Hi Folks-

Some of us have gotten together and come up with an idea we think most of you will like. They asked me if I would write it, so that's why it's under my name.

It's called the Back Pocket Pledge and I'll try to explain what it is. For years I've referred to suicide as something I keep in my back pocket. I keep it close in case I need it. It comforts me and sometimes my life is so out of control that I think about it far too much.

Since things have been coming together for me lately and I've learned how to handle the depressions and sort of head them off at the pass, I think it's time to take it out of my pocket, even if I can only do it one day at a time. The dark days will come again, I'm sure and there may be days I can't fight them off. But I'm going to try. So starting right here, with this thread, we made a pledge and it would be great if you decide to join in.

And it goes like this-

***

Just for today I am taking suicide out of my back pocket. I am making a committment to myself that no matter how down I am, or how horrible today is, or has been, I've decided to go just one more day without it. I'll try not to think about it or plan it and it will be one more burden I don't have to carry around today. I don't know if I'll put it back in my pocket tomorrow, or if I can go another day without it-but I'm kicking it to the curb for just one more day.

***

I will put it back in about every ten responses so it won't be hard for you to find. After you read it, or say it out loud, we invite you to write about your day. You don't have to be polite or supportive or nice-you can rant and rave and get all that anger out. No one is going to judge you. No matter what your mental or physical burden is, maybe it will make things a little easier if you know you don't have to deal with those negative thoughts for the next twenty four hours.

Peace and Love from the Back Pocket Pledge authors.

I took the pledge today. So for the next twenty fouor hours suicide is not in my immediate plans.

Today was ridiculous. My caretakers have tied my appt.s and meds up into a giant Gordian knot. From moronic techs to arrogant doctors, they are making me jump through their freaking hoops like a trained dog. I know the best thing to do is put it out of my mind for awhile, and make sure I eat and take my meds and stay hydrated. Maybe I'll do a little artwork later or make blueberry muffins. Or both!

But for the next twenty four hours, suicide, get out of my back pocket. You are too heavy to carry around right now. So screw you-I have a life to live.

[Rainbowfairy]

I'm game.

I catatrophise obsessively as a survival mechanism, however, I haven't *needed* to do this for about two decades, and it just causes problems now, and excessive feelings of anxiety that do not serve me, so I pledge to not catatrophise for 24 hrs.

(*incidentially, I too have always held suicide as an "option". I used to have a "suicide box", with paraphernalia for two methods - I got rid of it about a year ago - it was hard, but it was the first step in moving from survival to truly living).

Am I doing this right, or does it have to be about suicide?

Dear Rainbowfairy,

I think you're idea is brilliant and I'm sorry I didn't think of it first! If you can put anything that causes you pain and is a negative burden to you, away for twenty-four hours, bravo to you! Kick those catastrophies to the curb. I don't think there is any right way or wrong way, as long as you tell yourself you will not entertain that negative thought pattern for 24 hours.

Congratulations!

(And when I decided to kick suicide out, I felt lighter, as if I wasn't carrying so much weight in my heart. I hope the same thing happened to you. See you tomorrow.)

There is a tremor in the force.

[Rainbowfairy]

Oh dear, I'm confused. I thought I was following your idea? Although I suspected I may not have understood completely.

Although if you're happy to do both, I am.

[Fuzzybear]

Hi Rainbowfairy - lovely name! I'm Scottish too (but never lived there)

I pledge to kick those thoughts to the curb, for today! (for the next 24 hours)

I think the concept is fine..... and I hope it works for some of you.

I do not want to dissuade anyone else from something that could help. Personally - I do not see it as a realistic option for myself. I just can not see honestly saying "okay I wont today"... cuz if I am in that place - odds are that I am ready.... and even if I made the vow - I would only ruminate for 24 hours... counting the seconds until I could do what I wanted to do.

:/

[(JD)]

Well I "like" the title of it, as it's always an "option" when living with CHRONIC debilitating pain..

but today I took that pledge!

(I'm part Scotch as well...father's side.)

[glok]

Not something I will be doing.

[Rainbowfairy]

Hmmm.

