[Silverrun]

For at least the past 7 years I've had an ongoing feeling on inferiority. Where I feel inadequate to function as a regular member of society, undeserving to have somebody care for me, depriving myself of opportunities or chances to make things a bit better. By nature I'm rather introverted and thus shy, which combined with this has lead repeatingly to me not feeling comfortable eating in public, admitting I've made mistakes, admitting I need help or asking for it. It also has lead repeatingly to me not daring to correct others on small mistakes that give me a disadvantage, such as a teller not calculating my articles with their discounts. Or choosing the second best option, because as much as I like the best option, I don't think I'm worth it.

This feeling of inferiority possibly stemmed from my history of getting bullied and when I finally found a girl that was being nice to me, I possibly mistook that friendliness for infatuation. So when I got shot down, I took that deeply to heart. Over time this view on myself grew further and made me deprive myself of medical help when I may have needed it. A good example is that I'd rather not talk about these depressive feelings I have, rather than taking that step to go to a mental health professional for help.

As this feeling kept lingering, I needed a way to cope with it. Talking to other people was out of the question, as was anything that required actual productive effort. I choose, in hindsight foolishly, to take it out physically on myself with any sharp edge that I could find. I learned to hide my wounds easily to prevent people from seeing them. At the time I worked in a steel factory, where a lot of cooling fluids and oils were needed to treat the products. I'm now ashamed to admit that I used to get some of satisfaction, sort of a personal justified pain, whenever I felt those fluids bite at my wounds. It took me a while to get out of this addiction with the help of my closest friends.

There was no light in the tunnel around this part of my life, nor any chance that I would allow myself to try to fix things. I cried myself to sleep repeatingly. Used to feel angry at my parents for having me, had suicidal thoughts before I even left my bed. On one of my more serious attempts I treated my body badly and lost a good amount of blood. As crazy as it sounds at this point, at that moment where I started to believe that this really was it, I heard my best friend's voice screaming at me to stop. My best friend was on a different continent at the time. Yet I obeyed, cleaned myself, hid the wounds and went on my day, hiding it from everybody. The thought of talking a health professional did not even cross my mind.

After this event, I slowly started hearing voices in my head, twisting things around to hurt me and making me have bad ideas. Such as personally amputating certain body parts, or trying to hire somebody to give me a lobotomy. Whenever I thought of something good or happy, I knew how to twist it in my mind to depress myself. I grew to associate love, children, happiness, fun, sex, arrousal and kissing with the things that hurt me the most. Convincing myself on an hourly basis that I do not deserve those things. Up to this day, I still struggle with those thoughts.

The voice in my head that I imagined saying those things to me, did not sound like my own voice. I felt like it was something else. Initially a stubborn doubt that just kept going, but growing fast into my personal demon. I started to hallucinate during the episodes at this point. I could swear I heard children crying in the middle of the night with nobody around. Or pigs squeeling their final breath as again there was nothing around me. I saw rainbows around the moon, felt things brushing against me. Sometimes even when I spoke I did not recognize my own voice, or my own reflection.

Some good friends reached out to me during this stage and things were okay-ish for a while. I was kind of happy, optimistic.. yet still lonely and still left with this feeling of inadequacy. A few months after which there was this astrological event. A supermoon or something. I started feeling different. Either I had an ailuranthropic awakening in the otherkin sense, or I had more hallucinations. Otherkin, or therianthropy is the phenomenom where a person knows he or she is human, but on a non-physical way identifies as something else, generally speaking. Given the nature of therianthropy and otherkin in a scientific sense, I cannot know for sure. But I'm sure that you can imagine having the regular feelings like you have a phantom tail or feline traits is very welcome in such a stage of life. As if that wasn't screwing with my head enough, I had another one of those awakenings. This time in the sense of feeling my soul was partly decendant from the energy that was perscribed to an ancient God of Love. As arrogant as that sounds, this happened at a time where I still had that mental gymnastics happening, convincing me that I do not deserve love.

Up to this day I still question my sanity because of all this, still feel inadequate and have other worries on top of all this. The loneliness is still feeling like it's ripping at my heart, especially when everybody always experiences love and sex. Or have children. When I haven't even had a date with a girl, or had a first kiss. I don't believe anymore in that 'it will happen in time' cliche as I've heard that for about six years now. It loses it's credibility.

To wrap it up on a more positive note, I am trying to better myself by trying to send myself through college. I'm studying psychology actually. But I'm without a job, bills keep piling and studying is pricey. So that's more stress, but I hope to get that paper and no longer be a high-school dropout.

[Rohag]

Hello & Welcome, Silverrun. Although depression may be one issue, your hidden suicide attempt, or self-harm incident, and repeated powerful impression of voices speaking to you warrant a careful screening by medical professionals.

Please make yourself at home here.

[Altered Moment]

It sounds like friends have helped you a lot and been an important influence in your life. Maybe expanding that support network to include this forum, professionals, others that have had similar experiences will help.

At one time I had what they called a full blown manic episode with lots of psychosis. It lasted over a year. During that time I had many what I would call "spiritual experiences". They were very real to me. I spent many years trying to figure out if they were real or just hallucinations and delusions. I still don't know. A counselor told me the problem was that the reality I was experiencing wasn't the same as everyone else's. That made sense to me because she wasn't saying that my experience wasn't real, just different. I couldn't explain them to you if I tried. Whether real or not I still have to somehow figure out how to function in this world as it is commonly percieved and as I usually perceive it. I have the same wants and desires as most anyone. I dunno....I am rambling

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[lpstaub31]

I noticed a unique part of your story...Associating children with pain. Did you have a traumatic childhood? I think that you should discuss this with a professional. Perhaps if you deal with the demons of your past, the demons of your present will subside.

Best of luck