned house. He showed me the different writing on the walls that he wrote with his friends, and the different rooms they used to play "Fight Club" in. It was all really cool and I liked hearing him reminisce. He really missed his past. I told him that I really don't have memories, and he jokingly said "Wanna make some?" After we left the abandoned house, we walked back to his old house. The only piece of furniture is a couch in the living room. So we sat there, listening to music. We have the same music taste exactly. He's a singer in a band, besides being in the navy! So we even listened to songs from his band and sang them together because I love his band. It was just so nice! I rarely get to see my friends, so it was nice just to chill out.

I asked him if I looked different from my pictures and in real life. He said I was very pretty. I jokingly told him he looked better on Skype (we Skype sometimes) and pretended to cry. :b Soon after, we were listening to New Found Glory. He just stared at me so intently and before I knew it, he was kissing me. Really kissing me. And it was nice. It wasn't like "falling in love" or anything. It wasn't even like kissing a boy I have a crush on. It was just nice. It felt fine. Nothing amazing, no crazy magical fireworks. Just kissing. Now, we were making out in front of this giant window so I said we should go somewhere else. So we walked to his room, which is empty, no furniture. I think the fact that I said that made him think I wanted to have sex with him, cause he said "Are you sure???" and he went to take our pants off and I was like "Noooo, M!" and i laughed and kissed him and he said "Oh, then what do you wanna do?" and I just kissed him again. He took my shirt off and touched me down there, but only over my underwear, I asked him not to touch me under it and he completely respected that. I touched him a little to. In the middle of kissing me he pulled back and asked me if i wanted to "be a thing." I didn't know how to respond so I just said "are you serious?? I don't know!" And we kissed again. I told him we needed to go and we stopped kissing and put our clothes on. He said "Well... that was unexpected..." This was only for a few minutes before he drove me back to the road where my dad could pick me up. In the car before I got it, he said he definitely wants to see me again, he only has a few days up here. I said I wasn't sure if I could, and he said "we'll work something out." So I kissed him on the lips and walked back to the street.

I was like "Oh wow, I just did that with M?!??" and it was kind of a funny thing. I couldn't beleive that. He'd called me cute before, and we were joking around one time and he said "hypothetically" he'd sleep with me. But I truly did not see that coming!

I said NO to sex, and he completed respected my boundaries. I really did want him, and I felt safe and comfortable around him. Like I said, I don't have a crush on him, so I wasn't like beaming or anything, but I felt nice.

When I woke up the next morning, I started feeling bad though. Not too bad, but not so good. I started thinking more about it. My mind started getting scared. And it pissed me off. I had a good time with a good friend. We didn't have sex. So why am I beating myself up over it? It was fun, nice, safe, and he completely respected me. He might be older yeah, but it's not gonna move past what it was! Kissing isn't illegal, and if I see him again, I know that I can easily only let it be kissing and slight touching.

Maybe.. though... I jumped in too far, I thought.

The last time I made out was in April. Exactly 5 months before, I had lost my virginity, and my mind had been broken. I had strayed so far from all contact with other people, shivering at the very touch of even my mom.

And now I had completely and utterly let a boy in. Yes, M and I have been friends for a while, he's got a good head on his shoulders, he's smart and a good human being...

The guy who used me? He was a pothead, with NO job, no life, no cares! M has a job, life, many friends, he believes in God, and he has a bright future. He's a caring friends. The guy who used me DID NOT care about me.

M and I both knew we were just doing that as friends. We don't like eachother, I guess we're just attracted to eachother.

My best friend L tells me that I definitely stepped out of my comfort zone and freaked myself out. So now I'm depressed. Once again. It's a weight on my shoulders and a sinking in my stomach. It's pissing me off, too. Because I didn't feel bad about what M and I did at all. It was fine. I was actually so happy because I had gotten over my fear of physical intimacy! Being intimate with him actually made me realize that just because you kiss someone, doesn't mean you're going to be "forced to fall in love with them." Being with M also made me realize I don't want to date that dumb pothead disrespectful boy what has a crush on me. Being with M opened my eyes a bit, honestly.

