[IDK_Anymore]

It's now day 6! And I'm still in bed! Hundreds of things whirling around in my head!
So much to do and so much to think about!
I can't even muster the motivation to brush my teeth let alone have the physical and mental strength to achieve all that needs to be!

The crying has stopped somewhat the guilt now overwhelming effects that I just want to scream to myself to get up and get on!!

How? HOW?? I can't even acknowledge that my family are here, let alone have a civil conversation with them!!

I want this to stop now!!!!

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[Greenfins7]

Try drinking orange juice. That always gets me out of bed! Cheers!

[Frankbtl]

Hi IDK Anymore, it sounds like you're going through a real hard time and maybe completely feeling overwhelmed??
Do you think maybe you're trying to push yourself a bit far...........thinking of things you "should" be doing with achieving "all that needs to be" and even having "a civil conversation" with your family. Stuff like that may seem "the norm" and "Why can't I do something as simple as...........??" but even brushing your teeth can seem like climbing a mountain/be a massive achievement in itself when your energy level/motivation is completely crashed and............when depression steps in.
So perhaps keep turning all the focus you can to just......getting up and cleaning your teeth??.......any other thoughts just try to override them as much as you can.........and even tell yourself if you can manage cleaning your teeth you can, if you need to, go back to bed afterwards. Maybe you can take things a step further and follow on with something else, maybe you can manage to do something else later on...........but if that's all you can do it is still a massive achievement and something to hopefully be built on.
But please try to ask your family to get you some help with this.........a call to the doctor??
I hope you don't mind but I checked out another of your threads and........already the possibility of bipolar??? I might be completely wrong but maybe check up some information on mixed states in relation to this??? Maybe you're experiencing depression with elements of hypermania at the same time??? Like I said I might be completely wrong but...........???
And..........back to a call to the doctor...........the doctor may be able to speed up your visit from your mental health worker and/or change your medication. Really important you get the help you need though. So please don't let up on trying to get that.
And keep on talking to us as well, OK??!! We're here for you...........you don't have to try going this alone.

Alison

[IDK_Anymore]

Thank you so much Alison, you truly don't understand how much your message means to me, you've pretty much hit the nail on the head.

This is what I'm so confused about right now, as I've had depression for many years, and felt completely useless, even to the extent of not eating.... However this time round my eating habits haven't changed, if anything I want more food! And I have this energy running through my body like it's running through my veins, but with no energy to use it? It sounds completely contradictory I know?

I really feel like I'm losing it this time

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[Frankbtl]

Hi IDK Anymore, "Technically" it might sound contradictory but it is very real, right??!!
Depression is going to completely zap you and alongside the feelings/thoughts/urges........that come along with mania it's got to be exhausting and adding to the depression as well, but the feelings/thoughts............don't stop, right??
And I can understand if everything feels like it's completely out of control/out of your control, like a roller coaster you just can't get off although it's completely exhausting you..........and with all the feelings attached BUT for now let's be focusing in on the things that are worst for you, hey??
Forget about just wanting it to stop for now and maybe for starters be focusing in on trying to just manage it/push through......../make things just a little easier for you.
It's OK if you can't get up/do.........right now, that's fine, you're coping with a lot........for now just start with a little easier, hey?? The thoughts/feelings (and different things work for different people)...........could you release some of their energy by writing down everything you're feeling/thinking..........or maybe have some repetitive sound going to try to focus more/zone in on that than the thoughts/feelings..........or (put on some headphones!!) listen to some loud music to try and "drown out" some of the thoughts/feelings................or think of a mantra to keep on and on reciting.........maybe mindfulness would help or something relaxing.........maybe turn the lights down/take away anything stimulating..........and there will be more things you can experiment with..........now do not give up if some of those things aren't working almost straight away, they probably won't, but keep on and on trying with them. Keep on hanging in there.
It can be controlable remember........might mean just doing what you can right now to get by........bit by bit........hour by hour, but there are going to be ways of making it easier, in making things even better for you, and in making it to the other side........things you're doing, support, help from professionals, they are going to add up. Just try to focus on the way ahead, OK??!!

