[Rose76]

I'm demoralized with trying to be supportive of my s/o who is in failing health. Yesterday I took him shopping and did a bit of housework for him. He gets upset easily and flies off the handle at me. I feel depleted and just don't want to go to his place anymore.

Maybe I'll get over it and wind up back there in a few days, doing what I normally do. This feels different from my usual fed up with things mood. I don't have any interest in my life or his life.

Usually, when I get really down, I expect that it will pass, and it does. Being depressed often means believing that feeling down won't pass. But that's how I feel.

I am in between pdocs at where I get my psych care. I mailed a note to my regular doc, my PCP, saying that I have gotten very down. I don't expect to hear anything back from him. I don't expect there to be any help for me.

I don't want to even open the door to get my mail. I know you have to make yourself do things when you don't feel like it, but I'm not managing to do that.

[jelly-bean]

I am so sorry that you are in such a bad place right now. It is hard to understand why someone you care about can treat you so badly but most of the time there are reasons for it and the person who does it is not really aware that he has done anything wrong. You say your s/o is in failing health and this is just a guess but I bet your he is very frightened. I am not excusing the behavior but I want you to know that it is not your fault. If you don't want to go visit any more then stay home. Maybe he will call you and want you to come back. If he does then you need to point out the reason for you staying away and maybe he will understand and things will get better for you.

[Altered Moment]

I know your care taking role really takes it's tole on you. I am sorry you are so down.

The one thing we really have to force ourselves to do is follow through on our treatment. Show up for appointments with T's and pdocs. If you took him shopping and did house work then you can get your mail and get in to see your pdoc. I absolutely know how it feels when you think nothing will work, whats the point, there is no hope anyway.

[hannabee]

I'm trying to be kind, but I'm wondering why you let him fly off the handle at you? You do an awful lot for this man, with no help from his spoiled children, how is that fair? I think Jelly Bean is right, don't go for a bit and see if he decides to stop biting the hand that feeds him.
We are all going to die and for most of us it will mean failing health. But that doesn't give anyone free rein to mistreat others, does it?
Big hug!

[TheOriginalMe]

Depression is doubly hard when you don't have the right professional support network. I have found that just getting into the system with a pdoc and a nurse has helped me through even though they haven't made any changes to my meds and I don't start therapy until the New Year. Do whatever it takes to get the right support for you, even if that means putting your s/o second for a while.

[Clara22]

Hi Rose,
I think respite is something necessary for caretakers, so some days off will not be a punishment for him but a deserved relief for you.
Hugs,

[Rose76]

Thanks for the good advice.

I've been keeping the TV on all the time. When I go into the bedroom for the night, I leave it on. It's like I don't feel alone in the house with it on. When I'm in a decent frame of mind, I don't need it on.

I don't have any appointment to see anyone at the psych center till sometime in January. Not that I care. If I went there sooner, they would just ask, "What is it you think we can do for you?" So it doesn't really matter.

I'm really sorry you are feeling so disheartened. You must feel so torn, wanting to be there for him and yet it is draining you. You care too much to let him be by himself too long. But he has proven to you this year that he managed to go to the store himself (if I remember correct me if I'm wrong). I know he is failing in health though and it is worse. I know you love him. I know he can't help everything that is going on with the dementia.
If you don't take it easy on yourself you wont be there for him at all. I know that isn't what you want. I haven't heard about you doing anything for YOU. Please, think about something that would comfort you. I know you are in pain physically as well, but please find something that will give you some joy. Maybe start (if you haven't yet), putting up decorations. You can cook, maybe make something sweet and tasty. I made a marble cake yesterday and the smell was wonderful in here.
sending you good thoughts and hope you feel a little better tomorrow.

[hannabee]

Oh Rose, I'm sorry I guess I didn't realize the dementia part...that can really make someone behave in a manner we're not accustomed to. My FIL had it and was forever mistreating his dear wife of 45 years. So sad and hard to handle. I agree with the others, try to do something nice for yourself and soon!

[Rose76]

Thank you for the encouragement. He is not as helpless as I sometimes think. He'll be okay for a few days, while I stay home.

I don't think it is all about him. I think I am depressed for a few reasons, some of which are not about him.

I don't have a doctor I trust. I would be afraid to tell my doctor that I am depressed because that might cause him to discontinue my pain med, which is Vicodin. He changes my meds suddenly and unexpectedly. I'm getting to hate going to see him, which I do every 3 months. I tell myself that there is nothing any doctor can do for me. I've tried all different meds and only one helps which I am taking for many years. So I say there is no point to talking to a doctor about my state of mind.

[hannabee]

Well I can understand the dilemma. I wouldn't want to risk losing pain meds either. Have you ever tried S-ame? It may just be the placebo effect for me, but I do swear it works.