[Quanticia]

It started when my mother had a surgery for breast cancer. She was a very active person, but now her body doesn't allow her to do as many things as before. She can't play music, or do much work. She can't go to the gym and lose weight. She was already psychologically weakened, due to taking care of my bedridden grandma for years (she is dead now). So inactivity is killing her. She barely holds herself together sometimes. The rest of us are quiet nerd types so we can't easily create the energetic atmosphere she suddenly needs.
Also, my father won't understand the size of the problem, thinks she's over-reacting...and sounds like he's starting to give up on her case. If they went out sometimes it would help, but we're pretty poor, so it's not easy to find great stuff for them to do together outside the house. My bro is in his teens, and studying for uni entrance exams. He's really loud and often quarrels badly with my mother, despite actually loving her (it's how he is) Seeking chances for quarrel for silly things, never taking a step back, and not understanding she really can't take it anymore after the surgery (I find her secretly crying after some quarrels) Me and mom have tried to talk to both separately bot none of them understand.

I'm really worried about my mother, she sometimes sounds like she wants out. But I don't know how to make others understand and listen. And we can't just create a lively atmosphere in the house 24/7. What can I do?

[kaliope]

well it would help if your mother were in counseling to deal with the depression and her lifestyle change. it cant be up to you to fix her. she needs to look at her life in a different way. life around her hasn't changed. her life has and she needs to adjust to that. it is her difficulty in adjusting that is causing her depression and hopelessness. she needs coping skills. a counselor could help her with this. take care.

Hello Quanticia: A bout with cancer can change everything. Although I've struggled secretly with mental health issues all of my life, my public downward spiral began following a bout with cancer. So I have some idea of what your mother has experienced.

It's so unfortunate your father & brother treat your mom the way they do. She needs support not abandonment & criticism. But, I have to say it is not your responsibility to save your family. I hope you know that. You have your own life to lead & falling into the trap of feeling like it's up to you to save the family can be the beginning of your own downward spiral.

Of course, I do understand you want to do what you can to help. I think the things you can do are to be present to talk with your mother about how she's feeling (both physically & mentally.) Perhaps you could take her out for an occasional walk or to lunch. Also, perhaps, if she has some interests such as cooking, gardening, or whatever, & you could share these with her.

I recall reading in a book by Parker J. Palmer where he wrote about a time in his own life when he was overwhelmed with depression. Nothing anyone could say or do seemed to help until a neighbor came over to visit. The neighbor massaged Palmer's feet & just spoke softly about how Palmer seemed to be doing that day. Palmer observed that this neighbor had found the only place left on Palmer's body where Palmer could still feel anything... his feet.

And while I'm on the subject of Parker J. Palmer, in another of Palmer's books, he writes about how one person can never truly understand what's going on inside another person. We're just too complex for that. As a result, all one person can do for another is to be present & to provide support for the person to heal herself. I believe this is true for your mother, & for your relationship with you mother, as well. Be present, be supportive, look for things you can do to support your mother. But, at the same time, understand it is not your job to heal the family, & you cannot heal your mother under any circumstances.

Oh... one more thought... one thing that might help would be if there were some kind of support group for cancer survivors, particularly breast cancer survivors. These kinds of opportunities can be wonderfully supportive & healing. And there might be opportunities for you to participate along with your mother as well. My best wishes to you...

[Fuzzybear]

[Quanticia]

Thank you for your replies

Kaliope-she is seeing a therapist, who does some talk but is also prescribing medicine to help her condition. She takes a lot of medicines, for after-cancer protection plus the psychological ones. She cannot cope without them, but having to eat many pills isn't the most pleasant thing. Her character has always been a very lively one, so I do hope she'll find a way to adapt to her new life without getting worse.

Skeezyks-this is actually very helpful, and something to keep in mind. Becoming depressed myself won't improve things, I already struggle like hell to take care of my life. Mother is also very worried she's becoming a bad influence. I'll take one step at the time and try various little things that may lighten the air. About cancer survivor groups...I thought about it, but I'm not too sure. What I mean: my mother is highly sensitive to what others go through, and is also trying to leave the "hospital months" far behind in memory, and might become more depressed. I wonder, though.

Fuzzybear (what a cute name!) <3 <3 <3