Alison

[IDK_Anymore]

Yes it is very real!! Trying to explain it someone (my sister) it just sounds completely ridiculous, very strange/odd/weird. I'm very lucky though in the sense that My Sister does not feel this is weird, well she doesn't say it anyway... She is very supportive and has somewhat been my rock for some time, and although she is younger than me, she has looked after me in times of despair. And is completely not judgemental in anyway.
She wants to come with me next time I see my doctor which is in 2weeks to see if upping my antidepressants has helped in anyway... As she herself believes it's just more than depression, and she hoping that giving insight as to what it was like living with an older sister the way I am may help more.

As for your advice in trying ways to alleviate some of the "pains" I call it pain as I don't know what else to call it? I have been trying things to distract myself from it. From writing things down (I now have a diary) and also distracting my mind with phone app games... This is very useful as I can still stay in bed and do this.

Once again thank you so much for understanding. What a relief it is that someone knows/understands that I'm not just making this all up. As you said... It's completely real!!

back at you.

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[Frankbtl]

Hi IDK Anymore, trust me there will be plenty of people out there who are going to understand, or at least get a feeling, of how hard it must be for you, and they're not going to be hearing anything ridiculous/strange/odd or weird in what you're saying/feeling
So don't feel you have to "over explain" or make it make sense, it does make sense........so just tell it as it is, hey??
And it's really good that you have a sister who understands and wants to understand more. Perhaps you can work together as a team in fighting this, finding a way, with help, through this. It sounds like you care a lot about her, and that she cares a lot about you too.
And for the distracting yourself bit........maybe write down/keep to hand a list of things that can help you, to focus on when things start to get overwhelming and try to get in there with something as soon as you can???
And maybe.......if there's a bit of a pattern as to when you're slipping/things are on their way to getting "bad", you could be trying to identify that e.g. I'm starting to get hot, my heads starting to spin, this is repetitive............whoah I'd better get in there with...........can sometimes work..............perhaps just worth a try???
I know it's got to be really hard for you though..........just don't forget you're not on your own now. And with help you can make it through this.

Alison

[IDK_Anymore]

So yesterday I have a text from my boss to see if I'll be in tomorrow... I can't do it I just can't!! I'm not ready to go back. I feel so guilty for letting these guys down, but seriously I just can't get out of bed!
What if she thinks I'm lying and that I'm just too god damn lazy to go?? Maybe she thinks I'm making this all up? Well after all she cannot see how I'm feeling. How could I even entertain people seeing this disgusting person, old, haggard, pale, dirty, sick pile of s**t!!! That has never actually brought anything good in this world! I lie... My children are. But really what's the point if I can't even talk to them, interact with them... As I have no energy to. My poor children need decent people in their life... Stability, affection and attention!! It's really not fair on them at all!!! Why can't I just be normal, a normal human being that does these kind of things!!!
I'm such a failure to myself and everyone around me.... DISGUSTING!!

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[IDK_Anymore]

Please ignore last message... It was just my thoughts in an outburst... I didntwrite it for attention! I'm sorry

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[Fuzzybear]

[Altered Moment]

There have been so many times that I could have written your opening post. Except the crying part. I don't get that symptom. No motivation, no energy, in bed all the time, no showering, no leaving the house, suicidal thoughts. Typical severe depression for me.

Your not a failure but i know exactly how you feel. Its a very serious and debilitating disease. For me they don't last forever. Somehow I managed to keep a good job my whole life. Mainly because of a very cool boss that put up with it when I missed a lot of work. I haven't had that boss for a long time and in the real world it has effected my employment very much. That has been the hardest to deal with.

[Frankbtl]

Hi IDK Anymore, no need for apologies..........if you were thinking/if you felt that it mattered. I'm taking it you overode/overcame the "outburst"/negative feelings though????
Depression can often have you thinking the worst of the worst about everything including yourself...........but you know that doesn't make those thoughts true, right??
Still it's safe to let those thoughts/feelings out here anytime you want/need to..........and support around to help you with them.

