[aprillynn197]

Feelin full. Ate too much today

My depression is terrible today. I didn't think it could get any worse than it already was but I guess I was wrong. I just don't know what to do. My ECT pdoc doesn't seem to think the ECT could make my depression worse. I just don't feel much like living lately. Not a good feeling at all.

[Bark]

Getting that feeling in my chest and the thoughts in my head again. Feel like I'm whining about my problems when my life isn't that bad. Complain about feeling tired... oh, poor me. I have to wake up early tomorrow to print stuff but I don't think I can... useless. That's what I am. But hey, I was laughing earlier. See? I'm fine. I'm always fine.

Yeah, I can't take my own advice.

I think I'll listen to music.

[TheLastChapter]

I just feel exhausted. I had to make the decision on whether or not to drop a class today. Even though I will end up needing it for my major, I think I cant deal with the stress anymore. I finally knew that it was for the best because of the sick feeling I had when I thought about going to the class and about the grade. I just could not deal with it. But it is done and over with. I feel sick. I just want to go to bed and never get up again. Life sucks.

[tigerlily84]

Work was slow. I sat next to one of my friends today, which was nice. I am still very anxious though, to the point that I felt like I was dissociating this morning. I'm going to bring this up to my pdoc when I see her next week.

In other news: I just completed a phone interview for a job I really want, and I have another one lined up tomorrow morning! I'm excited, and hoping for the best.

[Bark]

Skipping class. Again. Think I'd better drop. I want to talk to the professor about it first.

I managed to brush and floss my teeth every night for the past two months (I even got up at 7 AM once just to brush and floss, to not break my streak). Well eff that.

I need to take some supplies for an event right now. Bleh.

Just have that cassette player in my head. What's the point?

I think that, for the sake of other people, I'll get up and take the supplies. Maybe I'll be slightly less useless.

[regretful]

Tired of waking up at exactly 3:25 AM every morning with terrible thoughts of regret...

I would like some energy. Even coffee doesn't do it. Sleep doesn't make me feel rested. The tinnitus I think is underneath this depression, it is possible to try to ignore it but never have real peace and quiet
It is easy to give up, much harder to try. Everything hurts. Must remember to get my thyroid tested again, something is draining the life out of me.

[TheOriginalMe]

An almost unbearable week, but I got through it even though every conscious second hurt and quite a few of the unconscious seconds too. I have a weekend of waiting ahead, dreading Monday morning, dreading Monday afternoon even more.

Worse even than having my CBT therapist drop me is the thought that on Monday my GP will tell me that no other service will take me on. I keep thinking over and over that eventually there must be some help, but then I think of the unequivocal rejections I've had so far and all I can go on is past experience.

Every time I try to accept that I'm on my own with this (I know you are here for me, I mean medically on my own) the anxiety rises, the tears overwhelm me, I get angry but I'm too tired to fight, I want to physically beat myself. I fight so hard not to raise my hand to myself, then I wish I were dead, but that can't be, I'm needed here in this world and so the cycle starts again the anxiety rises....................on and on and on.

[aprillynn197]

I will never be good enough for the rest of my life

Learned earlier my 5-year-old cousin won't be coming over tomorrow either. There went the one thing I had to look forward to all week...Now just a long bleak road ahead of me. Getting so fed up with all these constant disappointments and nothing good happening. I desperately need a change. Like that'll happen.

[tigerlily84]

I was off work today, which was perfect because I had the other phone interview this morning. I don't think it went as well as it could have. I don't think I was what they were looking for. But, it's okay. I'm trying. That's what I keep telling myself, at least you're trying. I hope the trying will actually lead me somewhere this time. I'm slowly feeling like I'm coming back to myself, but I feel like I lost a big part of myself this time. I feel hollow, but I can't really remember when I was whole. It feels distant, like a dream.

