[favoritefountain2]

Hello Everyone,

So things have been looking up for a while despite some downturns and some stress I was having at work and at home - I was actually hopeful things were changing.

That changed today.

History: So a few weeks back I and my wife were invited to a post-thanksgiving "Friendsgiving" by a friend of mine I used to work with here in Dallas. It was really nice of him to invite us. My wife ended up having to work today, and since she doesn't drive she needs me to drive her in. Still, everything was a'okay. She wanted me to go she said - have a chance to make friends, hang out with current friends etc. We had been working on issues I had mentioned in my first post, and things were improving.

Today: So today I get the text message from my friend about what time the party was going to be. I text my wife to let her know when, and how it was going to be fun.

She has a total meltdown:

"I won't be able to get home"
"It's a waste of gas to go all the way out there (it is about thirty miles away), and we don't have the money" - NOTE: We apparently have the money for her to go buy a new dress for a work party.
"Why are you even thinking about going?"
"We have to much to clean and get done this weekend." NOTE: This means me. Not "we". She has had weeks off from work - maybe one or two shifts a week. She spends her days watching TV and complaining about the guy she had an affair with cheating on her. I've had four days off (which she complained about - though it's paid time off), and spent the past three of them cleaning.

So I'm not going to the party. Instead I'm at home furious and angry. And so then she texts me to find out if I went or not, and I say I didn't go and she's like "I'm not taking any blame for this." Like it is my fault that I wanted to spend two friggin hours hanging out with a friend.

I tried to talk to her as we had promised to always be more open about our feelings and what was going on in our heads - instead of shutting down and turning to other people, which is what almost destroyed our marriage. Instead she just mocked me for trying that, and didn't engage at all.

Sorry to unload. It was particularly frustrating for me because things were going well and now I feel like we're back eight months ago. And she's accusing me of having affairs because women I work with email me or call me to find out the status of projects we're working on together.

So out of curiosity I took the domestic abuse test on here, and scored a 23 - where a 11+ is supposed to be "find help." How accurate is that test? Is this something I should be addressing? It isn't like I could just leave anyway - almost all of the finances are in my name, including cards that are almost maxed due to medical and moving expenses. Combined with rent having gone up I'm not in a place financially where I could just walk away. So I feel trapped, frustrated, and really sad. I feel a new depression coming on wanted to say something here. I find here helps. It gives me an outlet which isn't punching something metal (which I haven't done, though I had an urge to do so). Thank you for listening.

[Clara22]

Hi,
I am sorry you are Going through this. I do not know about the test buy i wonder why you needed to text Her with the info of the party so diligently if she wasn't going. Sorry if this is a silly question but are you afraid of her?

[favoritefountain2]

That's a hard question. I think yes. At least of her anger. I always feel guilty about everything and hate that everything somehow magically becomes my fault. I'm also a bit slow to formulate my thoughts so she starts this rapid fire accusation list and I can't keep up and then I shut down.

[Clara22]

I can picture that! Also, you treat others with consideration and she is taking advantage of it.
Because of the fear, I think it is an abusive relationship, I do not know how you can change the situation if not getting out of the relationship. But I am not an expert

It is an abuse of you in that it's a violation of your personal boundaries with regard to respect. Maybe have a talk with her, consider therapy and in the interim come up with a list of personal boundaries and stick to them. She sounds a bit manipulative and this may be the best course of action.

[tallulahxoxo]

I'm sorry you're going through that. That's sad. I don't think you should have to deal with that. It does sound abusive. And she had an affair? I'd leave even if it meant sleeping on a couch awhile.. Sounds like you're a nice person who can do a lot better.

[favoritefountain2]

Update: So yesterday, when I went to go pick her up at work she tried to act all cute and loving in the car. And I kind of lost it. I became so angry that I just told her off - I wasn't screaming, or throwing anything like that. I didn't punch anything metal either (which is kind of a growth for me, as I usually handle frustration by punching metal or stone). Instead, I told her I was upset and outlined why. I told her she had promised to be more considerate and agree that we would talk things out - not issue threats and ultimatums.

She apologized. She didn't make excuses. She said I was right and that her behavior was deplorable.

Still, the process of all the above was exhausting. At the same time, I'm really glad I did it. She was going to ignore the whole incident, push it down, and I made sure that we talked about it and I expressed my anger. It was hard for me. Very hard.