[Kingofpain]

I guess I'll introduce myself, firstly.
My first name is C and I'm from a little city in the suburbs. I've lived here all my life currently and do have some desire to move to other states.
I started noticing symptoms of depression when I was 13. At first, the doctors, parents, and myself were convinced that it was "just a phase". I was hormonal and exceptionally high on the emotional level, as teenage boys "just are". At 16/17, I was diagnosed by a Psychologist that I had clinical depression. From then on, it has become increasingly worse.

Personality wise, I'm a socially inept genius who doesn't hang around people much. I feel emotions deeper than most and tend to be a bit idealistic. I'm also a writer. I don't have a lot of friends in the same state and I've lost so many people because of Depression..I've lost count. Once people get to know me and how terrible I am or can be, they get rid of me forever. I guess I'm just unlikable. I mean, I am emotionally unstable and pessimistic to say the least. I have a good side, but my bad side is pretty large.

Everyday feels about the same. I lie restlessly playing games on my computer to shut out the horrible childhood I had to endure. I've been doing games to feel better since I first started playing them on the 90's dell we had. I lock myself in my room for hours on end with no human contact so I can feel secure. I don't take care of myself as I should and tend to eat out of frustration/depression rather than being productive. I also have problems with common every day practices and tend to ignore them.

I really don't know how I made it through High school. I never did my work, I was late, I played hooky, and was just not the ideal student. I went to College and learned that the same philosophy doesn't work there. I flunked College twice and got a friendly suspension from the dean. The reason why I failed was I lack motivation and positive inward energy. I can never believe in myself no matter how others can. I feel like I'm waist of space and a life and that The Universe put me here by accident. I see others already getting married and getting their lives together, but I cannot. I cannot amount myself to do something great because I don't believe in myself. I always put things off to the last minute or not do them for months on end, depending. For the longest time I was in a destructive family and now that the storms over with, after 21 years of it, I'm still tossing like some boat in the ocean.

I've come to the belief that I'm trapped. People always say to me, "Well another door will open." and I can't help but think that this hallway is a long and dark one. I feel broken like a vase and even though I try to pick up these pieces, I end up bleeding and putting them where I find them. I wish I could see where it will get better, but so far it has not. I'm broke, jobless, and certainly not anywhere near the college degree I want. I feel everyday is another painful mess that I have to deal with.

I really need some advice and help. If you have any methods of enabling positive thinking or coming out of this, it would be welcomed. Also, hugs and kisses are welcomed too. Thanks for reading.

[waterknob1234]

Hi Kingofpain, welcome to pc. First, I don't think you are a bad person or a "waste of space". In my mind it seems that you have not found your calling yet. An emotionally difficult childhood past can haunt us. It's a matter of overcoming bad memories.

Have you seen a therapist or psych doc? If not, this might be something helpful.

You mentioned that you are a writer. Have you ever tried to get anything you have written published?

You get plenty of love and hugs from me.

Hello Kingofpain: Welcome to PsychCentral. PC is a great place to gain support, learn strategies for handling mental health concerns, & to make internet friends. There are many wonderfully supportive members here on PsychCentral.

You know, digging oneself out of the kind of depression it sounds like you are in is a big job. I think the support you will get here on PC will be very helpful. But really, what you need to do (assuming you are not already doing it) is to be seeing a skilled therapist. This person can help you to understand what is going on with you, why it is you do (or don't do) what you do, & how to develop a plan for getting your life back.

I could describe for you what I do to address my depression. But chances are it won't be of any interest or of any consequence to you in your particular situation. Everyone is different & what makes sense to one person frequently is of no consequence at all to someone else.

All new members' first 5 posts are reviewed before they become available for viewing by the community. So there may be a delay between the time that you submit your first 5 posts & the point at which they become available for viewing. However, once these initial posts have been reviewed & approved, your posts will become available for viewing as soon as you click the submit button.

There are quite a few forums in which you will be able to post. If you have not already done so, be sure to look through the listing in the Forum Index:

http://forums.psychcentral.com/

Each forum is listed in the Index along with a brief description of it's purpose.

Also, once your first 5 posts have been reviewed & approved, you will be able to participate in our chat rooms where you'll have the opportunity to correspond with other PC members in real time. These chat rooms are listed on the community calendar showing the dates & times they meet:

Forums at Psych Central - Calendar

Should you have any questions or concerns, feel free to contact any member of the Community Liaison Team. Best wishes...