I have been off work since November when I ended up in hospital for a few weeks. I was in a bad place then and hospital definitely helped get me through that. But gradually the same thoughts that led me to that hospital stay are creeping back in again. This is why I hate my head. Because the thoughts always come back. Always. And so I wonder continuously why I keep on living. What is the point when it always ends up the same? You'd think I would learn how to handle it by now, and I guess I'm better at handling it than I used to be. But it is still hard. I'm still always feeling that at the end of the day I just need to end it. How do I get away from that idea? It's so ingrained in my head that I think it will always be there. I can't get by without having a plan in my head of how to get out of this. I'm always working on it, even in times when I feel ok. Can I change this? Do I even want to change it? I really don't know how to get out of this way of thinking. I am stuck.

[waterknob1234]

Hi Secret, have you gone back to work yet? Can you think of anything that triggers the bad feelings? Another thing to figure out is what was done at the hospital that seemed to help? I wish I had some good answer for you. But hang in there. I wonder if it helps to have some sort of positive distraction when the hard thoughts come.
Love and hugs.

Originally Posted by waterknob1234

Hi Secret, have you gone back to work yet? Can you think of anything that triggers the bad feelings? Another thing to figure out is what was done at the hospital that seemed to help? I wish I had some good answer for you. But hang in there. I wonder if it helps to have some sort of positive distraction when the hard thoughts come.
Love and hugs.

No, I'm still off work. Am due to go back in about a week and a half but I'm not sure that I'm ready yet, think I will see my doctor again to get more time off. The main trigger I have lately is the thought of going back to work. My head tells me it would be better to end it than go back to work...

[waterknob1234]

I understand. After you have had time off I can understand dreading going back to work, especially if there is a lot of stress there. Talking to your doctor about what you should or should not do at this point with where your thoughts are is a good idea. We are here for you for whatever path you think is best.

[TheOriginalMe]

Don't rush going back to work if you are not ready, but at the same time start figuring out a plan for how and when you will return, but do it slowly.

Can your CC put you in contact with an Employment Support Worker? I talked to one and while it didn't improve my situation it did remind me that I don't have to do everything on my own and that it is OK to admit to finding work hard.

When it is time to go back, will you be able to do a phased return and build up your hours and responsibilities slowly?

Is there anything specific about your job that is concerning you? E.g. your colleagues, bosses, workload, or is it about the energy, motivation and concentration that working requires?

I don't know what to suggest about colleagues, bosses and workload and even if I did, my own bad experience on that front makes me highly unqualified to advise anyone.

However, try to start building some routines into your life, getting up and dressed by a certain time, doing a set amount of physical activity and something mentally challenging each day, creating a gentle routine for yourself will help build some resilience to deal with the motivation and general effort it takes to go to work.

Take care and stay safe.

When I last saw my CC about a week before Christmas she mentioned an employment support worker but it was also her last day as my CC. So naturally nothing has been done. I'm meant to be hearing from my new CC in the new year, thats what I was told, but nothing so far.

I think the main problem with work is motivation and concentration. It used to be a good distraction for me but lately it just makes me feel worse. So I'm worried how I will be when I have to go back. But there is the option for a phased return so hopefully that will help.