I can see how, in the absence of a replacement for the negative thinking/feeling/acting, this may be quite difficult. Perhaps I should have shared that when I find myself engaging in thought that troubles me, I chant. I have never achieved a full 24hrs of non-negative rumination, however, hence I liked the idea of committing to it - whether I succeed or not, I do believe intention has some power at least. And it is true that the more you attempt to suppress something, the more insistent it becomes.

So, I have a suggestion: why not develop a list of replacements for the negative thinking that people can try?

If anyone is interested, I chant the heart of the lotus sutra, from Nichiren Buddhism: Nam-myoho-renge-kyo. I am relatively new to this, but feeling a lot of benefit from it.

Wow. Just wow. I am so freaking impressed with you guys.

And yeah-it doesn't have to be suicide-it can be anything that is a burden to you. Anything that if you take it out of the equation for just 24 hours it will lighten your load.

For those who feel it's not something you can do, thank you for making a comment anyway. Maybe you are not at that place right now, and that is okay too. We all do what we are capable of doing.

I find it almost impossible to keep track of linear time, so I will have to write it down so that I know when it's time to come back and pledge just one more day.

Thank you Rainbowfairy
Thank you for commenting, glok.
Thank you JD-for taking that extra measure of courage with your pain.
Thank you UselessMe for commenting.
Thank you fuzzybear.
And thanks to Tea and the other authors of the Back Pocket Pledge!

[gayleggg]

I take the pledge of taking it out of my pocket and removing it from my thoughts today. I feel at least one burden is lifted from my shoulders today. I know that like anything we choose to change it takes time to get it right. I'm a work in progress.

Thanks. Tea, you did a great job!

Thanks gaylegg!

I also felt that lightness, as if an actual physical weight had been lifted from my shoulders. It was an amazing feeling. One more thing I don't have to worry about today.

Rainbowfairy-

You suggested a list of alternative actions to keep our minds busy. Perhaps you can think of some of those things and make a list for us?

If you don't see my around now and then, it's because I fight sleep. I will be up for 36 to 48 hours sometimes before I can sleep. It's not mania-it's just my natural pattern. Sometimes I will crash for 12 hours. But you don't need me for this. This is all about you. You make this pledge and you challenge the devils on your own. And give yourself an extra treat-you are courageous-and you deserve it!

[Perna]

I explored what "suicide" was/meant for me, how thinking about or contemplating it helped me and made friends with myself and my use of my concept so it was not a problem/issue for me anymore.

[waggiedog]

Hello there. Well, I have to say the idea is just wonderful ............................... worth more than just a consideration or three! However, I don't trust MYSELF! Even though I'm going through a relatively ''good'' run, I still think about suicide almost constantly. There's something happening in the future which will tip me over the edge, for sure. However, when I'm severely depressed, that will be the real test.

I'd like to take the pledge today, I'll hide my ''suicide box'' which is my stash for ''when'', yes I'll go hide it NOW and start living those 24 hour!! THANKYOU. XXXXXXXXXXXXX HUGS and LOVES.

[Pierro]

To take the pledge on day at a time, that's good. I am taking that pledge today and for the last few months to be honest. Enjoy the good days, relax and take a deep breath. The "option" sometimes seems like a good one. But "options" have consequences. I am down to 75mg of Effexor and I dont feel too bad. It takes 5 positive thoughts to cancel out one negative one. Sorry I am ranting. Thanks for the thread, T&S.

The Back Pocket Pledge

Just for today I am taking suicide out of my back pocket. I'm making a comittment to myself that no matter how down I am, or how horrible today is, or has been, I've decided to go just one more day without it. I'll try not to think about it or plan it, and it will be one more burden I don't have to carry around today. I don't know if I'll put it back in my pocket tomorrow, or if I can go another day without it-but I'm kicking it to the curb for just one more day.

Thank you for your comment, Perna. How awesome that you have already made your peace with it.

Thank you waggiedog, for your pledge and your sweet post.

Thank you Pierro, for your pledge and congratulations on the success you have already achieved.

