As the title says, its been a while since i have felt the need to post in depression, mainly because i have been cruising along nicely...that was until now.

i dont know how many of you saw my post in the "Relationship" forum here at PC, i wont go over what it said...but it is that that has triggered this low i am in, and i cant get out of it.

all weekend i have felt close to tears, and nothing i can do seems to release them. im not holding them in, as i dont like doing that...it is unhealthy, so i am letting them flow in their own time which seems not to be now.

i normally know how to deal with myself when i feel like this, i have felt like this before for sure and i am able to climb out of it soon enough, but this time is proving to take longer. i normally listen to music, and sing to release the emotion within, but i cant do that at the moment, not for any medical reasons - i just cant connect with the songs and lyrics, therefor making it seem pointless and empty when i sing. so that doesnt work. sometimes i will watch a few good films that are uplifting, that hasnt worked either - it only takes effect for the length of the film, then as soon as the credits roll im back to square one! now i would say id go out with friends and have a good time, except i cant do that...i have none to call up. normally it isnt a huge problem for me, and i know there are ways of changing it, but this weekend i have desperately needed to hear a friends voice, an invite out somewhere, or even company. no joy.

i decided to go through a file i have full of partially written songs. i hoped i would read something i worte a while ago and it would flick that switch in my head to allow the tears and emotions to flow. i found a few emails in there that i had printed off from my comp. i had forgotten about them until now. one of them was from a friend who was saying how they have been unable to write for roughly 10 years, and they were struggling to write, then they said that a friend of theirs sent them my song, "Smooth" in which they listened to once, twice and then on the third listen they began writing, and ended up writing 24 pages worth. they thanked me for the song, and told me i am helping people through music already. that was touching. the second email was from another friend of mine who thanked me for being here, they said that when they get down and sad and ready to give up, they think of me and what i have been through and that i am still here and am doing ok. they said this helps them find the strength and motivation to move on. they thanked me for being here for them. i will admit these bought some tears to my eyes, and it did touch me. it was unexpected as i had forgotten about these emails. that together with someone telling me last night that i am a "true inspiration" helped me a little, but not enough, im too low for that. it gives me so much strength, and i know that without all this i would be so much lower.

i just thought i would post this just to vent. i have tried venting in other ways (as i just told you) without success. so now im trying this. any support from you guys would be highly appreciated.

thanks for reading, and im sorry for the long post!

simon

((((((Simon))))))))
I haven't read your post in relationships yet but I wanted to respond to your post here- now, anyway.
Maybe you shouldn't fight it either way. You know? Just go with it. My massage teacher used this expression "Sit with it"-meaning to just take it in and observe it and how it feels. Almost like a meditation. That feeling is there for a reason. It's not wrong because you're not crying and it's not wrong because you're not happy. You're in a shade of grey. A metamorphases. ((((((((Simon)))))))) Let your feelings guide you don't try to guide it right now. It's okay to be in an emotional pergatory, it'll break when it's time.

[Fuzzybear]

(((((((((((((((( Simon ))))))))))))))))

xo Fuzzy