[herethennow]

not too good. having a really busy weekend and i dunno how to feel about it.

still feeling like wanting to end it all.

Even though I have nothing much planned for the day, I'm in a good mood because I made a discovery. My jog/walk this morning was MUCH improved. The only thing that's different is that I've eaten a lot over the past couple of days for the holidays. I had anorexia when I was younger and still have body dysmorphic disorder, which causes me to really limit my food intake so as not to gain weight. Maybe I just wasn't fueling up enough to perform.

Since I'm not working right now (and not quite yet volunteering), I really need something to make me feel like I'm accomplishing something. I really feel good about my exercise this morning. I bet if I at least eat more of a full meal the day before jogging, I will improve faster. I'm going to buy some t.v. dinners today (I only cook a "good" meal once a week) and see if eating more the day before exercising will help.

[winter4me]

Not a good day.

Originally Posted by winter4me

Not a good day.

me neither. hugs

[waterknob1234]

Life was so hectic getting ready for Christmas, but I really enjoyed Christmas this year. I enjoyed being with my children and family. I also enjoyed seeing my nephew who lives in Memphis. Overall, I had a good holiday. Now I am tired.

I wish I could get rid of nightmares though. I don't really know what causes them. I dreamed that I messed up something at work and a supervisor was angry and started lecturing me. Why do I dream this? I am not even thinking about work. I was off work yesterday enjoying Christmas, and I don't go back to work until Monday. Do I have an inner demon that is critical?

[Timothybythesea]

Guess we made it through Christmas. Now one more major depressing holiday to check off the list: New Years. I also guess with a new year coming up I should look back at my blessings for last year. The temptation is to only look at all the bad **** that happened and I guess being disowned by my daughter is bad **** but its her loss. Not sure if the reason she did it to me is because of the depression or whether it is her own craziness. Either way for right now she is almost completely out of my life. But through that loss I found a new family . . . a family of friends . . . that accept me the way I am. That is a major blessing. Another blessing is my new house. It's tiny <1000 sq feet but it is the first place I have had in 13 years. I have my dear family of friends to thank for that. Lastly I am so thankful that I have the strength to keep fighting the terrible thoughts of self injury.
Maybe this is much to long an entry for the checking in thread . . . but after a couple of weeks of hell (suicidal thoughts) I have come back into the light.

Originally Posted by waterknob1234

Life was so hectic getting ready for Christmas, but I really enjoyed Christmas this year. I enjoyed being with my children and family. I also enjoyed seeing my nephew who lives in Memphis. Overall, I had a good holiday. Now I am tired.

I wish I could get rid of nightmares though. I don't really know what causes them. I dreamed that I messed up something at work and a supervisor was angry and started lecturing me. Why do I dream this? I am not even thinking about work. I was off work yesterday enjoying Christmas, and I don't go back to work until Monday. Do I have an inner demon that is critical?

glad you had a good christmas.

relax...

their are a few days until people start planning celebrations for the new year

and i hope those night mares go away soon!

[Bark]

Originally Posted by waterknob1234

I wish I could get rid of nightmares though. I don't really know what causes them. I dreamed that I messed up something at work and a supervisor was angry and started lecturing me. Why do I dream this? I am not even thinking about work. I was off work yesterday enjoying Christmas, and I don't go back to work until Monday. Do I have an inner demon that is critical?

Same here. I regularly have dreams that disturb me in one way or the other. I keep dreaming that I'm inpatient again, or that I have studies I'm behind on. It's funny, when I was inpatient, I kept dreaming that I'd escaped somehow and had to go back.

I just sigh and thank goodness it was a dream. Sometimes I write them down. Thinking of dreams as being mostly about things I've thought of during the day or well-trodden paths in my brain helps. Still wish I could have nice dreams, though.

Well, it's post-Xmas depression again. Last night I actually felt pretty good. My parents didn't fight like I thought they were going to. I meditated for a while and went to bed. Today I feel horrible. Physically - because I have a headache, brain fog, can't focus. Mentally, because I'm once again depressed and not feeling near as well as I was last night. No doubt tonight will be a lot less peaceful than last night was...

[gayleggg]

Originally Posted by winter4me

Not a good day.

I agree. I could be hypomanic. I'm not sure if I'm depressed and anxious or just bored.

[H-H-H-H]

Does pacing count as exercise?

[Rose76]

I'm not quite keeping up with what I need do.

[TheOriginalMe]

Depression sucks. I am really miserable, plodding through the day, tears rolling down my cheeks, only briefly lifting into a mood of dull dissatisfaction from my baseline of anhedonic hopelessness. Often, I don't know why I am crying it is just the tears won't stop.

Feeling hideous. Been playing around with the webcam on my new laptop. It's a lot higher quality than the old laptop, but still it seems I can't take a good picture to save my life.

[maddnessreturns]

I've been pretty productive today which is good. I haven't had a good nights sleep in a while though. I either have nightmares or can't fall asleep due to my racing thoughts.

[Bored54]

It's weird how I can't let my guard down. Everytime someone starts a conservation with me or invites me somewhere I think that they're after something and I start to get paranoid trying to figure out what they're after.

Woke up this morning and did not have feelings of dread this time. But the feelings of dread came later on today. I kept myself busy but it didn't seem to help. I kept myself busy throughout the whole day. I worked out and it went OK. I felt like I had a slight panic attack after the workout. But I had a pretty nice dinner and it helped.

got the "depression early start" and woke up at 5am. 5 hours sleep

I'm not sleeping well, and I don't feel depressed but cry alot and feel guilty, and have problems eating again.

Yesterday was such a relatively good day but this morning I feel so uninterested in life. I'm kind of on the tired side too, although I had a solid night's sleep. I have a lack of things to do - - no, that's not true. There's a lot of different stuff I could do I guess. I just don't feel drawn to do anything. So I end up staying on the computer or reading and feeling sorry for myself because I have "nothing" to do!

Although the ECT has improved my depression a lot, it clearly lingers a bit, is the bottom line. I really hope that changes one day . . .