It does feel so good just to let it go. No one expects or can achieve perfection-but the fact that all of us are making the effort, that we throw down the gauntlet to the scariest guy in the room, is excellent.

Sometimes I feel like a magnet to all the worst life has to offer. I endured twelve years of an abusive relationship and I thought about taking that final exit every day of those twelve years. We all have crap we have to deal with outside of our illness-families and children and jobs-horrible relatives or spouses or significant others who seem bent on not allowing us to make any progress. And we won't even talk aboout health care or medication or the lack thereof.

I cannot applaud our courage enough. When I finally do go to sleep, it will be with a smile-because I know that some of us will be safe tonight. And that some of us will come back tomorrow and take the pledge again-for just one more day.

[SeekerOfLife]

I made a commitment to safety a while back when my depression took a nosedive. I had never done this before. No one urged me to do it. No one made me sign a piece of paper stating such (like those papers mean anything). I think it means more when "I" make the choice .

Hey Seeker-

Totally agree. I don't equate this to those stupid pacts you have to sign to keep the skrinks happy. I think it'sawesome that you were able to do this on your own. I started a few weeks ago, but I did it like this-one day at a time. I believe there is not only strength in numbers, but strength in knowing it is just as difficult for one person as it is for everyone else and that makes me feel like the angels have my back. Again.

Did that make any sense? Hope so, because I can't remember the last time I slept. Going on three days, I think. But it's okay. I'm used to it. It's been a tough day all around. (can I rant a little?) Even my spoiled cat is messing with me. You know how a little kid will stand next to you and look up and say mommy, mommy, mommy over and over again in the same tone of voice until you finally say 'Shut up!' Well, Little Man does the same thing except it's meow, meow, meow. I had to throw him out of the lair and shut the door. Cat weighs sixteen pounds and wants to eat six times a day. And it had better be the expensive stuff. Does that make me kitty whipped?

To be honest, I spent so much time on this today that there wasn't any time for work. But don't get me wrong-it was totally worth it. I was in the kitchen, thinking that I'm going to have to find another roommate again, and the bad thoughts were trying to wiggle their way in. But I said no.
They only snickered at me and I could feel that catastrophizing, or however you spell it, bringing up the list. (I feel ya, Rainbowfairy.) So I said NO! It backed off a little. Then I yelled (in my mind) YOU ARE NOT WELCOME HERE! And it worked. In my mind I sounded like Moses. So I just took a few deep breaths, reminding myself that I have several hours left on my 24 and they just can't get in right now.

Take that! And that! I hope you all had a good day, that you were mostly successful and that you'll be back tomorrow.

Love and peace, Tea

[SeekerOfLife]

Hey Tea. Agree about those stupid pacts that therapists want us to sign. It would be better to help create a desire to live before pushing one of those pacts at me. I signed it robotically. This was about 3 years ago.

I have been with my current T I guess about a year. When my depression took a nosedive I knew that I was in a very vulnerable place. On my own I chose safety and life. Was my heart in it? No. But I know firsthand that clinging to sui thoughts was highly dangerous. I chose to go on living even though I was in total misery.

Hope your pet leaves you alone and lets you sleep.

[Rainbowfairy]

Originally Posted by Tea&Sympathy

Thanks gaylegg!

I also felt that lightness, as if an actual physical weight had been lifted from my shoulders. It was an amazing feeling. One more thing I don't have to worry about today.

Rainbowfairy-

You suggested a list of alternative actions to keep our minds busy. Perhaps you can think of some of those things and make a list for us?

If you don't see my around now and then, it's because I fight sleep. I will be up for 36 to 48 hours sometimes before I can sleep. It's not mania-it's just my natural pattern. Sometimes I will crash for 12 hours. But you don't need me for this. This is all about you. You make this pledge and you challenge the devils on your own. And give yourself an extra treat-you are courageous-and you deserve it!

I could, yeah, but realistically, everyone enjoys different things, so it should perhaps be a list that all those taking part construct between them. What I will do is list what I do, which may give some ideas - I mean, the one that works for me best was actually something a friend does regularly, so I guess we can inspire each other.

