[Rose76]

I got a lot done today. Using my time constructively seems to be the best thing for avoiding feeling depressed. I'm doing good and hope this lasts for awhile.

[Bark]

Last night I felt the thoughts coming strongly, so I slept. Made for some really bad dreams. Now I feel... blah. Don't tell me I only get a few days relief from depression... I want a break... so many stressors now that I can't afford to be depressed....

Better do the dishes... but meh... maybe I'll have cereal with a fork... I've done worse... the dishes can wait... I have lots else to do today....

Trying to stay positive

[seeminglyreal]

I feel empty but overflowing.

[herethennow]

can i just skip pdoc's appt and pretend i am fine and jolly and happy

screwed up at work again today.
i hate myself.

Today I don't feel like doing anything at all. Depression is bad. I even have a horseback riding lesson scheduled for this afternoon but don't really feel like going to that. Just want to curl up in a ball and disappear. Hate feeling this way. I will go, though, because I know it would be good for me and I get so sick of hanging around the house.

Tired of the same old routine but don't know how to change it. Just one of those days I guess . . .

[tigersassy]

My depression has been at rest for several a while now. I'm to the point where I'm saying the meds are working. Really want off the seroquel, but don't fix it if it ain't broken. I still have moments of crushing sadness, but they aren't detrimental and I can normally pull my way out. I'm good. I'm going to pull away from my mental health care team I think. I need to have a healthy distance. No matter what my reasons are right?

[Angelique67]

I'm depressed but my anxiety is even worse. It keeps me from trying to do anything which in turn feeds the depression. There's something I have to set up here, a gift, and it's a big source of stress at the moment.

I haven't slept well so had to undo the hard work of taking less meds and took some this afternoon and had a nap. I realize these meds are not helping the depressed feeling at all. I've been cutting down on the quetiapine and diazepam, as my kidneys seem to be overloaded with meds (puffy cheeks, high blood pressure, etc.)

This is silly, but the weather has me down, I need groceries but I'm feeling sick and don't want to walk out there, it is the coldest spell we've had so far. So, knowing that task is inevitable, and also the man I hoped was there for me, isn't, has got me feeling not so hot.

My son is also being very difficult, and with lack of things to do with family day coming up, my dad being too ill to drive around here and having no way to get out this weekend, other than walking in extreme cold, I'm not too happy with life at the moment.

Sorry I'm not huggy to people, but I do listen. I think sometimes I wish I could make all of your hurting disappear, I really do. I've been so down in that hole that I gave up, but I'm NOT going there again. No matter what, my two sons mean more than that. My older boy is doing ok, and he does have faith in me, so that helped to get a call from him a few days ago. I do think I did something right when I had him, he's tough, doing well, so that gives me hope.

Funny how much control the people closest to us seem to have in our lives. But I realize the only one responsible for my own feelings is me. That's a hard pill to swallow, but no one else can change my life. They influence it, if I let them, but it is up to me to do the work. I have to step up to the plate now.

I want my career back, I want my son to get a better education despite his disabilities, I want to be healthier... I want to stop obsessing over what just isn't going to happen in my life. Accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference... just came to mind. This moment in time I'm not feeling good at all, I feel like I'm regressing to old patterns, and it isn't good after the better part of a year spent in therapy.

[TheOriginalMe]

I don't know where I am today, I feel very lost. I should be content that I made an effort and met one or two nice people, instead I feel useless, hopeless and worthless. Sorry, I'm not good company now.

[dandylin]

Husband is slowly improving. Taking the afternoon off to just sit for a few hours. Back to the hospital in the morning

[color14u]

I'm not sure how I feel right now. I'm sick and tired of taking care of everyone. My "stay at home" husband doesn't think he needs to clean and do laundry. Hmmm what does a stay at home husband do then??? It use to bother me before, but now since I can't walk I can't pick up the slack. He was perfectly okay with me working two jobs and now we are faced with the fact that I may not be able to work any and he keeps acting like it's my responsibility to fix it. I'm just tired. He hid my car keys so I couldn't drive. The Doc said I could...I just need to find the keys and leave. I would but I have a very sensitive 14 year old still living at home. Sorry for the rant. No one needs to hear all of this. We all have our own problems. Hugs to all and again sorry

I'm having very peculiar feelings today that are setting off depression. I feel as though I'm from a different time and place and should be there instead of here. I just don't belong in my generation. This is leaving me with very intense feelings of loneliness and isolation that I can't shake off. It hurts. I feel like I will just never connect with others my age, and this destroys a lot of opportunities for me - friendships, romantic relationships... all are impossible, unless I can somehow 'get over' this (which I don't see how I can). I feel like a true freak... needless to say, this Valentine's day will be a very difficult one for me to stomach...

[Rose76]

I am doing really good at present. If I could just stay like this, I'ld have a good life.

[Angelique67]

I have a horrible sense of doom. Everything is as I don't want it to be, my body, my apartment, my whole life. I don't know what to do to make changes with my back this bad. I'm so heavy that my efforts at exercise in here don't seem to pay off. But I'm not consistent enough due to the horrible coldness in here this winter. All the layers make fast walking through narrow paths impossible. I just am so miserable and unhappy.

[magical loser]

realising theres no point of trying to improve myself... i cant be healthy, no matter what i do or how hard i try im still stuck here and cant sleep...

tonight i have to stay up all night with white noise blasting in my ears at full volume and its STILL not enough to drown the noise out. i also have to stay up on wed night because i need to go out at 8.30

with this much sleep deprivation (caused by others not me) how can i possibly be healthy? why bother? i give up...

[Turtlesoup]

Slept well last night but got up a little too early so I indulged in a rare nap. Had a really good day & did much better voicing my feelings. It was so gorgeous here today when we went on a hike & saw the most beautiful birds-it was very serene & I thought wow I'm glad I'm here to enjoy this day. My heart goes out to all here who are struggling-sending you lots of positive energy & cyber hugs Take care all.

[herethennow]

pdoc and T appt coming up soon and i feel like i should lie to get off their backs.

i miss stability.

Second day in a row of feeling really depressed. I'm so tired of feeling like this. Life is such a struggle. I have to force myself to do everything. We're going to a movie and out to dinner later on but in the meantime I'm at such a loss. I long for the days when life was enjoyable and I looked forward to getting out of bed and living life.

[Bark]

Had an orange and a few nuts because they were right next to me. Making a sandwich takes too much effort.

Don't feel like doing anything. Just trying to distract myself. Every time I sit with my feelings the thoughts come back and I can't handle them. I don't trust myself to tackle them head on because I might end up feeling even worse.

Need to study. As usual. If I can get myself to eat then that might help. As it is I don't have the energy to do anything, including preparing food, which means I'm going to have even less energy. I need to push myself.

I don't want to sleep (which in a way is nice; I'm not as sleepy as I used to be), but staying awake feels like torture. My brain won't shut up.