Alison

[IDK_Anymore]

Thank you zinco.
I too have pretty much been able to keep a job all my adult life too. I was in a good job with good money and an opportunity to move up the ranks so to speak.... But then in January 2012 I was slowly going down down and further down still, it was a bit of a shock as I hadn't been that low for a couple or years previous to that. However this time it just didn't stop, and I ended up being arrested and sectioned under the mental health act, I was close to doing the unthinkable.... After time I started to build myself back up, but was unable to go back to that job, not because I didn't have that job still... It was my own insecurities about being off for so long... What would everything think?? They would have known to a certain extent as to the reason I was off for so long, and I couldn't bring myself to going back... I felt that I wouldn't be respected any longer.

Anyhow I've ended up in a dead end job, but it almost pays the bills. And I'm just angry at myself that I've let this happen again!!
This is what I was thinking earlier... However this evening I'm feeling pretty good.... I think I'm all ok now, I actually feel pretty normal. Well normal for me anyway.

I'm also glad they don't last forever for you... Is that what you tell yourself when you're going down? Do you use that as coping process?

xXx

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[IDK_Anymore]

Alison thank you thank you thank you!!
You have used so much of your time your precious time writing to me, you are amazing.
Your words and questions I answer and am trying some of the things you have suggested too.

I was able to get a sick note written by telephone call to my doctor and have an actually appointment with her on Thursday... Typical that this morning I needed the sick note to cover me, but now this evening I'm feeling ok... I've managed to do some washing and cleaning.

xXx

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[IDK_Anymore]

My point is.... To do think I should go back tomorrow?
I feel really alive this evening.

xXx

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[Altered Moment]

Originally Posted by IDK_Anymore

Thank you zinco.
I too have pretty much been able to keep a job all my adult life too. I was in a good job with good money and an opportunity to move up the ranks so to speak.... But then in January 2012 I was slowly going down down and further down still, it was a bit of a shock as I hadn't been that low for a couple or years previous to that. However this time it just didn't stop, and I ended up being arrested and sectioned under the mental health act, I was close to doing the unthinkable.... After time I started to build myself back up, but was unable to go back to that job, not because I didn't have that job still... It was my own insecurities about being off for so long... What would everything think?? They would have known to a certain extent as to the reason I was off for so long, and I couldn't bring myself to going back... I felt that I wouldn't be respected any longer.

Anyhow I've ended up in a dead end job, but it almost pays the bills. And I'm just angry at myself that I've let this happen again!!
This is what I was thinking earlier... However this evening I'm feeling pretty good.... I think I'm all ok now, I actually feel pretty normal. Well normal for me anyway.

I'm also glad they don't last forever for you... Is that what you tell yourself when you're going down? Do you use that as coping process?

xXx

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I am so glad you are feeling better. After my old cool boss closed up shop I joined the plumbing union in CA. Very good pay and benefits. The problem was that when the economy crashed it hit CA construction really bad. So work was on and off.

The last big job I was on everything was going great for nine months. Then I started going down hill. I forced myself to work each day for two months. I was getting tons of exercise at work and eating good and performing very well. Got awards. I felt it coming on and was doing my best to prevent it. It got to the point like you described and I couldn't make it in. I was totally honest with my bosses and coworkers. Had doctors notes. After three weeks they had to fire me. The time pressures on this job was horrendous. I couldn't blame them. Luckily it was an out of town contractor who had horrible management and had already fired about 50 guys for no real reason. So in the big picture and that particular job my reputation is still ok. Its different in the union in that you work for a lot of different contractors. I am in my hometown with my family and where I own a little place but I can go back if they have work. I do as much side work as I can in all the trades as I can do most of it.

So to answer the question in your last paragraph sometimes no matter what I do to prevent it it still comes on full force. Sometimes when it is moderate and I am slipping, forcing myself to do things will snap me out of it. I have been actively treating it for twenty years in all kinds of ways and have never stopped trying. But yes sometimes it is a matter of letting it run its course, often times, because nothing is working. I do tell myself it won't last forever and I know from experience it won't. Mine is very cyclical with yearly patterns. Some years are better than others. The real problem is not so much the depression but how do you manage your life in the face of it.