As mentioned before, my current most effective (and I may add, quick) alternative to catatrophising is chanting. catatrophising may not sound like too bad a symptom, but it can lead to a complete meltdown for me. I experience my mental catastrophes, on an emotional level, as if they really happened, if I follow them long enough. It is then very hard to soothe myself and I start magical thinking, that they were somehow prophetic, and it would be dangerous to ignore them.

So, for the purposes of this post, I chant in my head or outloud (if not in public) when I catch myself catatrophising - just for however long it takes to feel better - sometimes within a minute.
I chant Nam-Myoho-Renge-Kyo. The heart of the lotus sutra. I chant every morning also.

My next most effective method is talk, write, or walk. In that order. I do benefit from verbalisation of what is bothering me (although I had to become accustomed to this through therapy), but there isn't always an appropriate person available, so I will then write - journal, song, poetry - sometimes that is not enough, so I will then walk. A difficult walk. Exertion usually helps me get back in my body and out my head, so I walk over uneven, steep hills - probably rambling more than walking.

Those are what work for me. I have been chanting for a few weeks, and it hasn't failed me once yet when I've employed it to overcome a symptom. The others though aren't always effective or appropriate to every situation.

It would be good to see others' methods, and so we could have a big list for people to chose from to get through their 24hr pledge.

[Rainbowfairy]

I just read someone talking about the desire to live. I think this is so important - meaningful activity. But the activity cannot be "prescribed" it is individual - it has to be something that gives the individual a sense of purpose and volition in the world, hence why I said I really think people should contribute/pick their own methods, but of course trying others' too.

Meaningful activity is a real challenge in many ways. It's something that took me a long time to appreciate - no therapist could give me it, it wasn't in a pill, and the very symptoms it was meant to improve stood menacingly in the way when I tried to do my meaningful activity!! The answer for me, was to find something that I really identified with, and engage in it prolifically when I was feeling OK - in doing this I created a bond with the activities that was quite hard to break. My music, for example, is basically like a timeline of my MI.

As for yesterday, I got through it. There were a couple of hairy moments, but I chose talking and chanting, and did not follow any wee demon rabbits down their endless hole!

[possum220]

I will see you in 24 hours.

Thanks T&S

[Fuzzybear]

(((((((( possum! )))))))

I'll be back here too in 24 hours (((((((( GB ))))))))

Hello my dear friends!

I pledge that for the next twenty four hours I will kick suicide to the curb.

That felt good. Now I feel as if I am protected again. I got about six hours of sleep, which was not enough, but I feel better. I hope more of our friends and friends-to-be will return to make their pledge again. It is such an awesome feeling-it's like being protected by some awesome, invisable force. We are all on different paths, but here, we trod the same road.

I will not talk about the times I have woken up after a botched attempt and wept because I had failed. But now I treasure those times because I did not suceed! What wonders I might have missed! I would not be here for myself and for you. When I think I might not have written my novels, I feel a chill go down my spine. I will share a secret with you. Most writer's, the ones like me that have the gift and have known it and studied and written and worked for it all their lives-we only write for one reason. It has nothing to do with money or any kind of fame (and that does not happen except for the lucky few.) I write for my readers. I write for the person who will one day read one of my books and smile, or laugh or feel some joy because of the words I have written. My book might make them think, or question, or merely entertain. And for that, it has served it's purpose.

But I am so far from perfect. Of the five books, only three will go on to seek the printer's ink. The other two were not good enough, but even in writing those, I learned. Forgive me if I ramble, but it feels important to get these words out right now. I guess the point I am trying to make is that, even if we are successful in kicking the trickster to the curb, we will still have failures in our life. The author of 'The Help' was rejected 61 times before she found her agent. If she had not perservered, that wonderful book would have never come into being.

So here I am. I had thought, in the last couple of years, to put it down. To stop writing all together and just give up. How foolish! For I have stories to share and the only thing that will stop me now is if God decides it is time for me to come home.

So please, take the pledge with me. We will be safe for just one more day. And suicide can go flush itself down the toilet for all I care!

There is a tremor in the force!

Love and Peace, Tea