[lifeath]

This is a letter I wrote about my mother Angela who was never a mother. The one who never wanted her three children. The one who was never home and left us home for days and weeks at a time. I don't call her mom nor do I speak to her. Life growing up was meaningless to me! I felt worthless as if I wasn't meant for this world. I started cutting at age 7 and finally quit at age 21. There are still days I think about it but can't see myself going back. Instead I cry in agony. Here lately all I want to do is drink. Knowing its only a temporary fix, it still works for the time. It makes me feel human. But anyways here is the letter I wrote. Some may be able to relate and some may be at a loss!

When I was sad and depressed,
I needed you to be there to cheer me up. Instead I self inflicted till I was numb enough not to feel anything. When everyone was attacking me and putting me down, making me feel so low, I needed you to be the one to defend me and be on my side. Instead I held in all the cruel words and criticism the world threw at me. When I lost all my friends and had no one, i needed you to be that only friend I had left, Instead I experienced what the word "friendless" really meant. When I was scared and frightened, i needed you to be my security blanket. Instead i lived in fear. When I was angry and full of rage I needed you to calm me down but instead I kept it all bottled up inside. When I felt so lonely and needed someone to care, I needed you to hold me tight and never let me go but instead I grew up alone with no one to turn to. When I was hurt and in pain i needed you to come running with your healing ways but instead I remained scarred. When I would inflict self-torture, wanting to die, i needed you to stop me and tell me how important I was but instead I hid my scars and became invisible to everyone.
When I would cry myself to sleep at night, i needed you to wipe the tears away but instead I held my pillow tight while never ending tears streamed down my face because you were never there. When my world was crashing down on me i needed you to be the one I ran to but instead I ran away in complete despair. When I felt unloved,
I needed you to tell me how much you loved me but instead I learned the words "I love you" are meaningless! You are blind and will never seen all the anger built up in me. i hated life. i wanted out. You didn't care, you would just ignore. I felt so alone. As if I was useless. I thought I didn't need anyone but it turns out I just needed a mom.
Looking in your eyes tells me something's wrong with you. you've neglected for so long. You have never really been there and you never really tried and every time I want to be with you, you made up stupid lies. I have always felt as if I'm just your friend that you hated being around, so don't pretend. Don't say you love me with that dreadful tone. It doesn't make sense why you always neglected us and come up with such stupid lies. Its pathetic to know you had three daughters but you have nothing to do with any of us and that truly makes me wonder. Sure our family has had problems but not so bad that you can ignore. Do you really expect me to stick around and talk to you as if we've had the best mother and daughter relationship for 22 years? I don't agree. That isn't the case. There hasnt been no mother and daughter bond between us or my two sisters! You wonder why I don't talk to you? Its because you dont try. And when you do, you ruin it with your poor poor pitiful me crap. You always wonder why I call and talk to my grandparents instead of you. You wonder why they come first. You wonder why I don't want to talk to you? Do you know how much this makes me cry? I feel like you're dead because you're never there and never really have! You're friends and boyfriends always came first! You're dead to me. How is this fair? Can you answer me that? I have never done anything to hurt you! Your boyfriends and husbands in the past and your present husband now has always comes before me and my sisters! That's bull crap Angela. Pay attention to us! Its always poor, poor, pitiful you! You always have problems
You have always tried to tell me your troubles like I'm supposed to stop them? You never called nor do you ever call to see how I am doing. You always expected me to call you. As my emotions are brewing, its so hard not to cry knowing my biological mother has barely been around. I see other girls so close the their mother but it's as if mine is already in the ground.
Do you ever cry over me, Angela? Do you ever stop and wonder about how I am doing? You are just a silent thunder! I have always hated loving you. There's no point if it's not returned. My sisters hate it too but I'm the only one who will express my feelings and emotions! I feel like my skin is in a blazing fire being burned. I want you to know if you ever get to read this, that if you ever need me, i hope you know I won't be here. I want you to feel the same as we did growing up! What its like to have no one to run to. To have no one to express your emotions to. To live in fear. Too dread each day and etc. I hope when you have read this it brings a world of fear because I don't want your hugs and fake understanding i want a mom who is never ending! I'm sorry Angela but I have gotta say, i will never love you and to ask you to never look my way when troubles come your way! I'm happier than ever. My life is brand new! I have a beautiful daughter with my amazing boyfriend. He is a wonderful father and boyfriend. I couldn't be more happier!
