[RedPanther]

Right now, I am a senior in college right about to go into my final semester and I am neck deep in strong difficulties. This past semester was what I call “the semester from hell, part II.” (Yes, I already had a horrible one. It was a couple years ago though). I’m not responding well at all to treatment, and its crippling. Its interfering with my life more and more, despite that I’ve been fighting and fighting against it. I’m not sure what to do now. Let me give you more details before I go on though.

I have a auditory and language processing disorder, severe depression, and generalized anxiety disorder. I work slower, anywhere from one and a half to double the time. On top of that, my severe depression sucks all my energy and motivation to keep working and I have to somehow and painstakingly remind myself that it is important to keep going even though all of life seems pointless. Lastly, anxiety causes paralysis and fear of failure, on top of already feeling like a failure from depression. All these are set up against me to lower my GPA, yet I have fought and fought my best to keep up my grades the best I can. I’m trying to apply to professional schooling, so it’s essential to have a solid grade point average.

I began having severe depression when I was 11 years old. The extent which was to the point I injured myself, even though I was so young and didn’t understand. I even attempted to kill myself after constantly feeling anger, hate, confusion, and fantasizing about ending it. I was severely depressed for about a year before I was taken in to see a psychiatrist and put on the SSRI Prozac. I was kept on it until about 13-14. The dose was too high and I was in a manic, hyperactive state all the time.

Through my teen years, I had bouts of depressive episodes, but they never lasted for more than a week or so and were definitely transient. Also, a large percentage of them were seasonal depression; I was always depressed during December, but not much after that. The symptoms, severity, and duration were not enough to be counted as MDD again. They were either mild or just situational. However, I did resort back to the old habit of injuring myself a few times since I did not know what else to do.

I began developing some social anxiety because I was homeschooled and had minimum social interactions. I also began developing generalized anxiety disorder and had a few panic attacks starting when I was 14 to 15, but only once per year really. When I was 16, I wanted to get out of my situation and became highly motivated to finish high school a year early and start college right when I turned 17. When I began my first semester, I still had social anxiety, and though it got me down, I was still driven to overcome it even though I had no idea how. It took me a while, but I always saw my social struggles and school as challenge and channel it back into a way to motivated myself to try and try again. I was going through some family disputes (involving screaming and name calling) but I continued on. It was never instant or easy to reconcile, I would find a way to channel it into trying harder. To me, though I was down at home, but I always found a way.

Bottom line, I had either mild to strictly situational depression. I went to even see a therapist during my second semester, who frankly told me I was adjusting. Anxiety, definitely, but I still coped. I got insomnia if I was wound up too much, but coped. My overall disposition had an energy that is lost right now.

Up to the summer before my junior year (about 3 years) I was this way. Then, all of a sudden I had the hardest time waking up, was always fatigues, and I didn’t want to get up either. I did not know why, and I felt like a bum for it. I lived in the dorms that summer, and I was late for class almost every day even though the classroom was literally across the street. (I saw the building right outside my dorm window!) Just that spring before, I was always early for my 8 am class! It turns out that this may have been exacerbated because I had a deviated septum, and I had a congested nose all the time. Even after my surgery though the next summer, I was still severely depressed, fatigued, and had a hard time getting out of bed. It helped with my sleep a bit, but it didn’t seem to be the main factor.

I finally found a general practitioner after finally realizing I had a problem that went beyond what was going on in my life and finding motivation to go in. I was put on Zoloft, it helped to a point, but it made me anxious, a weird hyper, restless, and very strong sexual side effects on the regular dose, but was ineffective and still had side effects on a lower dose. I tried this for about a month before I was switched to Wellbutrin, 300mg.

It helps with my anxiety and a part of my depression, but I went on a year and a half on this alone and with the help of my boyfriend (who is now my fiancé for the past year) before finally motivating myself and fully realizing that I needed more help, that it definitely wasn’t enough. Since the summer, I’ve tried different medications: paxil, seroquil, and then Viibryd, which I’m currently on now.

