[SnailLover]

((Warnings, possible triggers?))

In brief, I'm tired of everything. I've undergone over 30 years of multiple types of abuse. I can't seem to get away from it. I even moved to another country. I went No Contact with my abusive family for over 14 years but then again had to be contacted by an attorney because my abusive sister wants control of my abusive mom's care and money. I don't care, I just don't want to be contacted. Even during that I and my other sibling had a restraining order put on us from access some bank account in the US my mom had. Which the restraining order could cause problems for me staying in my new country.

I got away from my passive aggressive, narcissistic personality, rapist husband but still 4 years after my divorce he won't refinance a car loan to get my name off of it. He's been going to do it for 4 years now. You know how PA's are. Despite making $46 an hour he pays the car payment two months late every time, ($250 a month)thus destroying my credit. My ex guilted me into going to college with him because I was such a loser. He went to college years earlier and took out so many loans they would only loan him for a year more at the max. I got a scholarship but I still had to sign up for every private loan because if I didn't I wasn't contributing to the household monetarily. (I was told get a job but when I tried there was abuse and he always stood in the way/told me what a hassle it would be)Now I have over $50k in loans of money that I accessed about $500 of it. Rest he spent on eating out, buying games/gaming systems/thousands disappeared I don't know where...etc. That will haunt me forever and make it impossible to ever buy a house or pay off. Oh yeah and he put me through years of hell with his PA/Narc parents, one of whom still stalks me on the internet as of a year ago

I moved across the ocean to marry a friend of 13 years. He was taking care of his basically terminally ill mom the last 8 years. She degraded every year and couldn't be alone even a minute. His dad was rich and could have paid a carer or cared for her himself but he too is PA/Narc. My husband did not realise the life of abuse he had suffered until his dad assaulted me one night. My husband lived off nothing and had one pair of pants to his name, threadbare underware etc. (His dad never offered to help) Because of the cost of immigrating I had to live in that house for nearly 3 years and endured psychological abuse. The FIL ruined our wedding, abused his wife, abused my husband and I. He made it to where we were always broke from paying rent/expenses (FIL paid my husband for 8 months out of 8 years for caring for mom, he wasn't allowed to find a job) and couldn't move out. I barely left the room in two years I was so scared and my husband was scared for my safety. The FIL would steal our food, throw away our things and make it nearly impossible for us to eat or use the toilet. Finally MIL died (which is a terrible story in itself) and my husband was no longer welcome there, his usefulness was up.

Finally we escaped and due to financial obligations with my visa requirements moved into a cheap house with two male room mates. They too are PA! The house is ghetto and we just got the ability to have tepid water after nearly 6 months of no hot water. The toilet seat isn't even bolted down, the house is full of a roommates things as he is a hoarder so the only useable rooms are our bedroom and the kitchen. The property had not been cleaned in over 5 years. I spent over 200 hours trying to clean it up/fix holes in walls/repaint etc. This was rewarded with my roommates ruining paint jobs and complaining. They steal our food, lie about it, fill our milk bottle up with water, act aggressive (Raising their voice and telling me how things are going to be), yesterday the guy with most of his teeth missing/black rotting teeth used my husband's toothbrush that or scrubbed the toilet with it. Today I sat on the upstairs toilet seat and someone closed the lid (which they never do) I sat in pee. Someone peed very liberally all over the toilet seat - front, back and the sides then closed the lid. They purposefully try to get us fined with the council by not having our bins sorted which can cause problems for my visa and staying here because my name is on the housing/council bill. They make fun of me possibly losing my marriage and being sent home if my last visa fails.

One guy is super weird (the toothless one) and only bathes once every 2-3 weeks and wears the same clothes everyday. He washes clothes every month and only has like 6 items out on the line when he does despite him having a job. He buys imported stuff from Japan all the time. The house stinks like dirty butt/pits all the time because of him. I swear something is wrong with the guy, he really unsettles me.

The solution - move! But I can't! We never have enough money to live somewhere with non crazy abusive people. We have thousands of pounds in visa fees to pay yet and I can't get a job. I've had a few part time ones (like 80 pounds a month). I've been subjected to discrimination, health and safety violations, employers paying me less than they are advertising, labor violations or just plain not paying me for my work at all.

I'm pretty much tired of being treated like dog crap. If I have money I can move elsewhere but no one will hire me. My husband has a job but at 30 he's basically like an 18 year old starting all over again because he was out of work taking care of his mom 8+ years. He tried going to university but his dad ruined that. He had to miss classes and take care of mom because his dad wanted to go golfing or to parties and didn't want to hire a carer.

The only conceivable way to escape this money pit is to write a book and get it published because no one is hiring me that actually wants to pay minimum wage. And that is a long shot. I am trying to lose weight and eat emotionally all the time now. I barely go outside. I have health problems I can't see the Dr. until Dec for. Please, please, don't say to go back to my country. I am not. I really don't like when people mention that as an option.