But now I'm DEPRESSED. I am about to get my period, but still. I don't want to feel like this right now. I want to be happy that I got over my fear of being close with someone. But maybe I let my hormones push me into it to fast?

I am gonna ask M if he wants to hang out again on Tuesday, to talk things over and stuff. I feel like he only asked me to "be a thing" in the heat of the moment, cause he really liked my body or something. I'm not offended by that, him asking actually totally caught me off guard. It was so weird. Like, did he really expect me to say yes? I'm quite sure he doesn't view me in the way that he thinks he could fall in love with me. I'm pretty sure he knew it was friendly!

I feel like seeing him again on Tuesday will put my mind at ease. Right now, I have this terribly strange and wild memory of him. I hardly remember what he looks like in person and I can't believe him and I even did that! I feel like seeing him might ease my mind and replace my memory of him so it's not just us making out...

And i don't know why I'm so depressed over just making out.

I'm not depressed because we're not dating, I don't really care!

I'm not depressed because he lives so far away, again I don't care.

I'm not even depressed that I got close with someone, it made me feel better.

So why do I feel so bad????

Again, L, my best friend, said my mind probably associated what M and I did, with what the boy who used me did.

Cause when I met... X, the guy who statutorily raped me, things moved incredibly fast and before I knew it he was putting himself inside me and I couldn't say no.

Obviously, M has a ton of respect for me. But before I knew it, we did kiss. And he did say I was hot while kissing me, and X did something similar.

But M treated me like a human, and X treated me like an object.

There are a lot of differences....

my fear is that maybe... i just can't handle being intimate without being depressed, guilty, and feeling bad about it, or maybe even becoming attached.

If i get to see M again, I'll get to know if I'm actually attached to him all of a sudden, or if my mind is just screwing with me.

Thank you for reading all of this....

I need some advice..

I have therapy on thursday, and I'm planning on telling my therapist about this!

But instead of telling her that M is 20, I'll say 17. I mean, he was 17 when I was 13. And my older sister was 18 when I was 13. So, the age difference is something I've grown up with because my sister has always been older than me like that.

But anyway, if I tell her that he's around the same age as X (X is 21 now, though) she probably won't believe me if I tell her that we didn't have sex, and that he's got a lot of respect for me. She'll think I'm a dumb teenager who fell into another trap.

SO, I'll tell her he's 17, because I would feel this same feeling even if he was 17! I would feel this feeling about any guy friend I didn't want to date, but got intimate with. It just so happens to be M..

My friends L, also said maybe I'm feeling "depersonalized." I don't know.


GIVE ME ADVICE....

THANKS.

[Abe Froman]

Biggest advice, be truthful with your T. They need to know the facts in order to best help you.

I don't know. Maybe making out with him is outside of your comfort zone. It's cool that he respected boundaries that you set. But it sounds a little like you aren't ready for that stuff, or especially aren't ready for it with a guy that much older. 4 years, or whatever, isn't that big a difference when you get a certain age, but it is a big difference for you. He's in a different stage of life. As far as being a thing. He's only around a few days right? Then what? Skype. I think you can still skype with him and all that and not be a thing, still be friends.

[VMblue]

I agree with Abe.
I also think that the depression comes from the fact that you were intimate with him, even if it was just kissing. Your subconscious is scared he may be like the first guy that only used you. I would suggest taking things slow. Give your mind time to heal and get to know him better.

[lovesdogs99]

Thanks for the feedback.

But, really, it's not a matter of getting to know him and etc. I do know him, I've known him for two years. Just not in person. The problem is, I'll only see him one more time, and then.. who knows when. The next time I see him will probably be late 2015 honestly. I know we can't have a real relationship. I just feel awful and guilty about being intimate with someone that I know I can't date, and etc. And for taking things too fast, once again. But guys aren't about being slow. I have to step in and be slow but I don't even know how anymore. I'm just confused and it's just wild that I even did that. It's so not me. But it happened and I can't take it back, obviously. It just... it helped me, but also made me remember all of my fears revolving relationships.

Do you guys think my therapist could help me with this?