The Viibryd (while still on Wellbutrin), though it has a lower chance of causing sexual side effects, it still causes problems. Arguably a little less severe, but still problematic (frustrates both of us). When I first started taking it, I was so relieved that it gave me that energy back, my drive and levelness. But then, it quickly became more and more ineffective. A few weeks to a month passed and I had a hard time waking up, started losing the energy fast, and became more and more back to that horrible severe depressive state. In the last month of the semester, I had two panic attacks and three severe depressive episodes where I didn’t wake up at all for an assignment to turn in and also a test. It was the worst I had in a long time, and if it wasn’t for my fiancé, I don’ know what would have happened. I fantasized about breaking my arm, cutting myself, and more. I was working 10 hours, taking 3 science classes all with labs, and spent most of my time towards one class which I had to drop the previous year for multiple reasons. The professor, even though they congratulated me on the hard work I put in, how well I understood the material, and getting B’s and high B’s on assignment gave me a C (78.8).

For this month, I’ve been just as depressed as at the end of the semester. I’ve been getting down about how it all went, but I also have for no reason. Its back to square one. It’s the same as when I was 11, my junior year, and I just can’t stand it. I wane back and forth between on the edge of a stupor and enraged from all the pain. Why is it that physical pain is appealing to alleviate the inward pain? It’s that bad.

I so badly want my drive back, I want to feel the enjoyment in school and work again, especially since I want to apply to professional schooling and I sure don’t want any more of these problems during it.

I miss that energy that drove me to do anything I wanted and even find enjoyment in things I didn’t care for because I knew it was a stepping stone to the next phase in life. I can’t see that now. Like I said, I feel likes its lost, and I have been desperately trying to find it for the past several years. Now I’m worn out, feel like nothings worth it, I won’t be able to land a job, I can’t integrate, my health problems are all stopping me in my tracks, and that everyone will always judge me despite the fact I have to put more time and effort into all my work than all of them.

Sorry for the long explanation, but I’ve began to ask the following question: Should I take time off from school and then finish my last courses after I figure out this mess? Should I just brave through it this one last semester, even though I don’t know how I’ll respond to other treatments? But what about landing a job? I don’t want to stop now that I’m so close, it almost seems silly to think about it and not even have a degree to apply to jobs with.

[Crazy Hitch]

Hi there RedPanther

This would be a great question to ask a Therapist.

You're transitioning through some difficult situations right now and you are not in the right frame of mind.

It's hard for me to answer the question as to whether you should take time off school .... I've only usually taken time off work by medical recommendations so I'm wondering who is taking care of you.

Have you introduced yourself in the new members intro forum. Would be good to see you there if I haven't already.

[Altered Moment]

Very tough situation. My depression ended up causing me to drop out of college and ended up being a plumber. I had no idea I had depression. All I knew was that I could get straight A's in calculus, chemistry, and physics one semester and all D's the next. I figured I was a lazy bum failure and had to get away from my parents and all of it.

Don't give up on school or professional school. If it takes longer so what. If you have to take a break so what. Given you history it sounds like you are predisposed but stress and situation play a very large role. As to whether you should finish this next semester or take a break is a tough call. Your so close. If you take a break, so what. Go back and finish.

I would highly suggest intensive therapy, meditation, mindfulness, CBT, exercise, diet, a number if non med means. But these take a while to work. Whether you want to keep trying the med game is up to you. You may find something that works real good but it is not fun finding it.

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[waterknob1234]

Hi RedPanther, welcome to pc. It sounds as though you have done very well for yourself despite your health conditions. It seems you are motivated and a hard worker. Depression does make you tire easily and saps your energy.
I dropped out of college many years ago, and I now wished I had stayed in school and just changed my major. I think a college degree gives you more choices and a better earning potential.

I would think twice before leaving college and professional schooling completely. But if you have to take a semester off, so be it.

It is hard when medications either don't work or have negative side effects. My medications have some hard side effects, but they do help me some so I continue to take them.

Your life and health are important. Look into all the different treatment options and therapy. Best of wishes to you in whatever path you take.

[Altered Moment]

I typed a whole post on my 21 year old daughters experience and lost it. I'll post it later.

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[RedPanther]

Hello everyone. I am so sorry for the delayed reply! I'm having so much going on before I start back school. Thank you all for your responses and thoughts; I so greatly appreciate them. After reading the responses here, discussing the situation with my fiance, and bringing it to the attention of my therapist, I've decided to lower my course load and go this next semester as a part-time student. It is disappointing that I have to push back my graduation, but I still want to go to professional schooling, even despite the fact I have no motivation in anything with my depression. It gives me a glimmer of hope, and I know I will enjoy it once I finally am able to settle this treatment.

Again, thank you guys for your thoughts!