[Bored54]

It's weird how I can't let my guard down. Everytime someone starts a conservation with me or invites me somewhere I think that they're after something and I start to get paranoid trying to figure out what they're after.

Woke up this morning and did not have feelings of dread this time. But the feelings of dread came later on today. I kept myself busy but it didn't seem to help. I kept myself busy throughout the whole day. I worked out and it went OK. I felt like I had a slight panic attack after the workout. But I had a pretty nice dinner and it helped.

got the "depression early start" and woke up at 5am. 5 hours sleep

I'm not sleeping well, and I don't feel depressed but cry alot and feel guilty, and have problems eating again.

Yesterday was such a relatively good day but this morning I feel so uninterested in life. I'm kind of on the tired side too, although I had a solid night's sleep. I have a lack of things to do - - no, that's not true. There's a lot of different stuff I could do I guess. I just don't feel drawn to do anything. So I end up staying on the computer or reading and feeling sorry for myself because I have "nothing" to do!

Although the ECT has improved my depression a lot, it clearly lingers a bit, is the bottom line. I really hope that changes one day . . .

[Bark]

I showered! Still a bit anxious about it, but it's done.

TWTWTWTWTWTWTWTWTWTWWTWTWTWTWTWTWTW



well, i've started to have some hallucinations, hearing voices, massive self harm urges, can only move slowly, cant talk, cant sleep, trouble eating. going completely crazy this time and trapped in my head.

sadly i think it is only a matter of time before my pdoc admits me into a ward or unit.

I hate walking by the mirror in my bedroom and accidentally catching a glimpse of myself and being disgusted at the sight of me. I hate what I look like. Why did I have to be born with this face, these eyes, those lips, that body. Why me is what I'm trying to say, I guess. I could've been born as any one of the millions of beautiful, smart, and talented girls in this world. I don't want to look like a supermodel, I just want to look half-decent. Even when I fix myself up I look frumpy and the kind of girl no guy would ever acknowledge or talk to. So I never fix myself up. I never go out. Why bother, when it's always going to end up the same way? Me looking like me, and getting ignored? Why did I have to be made like this? I know what people are going to say: "Nah, you're beautiful," or "Well, surely you can't be that bad." Well, let me tell you something, the only person to ever call me beautiful - to my face, not some stranger on the internet - is my mom. And she's, well...my mom. And you know what they say about the face "only a mother could love"...I guess that's what I have.

[Angelique67]

Originally Posted by ShyPoetGirl

I hate walking by the mirror in my bedroom and accidentally catching a glimpse of myself and being disgusted at the sight of me. I hate what I look like. Why did I have to be born with this face, these eyes, those lips, that body. Why me is what I'm trying to say, I guess. I could've been born as any one of the millions of beautiful, smart, and talented girls in this world. I don't want to look like a supermodel, I just want to look half-decent. Even when I fix myself up I look frumpy and the kind of girl no guy would ever acknowledge or talk to. So I never fix myself up. I never go out. Why bother, when it's always going to end up the same way? Me looking like me, and getting ignored? Why did I have to be made like this? I know what people are going to say: "Nah, you're beautiful," or "Well, surely you can't be that bad." Well, let me tell you something, the only person to ever call me beautiful - to my face, not some stranger on the internet - is my mom. And she's, well...my mom. And you know what they say about the face "only a mother could love"...I guess that's what I have.

Well my mom never told me I was pretty or beautiful, but I wasn't that bad when I was young. I realized in my 20s there's no such thing as an ugly young person. So it's not possible you're as bad as you think. I know you'll disagree though. I wish you felt differently about yourself. Hugs.

[waterknob1234]

Originally Posted by Rose76

I'm not quite keeping up with what I need do.

I never come close to keeping up with what I need to do. You are not alone.

Originally Posted by Angelique67

Well my mom never told me I was pretty or beautiful, but I wasn't that bad when I was young. I realized in my 20s there's no such thing as an ugly young person. So it's not possible you're as bad as you think. I know you'll disagree though. I wish you felt differently about yourself. Hugs.

"There's no such thing as an ugly young person."

You asked for it.



EW EW EW EW EW

Now THAT is a face only a mother could love.

[Angelique67]

Originally Posted by ShyPoetGirl

"There's no such thing as an ugly young person."

You asked for it.



EW EW EW EW EW

Now THAT is a face only a mother could love.

Not at all, you aren't ugly! You do look depressed though. That will always effect how you feel about yourself. My opinion stands, there's no such thing as an ugly young person.

Originally Posted by ShyPoetGirl

Now THAT is a face only a mother could love.

You are not ugly. I mean that, that's what I think. I actually think you're very pretty.

[mindless.mutilation]

bout as good as it gets for 3:37am. Gotta love them irregular sleeping patterns.

Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk

[mindless.mutilation]

EW EW EW EW EW

Now THAT is a face only a mother could love.[/QUOTE]

hey! your not ugly at all!!! Besides, you have some awesome music taste if those pictures in the background are yours!

Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk

ShyPoetGirl, you have very pretty hair and eyes. You do look depressed. take care of yourself. you are not ugly at all, I promise you.

[Clara22]

Originally Posted by ShyPoetGirl

"There's no such thing as an ugly young person."

You asked for it.



EW EW EW EW EW

Now THAT is a face only a mother could love.

In fact, you have very good features. This is from somebody that used to do make-up for quinceañeras

You guys...

[Rose76]

I feel just awful.

Today was a totally free day for me, much like Christmas Day was. I had done all of my errands and domestic things yesterday. I didn't have any plans for today. I decided to call my friend up. He didn't have anything to do either. So we just had coffee and lunch together. It was nothing much and definitely not expensive. It was nice being with him for a little bit.

At the end of our time together we talked about depression. I felt like I had to explain what it's about. He has general knowledge of what depression is about. But he does not understand what it feels like to go through it.

As I was leaving him he said, "I'm so sorry that you are troubled and unhappy with life". I was baffled when he said that. I feel depressed, but I don't feel totally unhappy with life (if that makes any sense). I guess he was right at what he said, but I didn't particularly liked hearing that.

[TheOriginalMe]

I reached dull disillusionment today, it is almost down there with apathy, just less consuming. Winter has arrived, cold frosts and a few flurries of snow, I'm still finding the cold intensely painful, as though it is much colder than it really is.

[Turtlesoup]

Sigh-this is such a hard time of the year. I am thankful that today I'm not feeling depressed-sometimes mine comes from out of nowhere & at others it just kinda sneaks up on me. ShyPoetGirl I hate looking in the mirror too...a lot. When others tell me I look nice or whatever I never believe them-but I get that's my depression making me feel all crappy so sometimes I dress up & get in front of the mirror & sort of taunt my depression-I say goofy stuff like "you suck depression" & "Bite my #&!-it's really dumb but for me a lot of times it makes me laugh cause I think that "normal" people don't get to have fun flipping off their depression in the mirror which usually leads to me feeling at least a little better. Please take care & enjoy your new laptop

[dandylin]

Helpless against this wave

After I got home from being with my friend today, he called me to apologize about what he said at the end of my visit (I have that on my previous post). It was really nice of him.

Did not do much after I got home. Just took a one hour bike ride and nothing else after that. I didn't hear much from anyone else. I guess that this is the night I want to get through.

[ThoughtfulNightOwl]

Admittedly *****y without good reason. It wasn't a bad day at work. I'm not in a lot of physical pain. I am physically sick (I think it's either a cold or bronchitis.) but not feeling well usually makes me more docile. And tired. Very tired.