[TheLastChapter]

Had a major breakdown last night. Lots of crying. But then I started today and thought everything was going ot be fine. My asthma is acting up majorly and I was almost late to my 11 o'clock class. When I got home from class today, I had a major panic attack. Tomorrow is our homecoming and it is really stressing me out (the program that I am involved in is really involved with my college). It is so much to think about. I have to be away from home from 8 in the morning til 8 in the evening. I have been so stressed that I haved stopped eating. It is really bad. Tonight though I forced myself to eat dinner due to the fact that I know I have to. Life is really stressful right now. I am really hoping that after this weekend everything will slow down. I can only hope for now.

[Bark]

TheOriginalMe, have you tried talking to Mind? They might be able to help.
Helplines | Mind, the mental health charity - help for mental health problems

[Bark]

Slept around three hours, then up for less than an hour, then slept for another 10 hours. I wish I could stay asleep. Not that my dreams are particularly pleasant, but at least I don't have to deal with reality. I expect my roommate will start worrying about me again. I've been imaginig ending up inpatient again, which I know is a bad sign. So I'm going to lie back and listen to music again.

I had asked, or he asked, this "friend" to come over this weekend. I honestly don't know if he is a friend. I've told him I'm not interested in sex. Met him in February, just texts and I even drove twice to see him. He did the same to see me. Then heard nothing from him all summer. So I don't know why, desperation I guess, I text him to say hi and we have been doing that for a month or so. I get sick of him suggesting friends with benefits.
I wish a man could just realize there is much more to a relationship than that, and I'm honestly not attracted that way and you'd think he would know that. I'm a generous person so I would take him out to eat or make something. The way I feel today I just want to forget it because my place is a mess and I'm sooo tired. But I just want company. There isn't many friends, only one gf who lives far and is always busy with her own life. It is thanksgiving weekend here and now without my ex I feel like this year is very strange without "family" together.

I do get so lonely and tired of looking after my son. I wish someone would take me out and could take care of things for a while.

I'm thinking about church this weekend instead. That would give me something.
Problem is my son wont go with.

I hate that I'm not being the mother I should be. I could just stay in my misery soup and sleep away my life if it wasn't for him.

If you aren't a parent, be glad you aren't responsible for another human being. It is I know supposed to be something people love to do, but when you realize what a sick world it is becoming, and you love your child but aren't able to force yourself to do what is right, then you live with guilt.

My husband is out of town on a trip he won at work. Will not be back until Monday night. Being severely depressed and all alone is no fun. I had the opportunity to get together with a friend today but decided against it. Tomorrow I think we're going to a movie. If I make it until then.

[TheOriginalMe]

Originally Posted by Bark

TheOriginalMe, have you tried talking to Mind? They might be able to help.
Helplines | Mind, the mental health charity - help for mental health problems

Thanks Bark. MIND have provided me with some info, but they don't have any volunteers in my town to talk to in person. Apparently, the mh services have to have clear guidelines on the services they provide and rather than dismissing people as not meeting their criteria they have to show that there is more suitable treatment available in another service. So my GP has challenged the local MH service to direct me to the right service, it's a waiting game and my anxiety is making me dread the worst. I'm not quite as anxious today and have felt safer in myself.

[TheOriginalMe]

^ As I mentioned above, calmer today, but I've developed tinnitus it sounds like someone hammering metal. Annoying, distracting but better than anxiety. Hopefully, it will go away while I'm asleep.

[Bark]

Feeling a bit better. Still depressed, but it has lifted somewhat. It feels closer to how I used to feel before meds: depressed but not at risk of doing anything stupid, and able to be somewhat useful.

A friend of mine who knows how I'm feeling passed by and brought me some food to munch on. No preparation needed. I had cereal with water before because there was no way I was going out to buy milk. Too much energy required.

I passed by the PC chat and met some nice people there, and tried helping out people as well. Felt a bit more useful. And the conversation ended up getting into food, and I got myself to eat after that, as well as take my morning medication. So I'm thankful to various people today.

I think I'll brush my teeth and sleep. That's a good start.