Bit o' backstory

The last year, as I have said before, was the worst ever in my life

In May my roommate (and friend of some 23 years) began to act ... odd

He owned his own business for over 25 years and I saw him go in when he was so sick he could barely stand. His business was his baby and, while not financially a windfall, it sustained him and made him happy. About once a year he would have what his friends called "his annual midlife crisis" and he would talk about shutting down. But we would humour him and he would always rally and never mention it (until the next time)

In 2014 it seemed a little worse but, hey, he was getting a little older. Then he stopped going in to the store now and then and, eventually, just stopped going. I asked him to go to the doctor, eventually begged him but he hated hospitals and, as he said, "I'm fine". We thought, maybe, it was a bad variation on the flu. Then I thought he may be suffering from depression. But then it got worse. Darkly worse. His personality began to change; it was no longer being a bit under the weather, it was like he no longer had a filter, he was mean and he was lazy. I began to suspect he may have suffered a stroke

I called his brother (who I don't care for) to speak to him as something was wrong. Of course my friend was able to pull it together long enough to fool his blissful brother. And his brother was quite upset for causing a panic. I tried to arrange an intervention among his friends but one didn't want to embarrass him (he had fallen at the store several times but they did not call an ambulance or even tell me) and another felt he should stop "being such a princess and suck it up". Another got uncomfortable at the idea that he should get that involved in my friend's life and said that my friend was "fine, he's just under the weather"

I had to distance myself as his new personality was intolerable and he just got pissy when I said he needed a doctor

Eventually, after he had not moved from the couch for two days, I could no longer avoid it and called an ambulance. He had not eaten or drank in two days. He had also pissed himself as he could not stand. He was mad at me for calling an ambulance because he "didn't need one" and when the paramedics said they were taking him, willing or not, due to his condition, he hurled a slight against me that hurt. A lot

I spoke with a friend, a cardiac nurse, and, when I described his symptoms she said it was not a stroke but his symptoms were almost identical to her father in law who had died a year before of brain cancer

But he was being treated and I kept the apartment because I knew he would want to come home. But he never did.

Over the next 3 months I watched one of the best friends I have ever known, and one of the kindest people, decay into little more than a breathing bundle of pain, no awareness, no sense of your being there.

The day before he died I dropped in to visit him, staying for 2 hours. I was the last non-medical person to see him alive. 12 hours after I left, he was gone, finally free of his pain

His brother eventually forced me to give up the apartment early (it was in my friend's name and I could not afford it alone) and took other petty actions against me. His other brothers had wanted to have me thrown out earlier.

This was my reward for trying to save my friend.

And then issues between me and some other friends of my friend caused me to have to sever the ties.

I know now that if I had got him to go into the hospital earlier it would not have saved him. We would have had to get him into the hospital 6 months before he showed the slightest symptoms to have a chance to beat the cancer that took him, then his life

And that is why 2014 is the worst year of my life. Oh, and my depression started building in April, which is the time I had this feeling that, although I would see my 49th (last October), I will not get to see my 50th birthday in 2015

JohnCrow, sorry for the grief you must be feeling. You really have been through a lot.

Your friend followed his path to the end, lived out life for as long as possible to see where the end would take them. I have a lot of respect for that persistence. Leaving early is like leaving a movie before the ending. We don't know how it turned out.

So many people look to us for inspiration, so many people follow the example of our life. To do less than going on until the natural end of the road lets down those who look up to us.

Hope you will see the next year as a time for grieving and healing. You already have entered my world. I am hoping for your bouncing back.