Sunday, December 28, 2014
1:36am">When I was sad and depressed,
I needed you to be there to cheer me up. Instead I self inflicted till I was numb enough not to feel anything. When everyone was attacking me and putting me down, making me feel so low, I needed you to be the one to defend me and be on my side. Instead I held in all the cruel words and criticism the world threw at me. When I lost all my friends and had no one, i needed you to be that only friend I had left, Instead I experienced what the word "friendless" really meant. When I was scared and frightened, i needed you to be my security blanket. Instead i lived in fear. When I was angry and full of rage I needed you to calm me down but instead I kept it all bottled up inside. When I felt so lonely and needed someone to care, I needed you to hold me tight and never let me go but instead I grew up alone with no one to turn to. When I was hurt and in pain i needed you to come running with your healing ways but instead I remained scarred. When I would inflict self-torture, wanting to die, i needed you to stop me and tell me how important I was but instead I hid my scars and became invisible to everyone.
When I would cry myself to sleep at night, i needed you to wipe the tears away but instead I held my pillow tight while never ending tears streamed down my face because you were never there. When my world was crashing down on me i needed you to be the one I ran to but instead I ran away in complete despair. When I felt unloved,
I needed you to tell me how much you loved me but instead I learned the words "I love you" are meaningless! You are blind and will never seen all the anger built up in me. i hated life. i wanted out. You didn't care, you would just ignore. I felt so alone. As if I was useless. I thought I didn't need anyone but it turns out I just needed a mom.
Looking in your eyes tells me something's wrong with you. you've neglected for so long. You have never really been there and you never really tried and every time I want to be with you, you made up stupid lies. I have always felt as if I'm just your friend that you hated being around, so don't pretend. Don't say you love me with that dreadful tone. It doesn't make sense why you always neglected us and come up with such stupid lies. Its pathetic to know you had three daughters but you have nothing to do with any of us and that truly makes me wonder. Sure our family has had problems but not so bad that you can ignore. Do you really expect me to stick around and talk to you as if we've had the best mother and daughter relationship for 22 years? I don't agree. That isn't the case. There hasnt been no mother and daughter bond between us or my two sisters! You wonder why I don't talk to you? Its because you dont try. And when you do, you ruin it with your poor poor pitiful me crap. You always wonder why I call and talk to my grandparents instead of you. You wonder why they come first. You wonder why I don't want to talk to you? Do you know how much this makes me cry? I feel like you're dead because you're never there and never really have! You're friends and boyfriends always came first! You're dead to me. How is this fair? Can you answer me that? I have never done anything to hurt you! Your boyfriends and husbands in the past and your present husband now has always comes before me and my sisters! That's bull crap Angela. Pay attention to us! Its always poor, poor, pitiful you! You always have problems
You have always tried to tell me your troubles like I'm supposed to stop them? You never called nor do you ever call to see how I am doing. You always expected me to call you. As my emotions are brewing, its so hard not to cry knowing my biological mother has barely been around. I see other girls so close the their mother but it's as if mine is already in the ground.
Do you ever cry over me, Angela? Do you ever stop and wonder about how I am doing? You are just a silent thunder! I have always hated loving you. There's no point if it's not returned. My sisters hate it too but I'm the only one who will express my feelings and emotions! I feel like my skin is in a blazing fire being burned. I want you to know if you ever get to read this, that if you ever need me, i hope you know I won't be here. I want you to feel the same as we did growing up! What its like to have no one to run to. To have no one to express your emotions to. To live in fear. Too dread each day and etc.!

[sideblinded]

Wow ((lifeath))

I hear a lot of anger and pain in that letter. I am so sorry for your neglectful mother. Obviously she has her own struggles most probably from her own demons. There is one thing that I can say to help. I know that it sounds lame but I know this (as I am 57 now) it took time for me to forgive my mother for the abuse and neglect that I suffered since my childhood. My mom is gone now but I was able to forgive her before she died 16 years ago and it set me free.

Do you know why all of this happened to you? Did she drink or do drugs?

[lifeath]

She drank and brought her men before us children and still does til' this day!

lifeath

[lifeath]

I just can't speak to her it literly kills me and changes me cometely

lifeath