How my day starts.

Got a 7am wake up from my mom calling mr loser useless and waste of space.
Went to school came back 4h later and my dad walked into my room and called me ugly and disgusting.

Don't even care anymore, just sitting here hoping for an earthquick to take me out.

some parents don't deserve children.

that is all i'm saying

i hope your day gets better

Imagine that a person you cared for told you what you just told us. What would you say to that person? And then say those things to yourself. Sometimes we have to be our own heroes and our own support-system. Can you seek professional help from someone? Is there a school-nurse you could contact? They are trained to help in situations like yours. You are living in a highly toxic environment. What your parents tell you is not true. Simple as that. Do your absolute best not to internalize it.

I wish, there is only 1 place in this country that cares about these things and it has like 1 doctor and 6 workers and its 10h away from me, and if i go my parents will probably disown me, having mental illness is a big disgrace in here.

Been dealing with this since i was 5 im almost 19 now, i learned how to just not care no matter how much it kills me inside

Then i am truly impressed with what an amazing and strong person you are! They do not have the power to define you. You do.

Yeah, since my depression and other problems keep me from focusing on school ill just have to live with this little longer untill i get a ticket out of this country.

Are you sure that leaving the country will actually help you? I have lived abroad, and moved around a bit. It brings with it an entirely new set of problems. The struggle of establishing oneself in a new country can make a depression far worse. I am speaking out of experience...

Well let me put it this way, im gay, in a country that supports killing gays, if i stay here i have to marry someone i dont love, work with my father for the rest of my life and have to deal with my family every single day, now ill take living behind a dumpster in any other country that doesnt have my family members in it.

I understand. How awful for you! Sounds like you might be making the right decision in leaving then, as you dont have a lot of chances to live a fulfilling life there. But still, what a painful choice you must make. However, it sounds like you are pragmatic about your situation.

Been planning for it since i was 12, im fully aware of all the choices i have and can't find any good one that involves staying

You life-journey will be an interesting one. Because you will have to take a step into the unknown, and live by your own strengths. A very brave choice.

i hope things get better for you.

pretty sure they will eventually