[Abe Froman]

My 2 brothers and I apparently grew up with a BPD mother and didn't know it until recently. I guess we've all dealt with it in our own ways.

Last night my mother calls me and tells me that my older brother is in a dark place. She lives about 20 minutes from him. She told me things like him staying in bed all day on his off day or not showing up or calling when he is supposed to meet her. I asked bluntly if she thought he might hurt himself and she said yes. He is apparently off his antidepressants and has never seen a clinical psychologist or other counselor other than being prescribed meds by someone for many years.

I've already laid all my problems on our younger brother. He and his wife were happy to help me. But I don't feel they should bare the burden of two of us really.

One complications is that I don't know if my mom's perception of the situation is skewed. Sometimes she interprets things to the extreme(like when she thought her vet told her the dog was dying and she was all upset, when I talked to the vet he said "no, the dog just needed a new kind of medication")

Of course I want to help my older brother get help if he needs it. The advice I have given friends in the past was that they needed to take care of themselves in order to be in a position to take care of family. But here's the fact, I'm the toughest of us all. I've taken the beatings life has thrown at me and I keep going. So I can certainly handle going and taking care of my brother. But a way that I would react to that would be to clam up inside. I don't know that I'm making a lot of progress in therapy yet, but I feel like if I concentrate on helping my brother that I'll just go into tough guy mode and bury everything deep and go into survival mode. I'd have to put my own treatment on hold.

I'll definitely start by having an honest conversation with him about my mental health treatment. Maybe that would encourage him to go see someone, but I don't know.

I have encouraged my mom to go remove certain items from his house. I'm concerned that she isn't the right person to deal with that since she herself has had depression and a history of sui tendencies. I asked how she is doing. She said she's okay, but I can't really know for sure.

Any thoughts and comments would be greatly appreciated.

[Abe Froman]

I should probably add that I'm in a dark place too. Difference being that I'm seeing a T and am on meds. My mom doesn't know details about me though.

My younger brother and his wife have already allowed me to removed certain items from my house to theirs.

[morganjane]

Wow, this is a tough one. There are a lot of people on my dad's side of the family who have depression, but none of us ever talk about it to each other, like it's a big secret or something. My best advice would be to talk honestly about your condition to your brother and let him know you want to give him whatever support you can, but don't put your own treatment on hold. Wrecking yourself isn't going to help anybody. Maybe talk to your therapist about how to set healthy boundaries when helping someone with depression?

[Abe Froman]

I ended up talking to my brother. I started the conversation by asking if he would like to have an honest conversation about both of our mental health situations. We talked for two hours. I started by spilling the beans which was my way of extending trust and hoping to get him to open up. He mostly did. He needs help for sure. But he is resistant. All excuses. He admits he'd like to be back on meds, but there is no money. I told him the med he used to be on is generic now, but still no money. I asked him to look up his insurance provider to see what professionals were in network in his area. Hasn't done that yet. Plus, no money for copays.

I tried talking about finances, but there were a lot of excuses. I know you can lead a horse to water and still can't make it drink. But I swear if I have to I'm driving down there and making him call for an appointment. I mean I'm on the same med he used to be on and it cost me $16 per month. My mom thinks it would be even cheaper at Walmart.

Anyway, I needed to vent a little.

[Rohag]

It sounds as if you are handling this situation with your brother as well as anyone could.

He may indeed be in financial straits, but perhaps he uses that to cover his lack of motivation and focus to do anything - depressive paralysis.

Please, vent away.

[Altered Moment]

Good for you for being so supportive. Tough situation as you don't know how he will respond. There have been times that my boss or my parents kind of forced me to go for help. I had already gotten help on many occasions on my own. At the points they intervened I just had no hope and didn't see the point, nothing would help anyway. I did go along however and it did help get me moving in the right direction and give me hope again.

I am glad you were able to have such a long talk. My sister and I are closest when it comes to these issues.

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