[ShantheArtist23]

So my brother is severley autistic. Non-verbal except for a couple key words like "Juice, milk, sit, stairs, Blue's Clues". He's very smart. I'm not saying anything like "Oh, he's stupid" because he's not. But there's always going to be a part of me that resents him... and for that I feel really bad.
In 8th grade my brother started hitting himself when he was angry, to the point of blood and bruises and black eyes- all by HIM. The aids and teachers thought my sister and I could handle staying home with him one morning because he couldn't ride the bus any longer because of the hitting. Well, he went absolutely beserk, busted open his lip and gave himself two black eyes and traumatized both me and my sister. I hated them for making us do that, and they went behind my mom's back and alternated between my sister and I to stay home with him after school- they took us from school EARLY just to go stay home with our psychotic brother.
I shouldn't let this stuff still be getting to me. But his being is just a constant reminder to everything they've made us do. Everytime he gets mad and screams bloody murder, it still makes me uneasy. There's no relationship at all, no matter how much I try to act like there is. In all honestly, I don't feel any connection to him. And that makes me sad because I'm kind of a bad person for that. I got him a Christmas present this year, although my mom said he doesn't understand enough. But it's just dumb because sometimes I think that it'd be better if he just "wasn't here". I used to imagine that by magic I'd just wake up and he'd be gone, and I'm such an awful person for sayying all this. But when people scold me for telling my dogs to get off of him, or making sure everythings correct so that he won't go insane, I get furious because they don't know how psychotic he can be.
I'm not sure if anyone else on here has experienced anything like this, but this is just kind of dumb. Sorry. :/ Rant.

[kaliope]

it is ok that you want to rant and get these feelings out. it is understandable that you feel this way. it is not fair that you are being asked to give up your childhood to do an adult job and take care of a severely ill child. it really isnt. this burden should not be yours. you have ever right to feel resentful.

[Clara22]

It is very common in siblings of children with disabilities. I have a disability myself and it is painful to see how that affected my family, particularly my siblings. I acquired my disability when I was 17.
On the other hand, my brother has serious mental health issues and sometimes like you I think of how easier my life would be if he were dead. And sometimes I get angry because my mom, dad, and sister have already passed away and I am the only one dealing with my brother.
Therapy is helping me to manage my feelings and interact in a way that is acceptable (according with my principles and ethics).
It is not easy, but there is hope.