[B1005255]

Just as a preface before I start this post, I'd like to remind you that you are under no obligation to reply or even read this. Anything you do should be of your conscious, willing decision and not entirely influenced by my words.

I'm never been officially diagnosed with depression, but I feel it all the same. I suppose if I want to get to the root of these feelings I should just start from the beginning. For the past few years of my life, I've been gradually sinking into depression. The main cause of this, or so I believe, is self esteem. My self esteem is very unstable and fragile. Even the slightest mistake or superiority found in another person can crush me, reducing me to a vulnerable state of constant apologies, crying, and general submissive and sheepish behavior. This crushed state, which I currently occupy, is very painful for me to experience. Every action I take, every word I speak and breath I take is filled with anxiety and uncertainty. I don't want or even hate to make decisions on my own, opting to do nothing rather than decide on something to do. The only positive emotion I feel is the relief of a deep sleep after one of these days. Only then can I rest and take a break from the unpleasant activity of my brain. I do have an active therapist, but I never say anything to him. I'm so shy, so... afraid, that I just can't get the words to come out. Sometimes I start to think that I don't deserve relief from my symptoms, that the way I feel is somehow a justified punishment for my actions. Even though I may never be happy again, I can accept my situation and hope that someone else can be. Thank you for your time.

[waterknob1234]

Hi B1005255. Welcome to pc. Having your self-esteem go to rock bottom often seems to go along with depression. I understand what you are going thru because I have felt like this so often. I am my own worst critic and it doesn't take much criticism to crush me.

I can see that you are very good at writing down your feelings. Suggestion? Try copying this post, or writing down your feelings, problems, and difficulties before going to see your therapist. Then bring what you have written to your therapist. This might be helpful. I get flustered when I go to the doctor and forget to mention things that are important, so I make a list beforehand and it helps.

Once again, welcome. Best of wishes to you.

[Rohag]

Originally Posted by B1005255

Even the slightest mistake or superiority found in another person can crush me, reducing me to a vulnerable state of constant apologies, crying, and general submissive and sheepish behavior.

If I were a psychologist (I'm not), knowing this about you would make me want to look carefully at your upbringing. Have you discussed anything about your childhood with your current therapist?

[ayana95]

Hi, Welcome
I also suffer from self esteem issues. it's hard for me to tell my self positive affirmations and really believe them. Maybe it's because I don't have many people in my life that truly care about me.
I hope you will be able to open up to your therapist. They are there to listen without judgment.

i hope you keep us posted with how things progress for you.

we're always here listening and ready to help