I am single and my daughter is 21 so that part is not as bad now. It was very difficult being a husband and father and employee and this and that with bouts of depression. I have always just done the best I could and actively treated it but it has always been a part of my life. Even gotten worse. Either I am not approaching it right or it just is what it is.

[Frankbtl]

Hi IDK Anymore, really good news that you're feeling a bit better
And no guilt about the sick note or needing any time off work OK???
Just because you may be "physically well" doesn't make things any the less real, important or debilitating than a physical ailment. In fact I'm willing to guarantee that what you've been through/might be going through is way, way above some "physical ailments" that keep people off work. And you know just reducing stress levels, with not having the responsibility of going to work/working for a little while, can sometimes help a bit in getting you in a "better place". So as much time as you need, hey??!!
And when you see your doctor, if you're feeling a bit better, no downplaying what you've been going through, OK??!!
The more information they get the better, that way if they need to be changing medications anytime they've got a better base line to go on.

Alison

[Altered Moment]

Originally Posted by IDK_Anymore

My point is.... To do think I should go back tomorrow?
I feel really alive this evening.

xXx

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If you feel good go back to work. It may very well get you over the hump and be exactly what you need. All that shame goes away. I tend to be very honest with people but it is risky. I found though that these days even the young most super macho guys on the job site were pretty understanding.

But you know what....screw what anyone else thinks. Hold your head up with no shame.

[IDK_Anymore]

Zinco.... Samething with me! I can generally go day to day with this and do what I need to do to cope with it, as it's constant. However I struggle with knowing when it's getting really bad. For example... Last Friday I went to the doctors complaining of feeling this energy running through my veins, a relatively ok weekend, and then Bam!!! Monday morning on my way to work I take the opposite route and after four hours of driving (to a well known destination) to do the unthinkable! When I got there I couldn't do what I was planning to do (luckily for me mad my family) then drove another five hours home via a different route!!! I really didn't see that one coming believe me!?

I can also relate to family too, I'm a single Mum with three children, my daughters have left home now, and my son is still with me, he's only nine, so you can imagine the guilt I'm constantly feeling for him.

I believe too that I try my best to approach it when I see it....

Do you see a therapist also?

xXx


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[IDK_Anymore]

Alison, I know you're right about not feeling guilty... However this evening I feel what I can only describe as excitement in my belly!! What the hell? And that only makes me feel guilty as I'm feeling on top of the world!! Messed up!!

As for the doctor... I will have no choice in downplaying as My Sister can read me and she knows that I can be very convincing in that way... See what I mean? She is My rock!

Thank you Alison

xXx

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[Altered Moment]

Yes i am seeing a therapist. First time in quite awhile. I have been in therapy both one on one and group a lot over the years.

That rapid cycling thing or whatever it is really throws you for a loop. I have also been getting that in recent years whereas before I never did. The whole nature of this thing has changed a lot in the last six years. Horrible anxiety when I had never experienced an ounce of anxiety in my life even in the most stress full times. I have no idea why.

[IDK_Anymore]

Zinco... Again that's the same as me.... It seems to get progressively worse? Bizarre!!

I was seeing a therapist but for other reasons, and I thought she has cured me. Obviously not hehe. I may look into group therapy, not sure if I have a local one or not!

Sorry completely random... But what time zones are you on? Like I said completely random just thought it would be nice to know?
I'm 20:02 London time.

xXx

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[IDK_Anymore]

Alison... Are you US too? Am I allowed to ask that? I'm not prying.

xXx


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[Altered Moment]

I'm on US eastern standard time. Currently 3:06 pm Michigan. Oh you are on NHS, I have heard that can be real difficult for mental health. Maybe in London service is better.

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[Altered Moment]

20:02...lol. Are you military or is that how Brits say time? 15:11 here

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