[tigerlily84]

Today was a bit better. Since I have less to do at work, and I'm not on the special resource line for people to ask me questions I can concentrate on simply doing my job. It's been pretty slow so I'm glad for that. I also gave one of my shifts away so I'll have tomorrow off. I don't really care about making less money at this point, it's really just about what I can handle.

[mulan]

I'm worried about a friend who is ill. I am just hopping he gets better and recovers totaly. It's a very serious illness and he is young as I. He deserves to get better.

[hope2010]

Originally Posted by ShyPoetGirl

Thank you so much...
That's all that's keeping me here at this point...the hope that someday I won't feel so bad.

I feel the same, and I do care, maybe sometime we are all so tired and sick that seems like no body cares, but not here, not in this thread, was a long hard day, a lot of financial issues, a lot of high anxiety. I am taking charge of what is happening, am fighting.

There have to be a way to feel better, to get well, there is always hope.

I don't feel like I'm depressed anymore. After a year and 2 months of depression, I feel like I started to go into hypomania yesterday. I feel like I have ants in my pants, can't sit still like I used to. I'm calling my pdoc - - whom I just saw yesterday - - to request a mood stabilizer. I guess I'd rather have this over depression, but this is uncomfortable. I don't like it. I don't work and I don't have enough to keep me busy.

[aprillynn197]

Miserable with so much sadness in my heart.

[SnailLover]

Not a good day. Tired of being unemployed and blatantly discriminated against.

[Brintel]

Originally Posted by regretful

It's a new thread, so I thought I'd check in again. I just had this thought that it has been a long time since I've laughed about anything. Depression is the worst illness. It's robbed me of everything that I used to enjoy.

I have the same thought--long time since I've laughed about anything. Not many real smiles, either. I can't read much anymore either, like a novel--can't concentrate well-- and I used to love that more than anything else.
Another thing now that makes me sad is that when I dream at night, in my dreams I'm normal again, not depressed, and I feel so wistful about it when I wake up. Depression is the worst illness, for sure. I wish recovery for us all.

[regretful]

Ebbing and flowing...I'm a bit lighter in my mood at times, but when I walk into this office a pall is cast over me. I'm hoping for a return to a career that I used to have, and if that were to come to fruition, this depression would instantly remit.

[Bark]

Thunderstorm... when you're suffering through a drought, rain is amazing. I love storms when they don't last more than a few days. At least a few days of a break in between.

Broke down in therapy; not crying, and not to any trigger I can think of. But I started shutting down physically, keeping my head down with my eyes closed and stuttering, and just becoming really slow. It's happened before, and every time it happens I tell myself I'm acting. My therapist actually said she'd call me later to check on me, and she did. That was real nice of her.

Feeling better now. She told me to watch a movie, and I might, or at least surf the web and take it easy. I have to study, but I think I should take it easy. Maybe all that studying for the exam affected me?

The nurse got back to me: we're going to try increasing the dose of the med that makes me sleep. Yay. Although I have read that at higher doses it works less as a sleep aid; then again, it's still a low dose. Still every other day. We'll see what happens. I start tonight. I'd better be able to wake up for class tomorrow....

[TheLastChapter]

Gosh today has sucked. It started out well, I got to talk to my long distance boyfriend. It was so nice to hear from him. But then I went to class. I found out that at the rate im going, if it was a year class I would be able to pass it. But since I have dug such a deep hole, there will be no coming back to pass it this semester. I do not know why the decision to drop it is so hard for me. I guess I have never been in a situation where I have comepletely failed (which is not only a huge stressor that I have avoided for years, it is a major fear of mine). It is amazing to me how quickly my mood can change with such a small stressor. It just kind of ruined my day. Ready for bed.

Finally, after almost a straight week of nothing but clouds & rain, the sun is back out & shining. I've looked @ the forecast & tomorrow & Friday will be all rain again, so I'm trying trying trying to enjoy this little slice of nice weather while it lasts. But I'm feeling so down, I can't seem to lift my spirits at all. It's been like this for so long now I'm beginning to think I'll never feel okay again. Last night my parents drank & fought, all the usual bull****. I felt so bad... They actually didn't drink on Monday, but I knew they would drink yesterday, 'cause never am I lucky twice in a row. I'm not expecting to be lucky tonight, either. Hopes aren't high.

[Bark]

Originally Posted by TheLastChapter

Gosh today has sucked. It started out well, I got to talk to my long distance boyfriend. It was so nice to hear from him. But then I went to class. I found out that at the rate im going, if it was a year class I would be able to pass it. But since I have dug such a deep hole, there will be no coming back to pass it this semester. I do not know why the decision to drop it is so hard for me. I guess I have never been in a situation where I have comepletely failed (which is not only a huge stressor that I have avoided for years, it is a major fear of mine). It is amazing to me how quickly my mood can change with such a small stressor. It just kind of ruined my day. Ready for bed.

I used to be an A and B+ student. Starting highschool I slipped, even failed during trimesters, but never the class.