In short: I'm tired of the feeling like I'm escaping one bad abusive relationship and end up unknowingly into another with someone that isn't my partner and I don't have the money to escape from such people permanently!

[TheOriginalMe]

Have you tried the Citizens Advice Bureau, they will be able to tell you what your options are for housing and health, they will also have lists of contacts for support groups in your area. Have you been to a GP about your health problem, if not you should be able to get an appointment sooner than December (it is usually about a week for a GP appointment in the UK). If your GP has already referred you to a specialist then December is within the 18 week limit for an appointment (this only applies for physical health, there are no minimum standards for mental health ). However, if you are waiting for a specialist appointment and are still having problems then go back to you GP or call NHS 111 who can advise you whether you need to go to A&E.

Hope this advice helps with the more practical of the problems, I'm sorry you've had such a traumatic life and I hope being in the UK finally helps you find some peace.

[SnailLover]

Originally Posted by TheOriginalMe

Have you tried the Citizens Advice Bureau, they will be able to tell you what your options are for housing and health, they will also have lists of contacts for support groups in your area. Have you been to a GP about your health problem, if not you should be able to get an appointment sooner than December (it is usually about a week for a GP appointment in the UK). If your GP has already referred you to a specialist then December is within the 18 week limit for an appointment (this only applies for physical health, there are no minimum standards for mental health ). However, if you are waiting for a specialist appointment and are still having problems then go back to you GP or call NHS 111 who can advise you whether you need to go to A&E.

Hope this advice helps with the more practical of the problems, I'm sorry you've had such a traumatic life and I hope being in the UK finally helps you find some peace.

Hi and thanks for the reply Theoriginalme

My husband and I have visited the citizens advice bureau last year. Unfortunately because I did not originate from an EU country my rights are a bit limited here, my visa requirements are a bit stricter than theirs. Basically my husband and I do not have the rights to access any sort of public fund/assistance. (Which I would feel awkward about doing)This includes any sort of housing assistance, sliding scale sort of counselling, help with council tax, going to the job centre is also using public funds so I read as I am utilizing workers time that are paid by the government. I can understand these regulations for newcommers, even if they apply to just non EU.

As far as the GP I've not made an appointment, right now I can't afford to. They passed an immigration health care act in July iirc that effects non EU and since I do not have my third visa approved I don't have access to free health care anymore so I am waiting until December to begin to make appointments when I get permanent residency. Unfortunately I may need to go beyond a GP appointment (I am showing signs of insulin resistance despite being healthy weight and having dizzy spells and almost fainting when bending over or turning my head right even when in bed -likely problems with my fused vertebrae.) which will be very costly.

NHS: Immigrants to pay £200 a year to see doctor but critics fear even more pressure on A&E - Mirror Online

NHS to charge non-EU patients 150% of cost of treatment | Society | The Guardian (This will be starting next year)

AE is charged as well. A couple years ago I walked or rather was wheelchaired out of the AE after hearing a stay to determine if I needed a blood transfusion was going to be an estimated 2,500-3,000. I couldn't afford that, again I needed 1,800 for the second visa to be here. Nor can you owe the NHS money or you will be denied staying here. (Not even a payment plan) I had the nurses undo the saline in my arm and told them I had to leave. I recovered in bed at home for the next month.

Right now I don't have 200 spare, all our money is being saved for the cost of the next visa and to show we have savings. Even with the 200 charge they do not guarantee to cover some treatment. It is easier for me to wait a few months more after I shell out another 1,800+ on my last visa then make an appointment in December. (If my visa is approved.)

Unfortunately the cost of being here/the rules of being non EU can work against people in difficult situations. But those are the rules so they must be followed.

I hope life gets better here too, thank you

[TheOriginalMe]

Hi SnailLover

I didn't realize the complexity of the Visa situation, I assumed that your husband is British and that would confer entitlement. I have coworkers who are still US citizens and they seem to qualify for free NHS care, but I guess because they are working full time that might make a difference.

To be honest I'm surprized that any NHS facility has a system set up for charging anyone. Shows how much I know about my own country. If your health gets worse please seek medical help, surely you can't be refused treatment in an emergency.

Also you can still check out local support groups in your area, these are run by charities and you wouldn't be drawing on the state. Best of luck.

[SnailLover]

Thanks Yeah it is pretty complex. Anyone non EU with an ILR (Indef. leave to remain) can get free healthcare after the changes. Your co-workers may have that status, I do not unfortunately. Amount of hours working or not working does not matter thankfully.

Thanks for the ideas, unfortunately I cannot use charities either. I have about two months left. Mainly posting to have a moan about things. It does get very tiring.

[TheOriginalMe]

I know, from what you have written, that your introduction to the UK has been horrible. I'm sorry that so many people have clearly made you feel uncomfortable and unwelcome. Despite all your negative experience so far, I do hope that you come to enjoy living here as it is a beautiful and (largely) tolerant place. In the meantime, PC is a splendid place to moan, rant and vent.