I think my depression hides my real feelings. It thinks it protects me. Whenever I feel rejected/hurt/angry, I feel the cloud desend like a blind being pulled to block out the sunlight. It happens so quick I'd never noticed it before. But i'm afraid to feel that real feeling inside..depression is familair almost easier to handle.

[Perna]

Hey, you gotta notice it before you can "change" it if you want. There's nothing wrong with a good protection, we need that. It's only when things aren't what we "want" that we have to change them, when they don't work. Everyone has/uses defenses, it's just whether they work the way that one wants that is important.

I used my anxiety, my portcullis-down-drawbridge-up-cue-the-hot-oil-and-alligators-in-the-moat-before-the-other-person-can-blink defenses to my advantage by realizing I'm so good at defending myself that I don't have to be afraid :-) Does that make sense? I can trust myself to close up without my even thinking of it so fast that "they" can't get me so it's okay if I experiment and risk! It's a wonderful feeling to be able to trust one's self, even one's "defenses" that we think are too much/bad.

You can "practice" exploring feelings inside your Self where others can't see, knowing if it gets too much your Self will bring the curtain down and you'll be able to rest.

Thanks Perna! Yeah I'm gonna practice digging around inside alone to see what it is I fear! I do like your defense title LOL!!

I want one now :-)

[WinterRose]

mouse - I think depression hides other emotions too and I've 'chosen' depression over the other emotions so many times that I'm not comfortable with the others. I tend to slide back into depression.

Perna - What an idea! I'd never consided that before - finding safety/comfort in my defenses. I'm going to think about that.

[Juliana]

(((Hugs)))) to you mouse. What you wrote really resonated with me. I think my depression hides my real feelings too. Some people cry a lot when they get depressed but I never cry. I don't feel much of anything. Happiness is gone, of course, but so are sadness, anger, frustration and fear. When I'm depressed, the only things I feel are pain, mental chaos and hopelessness. It's hard to work on getting myself out of depression when I can't identify any feelings, or express any feelings. Maybe if I could figure out what feelings I'm trying to avoid, I could find a better way of coping.

Thanks so much for writing that post. It gave me a lot to think about.

Thanks for the advice Perna. Very interesting. I'm going to try that!

[Flinty]

(((((Mouse))))))

I know the years that I battled with depression certainly assisted me with not feeling the full effect of my own emotions.
I used to hide from it & then focus my attention on others problems to lift me out of my depression.
I still remember the day that I broke down my security walls & actually allowed myself to feel my emotions.

Flinty

[lelem135]

I knew how you feel because some days, I dont mind that my feelings are numb, because that keeps me from getting hurt.