[Amphiptere]

I know that many will think that my partner should be the one posting here instead of me, but ultimately it is my misunderstanding of how things are going that caused a lot of the grief, and I can only hope by fixing my end of things that we will survive this trial as well.

I have been diagnosed with GAD and MDD. The GAD is almost a memory at this point, which is a huge victory and one that my partner and I came through together. The depression, on the other hand, is eroding everything we have achieved. A bullet list from a blog is good if you want a list of how:

• Usually, we think of the passive side of the illness with its loss of vitality and despair, but there’s also an aggressive side. It flares out when depressed partners blame others for what they're feeling. The person they're closest to takes the brunt of their anger.
• Flashes of anger come frequently. Irritability is a constant attitude, leading to criticism and annoyance at trivial things. Money’s being wasted, bills aren't paid on time, the house is a mess. For days at a time, depression can provoke this constant barrage of criticism.
• When inner feelings are most confusing, depressed partners try to control home and family as closely as possible. They want everything to be predictable. They can get furious at minor upsets that violate the sense of order they're desperate to preserve. The depressed partners are full of tension, and their behavior is torture for the rest of the family.
• The closer to inner collapse depressed partners feel, the more they blame others for creating their problems. They accuse their partners of ignoring their needs. At its worst, this need to blame can turn paranoid.
• Obsessive thinking is a phrase gets at the intense anguish that’s part of a compulsive focus on every mistake they've ever made. In depression, they can’t stop thinking about what they did wrong today. Or if today was all right, they could summon up that embarrassing or stupid thing they did twenty years ago. Time doesn't make any difference. The memories of failure, real or imagined, are the most highly charged for a depressed person.
• Overwhelmed, unable to face anyone, depressed partners spend a lot of time alone. They may feel a desperate need to get away from everyone. They need space and solitude to hold onto the little energy and spark they have left.
• Self-esteem is replaced with self-contempt. An inner voice persuades the partner to think this way: I can’t do anything right, and I've never been able to. I’m just too stupid. Someone else will come along, someone better, more capable, stronger than I am. It’s only a matter of time before my partner gives up on me and finds real fulfillment with someone else. Nothing will ever work out for me.

Since that talk where I realised that something is broken and, surprise, its actually me and not everything else, I have gone out of my way to try and fix things. I don't complain about the lights being left on in the toilet, but I do ask if my partner can please put his socks in the hamper. Instead of complaining about my partner's driving, I take a motion sickness tablet and focus on other things. Instead of badgering my partner to do activities with me, I let him go as far as he wants, and then I make sure he can see that its okay to stop playing a game with me, do something else entirely, or whatever he wants and I don't flip out. Instead of talking constantly about how I feel and why its horrible, I have started a blog that is locked to everyone except me, although the concept of putting these feelings on the internet where everyone and anyone might be able to see them by accident makes me nervous.

I think this is a great start. The problem is that it leaves me completely exhausted. I have a week left to get two large projects and two exams done now, and the only thing I feel like doing is sleeping. Even my usual power naps are not doing it for me. It's that (expletive deleted) black hole trying to suck me in again.

Anyone have any suggestions on how I can find any energy at all to add to what I have? I am on a good, healthy diet, I do dance twice a week for 30 minutes, and I stopped smoking years ago. I sleep pretty decently if you ignore the times I wake up due to the children in the flat above me. I have everything going for me, and I don't want to lose it now, not after everything I have done to get this far.

Thanks for reading.

[Altered Moment]

Its like that for me. I can be doing everything right and things are going great and....slam. Its like walking and gazing at the flowers and clouds and all is well and then face first into a brick wall. It has to be doubly hard in a relationship. I am not in one but I know how much work and how hard they can be.

All i can say is keep trying
Therapy- CBT, DBT, whatever kind
Meditation
Journaling
Support network
A support group
Medication is you choose that route
Whatever else may help

I don't know if you are doing any of those things.

[Amphiptere]

Therapy: CBT is what I know and have been doing for 3 years now.
Meditation: Sertralin is what I have taken for 6+ years.
Journaling: I hate it, but I am doing it anyway.
Support network: Hi, I am here.

[Altered Moment]

Originally Posted by Amphiptere

Support network: Hi, I am here.

Touche.

I am glad you are here.

[Amphiptere]

Thanks.