I am broken, need to talk

There is no true core mechanism of depression. It is far too complex to make such a sweeping statement.

Dear lonely-and-sad,

You are misunderstanding or mischaracterizing what I am saying, lonely and sad. I make it clear, in the above post and elsewhere, that what I am saying is a definite testable hypothesis which I happen to think is correct. Ironically, your very first sentence above IS a sweeping statement that I don't think you have any justification for.

- vital

Lol now at least you made me laugh. Normally you irritate me.

Guys, im on the edge again. Two of mine friends have busy lives and cant support me during this time when i need it the most. The girl that i had crush on, keep ignoring me and declining my offers to meet again. I decided to delete her from social network before she would delete me first. lm such a loser. I feel so attracted to girls while they always hurt me. Recently i plunged deeply in the memories of my life. It was like watching bad, ridiculous, awful and cheap movie about a awkward guy who failed every aspect of social life. After i rewatched my life, the suicide urges started to appear again. I dont want to be addicted on those stupid zoloft pills once again, but it seems like the only way. Is there anyone here who had such deadly depression and was able to escape it? Except for vital - dude, i respect you, but it seems like your depression wasnt so bad in the first place. Your thread that you keep promoting could not help me, unfortunately. But thanks anyway.

I wish I could escape it. I get the suicidal urges. As you discovered yourself there are no easy answers. The only thing that had helped me out of a severe depression is medications. Unfortunately I dont like the side effects.

In difficult, severe cases it may be useful to approach the depression from multiple angles simultaneously: talk therapy, meds, self-help, exercise, diet, sleep, therapeutic relocation or detachment (get away from significant stressors), etc.

>talk therapy
Can't afford it anymore.

>meds
Don't trust them. They are poison for mind and their positive effect is doubtful.

>self-help
My mind is stuck in self-destructive pattern. I tried to do positive affirmations, but in the end negative ones prevailed because they appear in the obsessive manner.

>exercise
I want to exercise, but lately i don't have time for it, when i coming home at evening, its so late and i don't have energy to do it. I will try to find time for it, but still there is not much possibilities.

>diet
What diet?

>sleep
There is a problem. I go to bed very late because im afraid to lie in darkness for hours and have those depressive thoughts. And instead i sit on the internet until i feel like im ready to just drop and fall asleep immediately .

>therapeutic relocation or detachment (get away from significant stressors)
Impossible. I see my ex-friend house everyday from the window.

I just looked at my old social network posts and saw the likes from my ex-account which she deleted long time ago. It hit me right in the feels. How could i lose her? Im such an idiot. No other girl will come to my life until i become wealthy and confident. It will be years of struggling, while right now i need nice girl support so much.

How do you know that meds are poison for your mind? Even though your depression seems to be caused by certain events - It sounds like you don't have much to lose to try them. Unless you already have unsuccessfully?

I was on them for 2 years, i know what im talking about. The fact itself that i have to take them again disgust me. Side effect were terrible. They were indirect reason that i ended up in this awful situation. Getting back on the phyzer hook means admitting that they won and i lost.

I've battled depression all my life, but there was a period when I was 15 when I battled with the thought of suicide. It was one of the most hellish times of my life. Basically, the thought of getting a gun and shooting myself kept pervading my thoughts, and no matter what I did I couldn't push it out. The only thing I was able to do at the time was keep resisting it. I knew that, despite the fact I had these thoughts in my head, what I had to do was just not follow through with them. Basically, I realized at the time that it's not the thought of suicide that actually kills you...you have to decide to act on that thought in order for it to happen.

Of course, I didn't know much about myself, depression, or anxiety at the time. I was basically ignorant on the subject and just sort of like a swimmer who was drowning and my only goal was to keep my head above water so that I didn't drown.

When you hit the edge like that, there's one thing that you can do above all else...and that is just remain. Just stay alive. You may not know the reason, you may not see the solution, but you keep it in your head at all times that you refuse to act on the thought.

I think if you can do that much, it will buy you the time to find things that will work for you. Just stay alive. Refuse to act on the thought. And keep searching for the way out of the darkness.

This is why there are the old sayings in English, such as, "Time heals all wounds." Then some people turn that around and say, "Time wounds all heels", meaning a person, usually a man, who acts like a "heel", an old-fashioned term for someone who acts in an ungentlemanly manner, like stealing a girlfriend, eventually will also be hurt. But in time you will eventually feel better.

It helps for me to immerse myself in literature. Short stories might be better than a long novel. There are many collections of American short stories which are poignant - they can be like an emotional workout that will make you stronger. O. Henry, Mark Twain, Dorothy Parker are some of my favorites.

Mefisto, now I understand what is going on, and why you hate that guy so much. But I wish you wouldn't believe that you'll never find another girl unless you are wealthy and confident. You will find love again, someone who deserves you because you are a good, honest and lovable person.