When I went to college, the first semester I failed three courses I think. I had to see a counsellor (other than the one I was seeing, who frankly was not much help). Asked how I was, said I was fine, and he said to withdraw from a course if I was going to fail. I took three courses I think. Failed two. So I basically flunked out of college.

Now I'm at a different institution, and after doing quite well I again got in a rut and failed two courses.

I guess what I'm saying is, it hit me hard before. It was tough. I felt like an absolute failure. I wouldn't call it a small stressor; that's almost like saying it's insignificant. Which it isn't. I still struggle. But now I understand that, with my problems, sometimes I will slip and fall, but better on a mattress than on the floor. I've started thinking about withdrawing from one of my courses... I'm worried about it. I'm only taking three courses! But I tell myself: take it easy on yourself. If you can't handle it, admit it. Because that's much easier than suffering through. You haven't completely failed: you've just realized that you can't finish the course. And that's okay. There's always next semester. And so what if you take more time to graduate than other people because you're taking fewer courses? That's fine, too. I will admit, though, I still very much struggle with it. It's hard to be kind to yourself, I find.

Typing is so much more comfortable on a computer... maybe I spoke too much or didn't make sense. Sorry.

[waterknob1234]

Hopeful today. No I did not get my dream job. My life situation has not changed. Tomorrow everything might unravel. But for the last two days life has been pretty decent for a change. Everything is calm. I hope it lasts.

[tigerlily84]

Originally Posted by Bark

If you can't handle it, admit it. Because that's much easier than suffering through. You haven't completely failed: you've just realized that you can't finish the course. And that's okay.

If you don't mind, I'm going to take this advice also and apply it to my job and the little everyday stresses (such as dealing with family/friends/people in general) that drive me crazy. I learned this the hard way, and I kept trying to prove to myself that I could do it, that I could manage. And now I'm picking up the pieces because I realized that I can't. It sucks. And it's humbling, and almost freeing in a way, now that I've realized this. I don't want to pretend to be okay anymore, because I'm not. I'm not that great of an actress anyway.

[UnderRugSwept]

I think I am the only person (or, one of very few) who is depressed and is never, ever up? It doesn't vary. It's all the same. I never knew until I saw this thread that others felt differently than I do. I mean, I am GLAD that other people don't always feel as down as I do...I just thought depressed meant always depressed. Maybe it's b/c I have MDD? Idk.

[regretful]

Depression greeted me again this morning...I'm doing my best to shake it off...medication, gratitude, positive thoughts, challenging my false beliefs that don't have evidence...but it persists...and I hate it.

Clouds & rain again. I hate myself & ashamed to be me.
Parents will drink & argue again tonight, like always...My life is so predictable, I can basically predict what will happen each day because each day is almost exactly the same to the last. I say almost because some days I might step outside for five minutes or my cat might bite me or something...but every day is pretty much the same, and it will be the same all winter. ALL winter...I don't know how I'll live through it. Maybe I should just accept that I won't.
Maybe death is the answer and everyone has been lying to keep me here.

[tigersassy]

Everything is falling in on me. I feel like everything is out of my control. I'm a fake and I feel like everyone knows, but they won't tell me they know. I can't afford to live anymore. I owe too much money to too many people. Overwhelmed and drowning....

[hope2010]

Originally Posted by ShyPoetGirl

Clouds & rain again. I hate myself & ashamed to be me.
Parents will drink & argue again tonight, like always...My life is so predictable, I can basically predict what will happen each day because each day is almost exactly the same to the last. I say almost because some days I might step outside for five minutes or my cat might bite me or something...but every day is pretty much the same, and it will be the same all winter. ALL winter...I don't know how I'll live through it. Maybe I should just accept that I won't.
Maybe death is the answer and everyone has been lying to keep me here.

SPG, I don't know how I will live through today, but I do know that I will fight till I made it through. I am sick physically sick with a post cancer treatment that hurts everyday, am depressed, I have high anxiety, panic attacks every single freaking day. And my husband is in the hospital recovering from Pneumonia and post lung surgery and I can't be there with him because me being me, after 3 days without leaving the hospital I got a horrible cold.

So, am back at home, trying to figures out how to pay the bills, sick, mentally and physically, still having bad, dark thoughts about my reason to be alive.

Same as you, you ShyPoetGirl are someone I care, we are here all together in this thread, I care because I understand what you area talking about, I don't have the same issues but I can empathize with you all over the way.

Please think about your live, think that if you are thinking in hurting yourself, you are not doing any good to anyone. Your life is precious to me, and let me tell you the true, if a good PC doctor find the right medication and the right dose for you, you will not feel this way. You will want to fight and see slowly how to keep asking others that are professional how to be in a better situation.

I really get up set when I read about your parents, but that is their problem, the way they are acting is their issues. You are not alone, have to be a way to find more help. Mean time, keep writing here, keep fighting, you might be a great poet, maybe life is testing in a very suck way all of us. And we are not giving up.

Stay safe! Big hugs, Alexia

Cold as fire...hot as ice.

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk